Running

That's some pretty big news @avant-garde How are you feeling about it?

@Ru-bee

Scared that it's all just another hoax like the web of lies Delilah (not real name) said.

Is it feeling a bit too good to be true @avant-garde? It sounds as though you're trying to protect yourself here unless something happens and it doesn't work out, which is understandable.

What would the next steps be after going to view the place tomorrow?

@Ru-bee yeah it is

My case manager is on leave next week and so we would sign the papers the following week

Do you think things might feel a bit more secure once you've seen the place? Or will it likely be a bit nerve-wracking until you're actually able to move in @avant-garde?

@Ru-bee

I don't know

I think having a physical address will help

Then having the papers signed

Then getting the keys

I think each of these will help me feel more secure

Yes, those are all steps that will confirm that its real @avant-garde hopefully each one will make it feel more concrete.

I'm not going to be around tomorrow as I've switched a few shifts, but I'll look forward to reading how the walk through goes tomorrow when I'm on next. I really hope it all goes smoothly

If I said it didn't stir up feelings I'd be lying...

The house is beautiful, it's brand new, it's a 1 bedroom townhouse.

I feel like I don't deserve it though...

I feel like Delilah (fake name) will take the credit...

A friend of mine mentioned "you should raise it as a prayer point at church". I know my morals and my values but why do I let others opinions sway me in those. Videos of our services go on the internet and I can't control what is said verbally. I can't control them sharing location or move in date or anything like that. But I still hear his voice... I know he doesn't approve but I've been protecting myself for over 15 years. Written is fine, verbal is not. I've agreed to a written format where I get to read over it before it is published.

My safety is the most incredibly important thing.

I understand my church want to celebrate with me but I they can still learn about it in the written format and thank God that way.

I have my own anxiety and angst about this, I don't need theirs.

I went to the theatre with my "little sister" today and I know she loved it but I couldn't really enjoy it like she did.

But for me it, it makes me think "what you can't see just how wrong that is" and makes me feel sick.

If she knew... if she knew just how much control she still has of me... she'll try and claw it back with this... she'll take claim of it... I did this.

I did all of this. She she has no part to play in my happy ending.

I made this happen.

She'll still try though... that terrifies me... that she'll still try... and that my church won't be able to stop her...