Running

Aww @avant-garde honestly me too. Sucks when day of rest is not restful.

@Jynx

Do you want to talk about it?

I appreciate the offer @avant-garde it means a lot that you would make that space for me. I think I have spent a lot of time in processing-mode and would now just be going in circles. Plus it is a work in progress (relationship conflict) so I am more in a waiting/limbo space than a venting/unpacking space.

What about your difficult day, does it need space?

@Jynx

Yeah it does, I'm in that venting/angry/hurt space

@Jynx ?

@avant-garde I'm sorry to hear you're in that space hun, it's a rough one. Sounds like stuff needs to get out?

I trusted him to tell me... I trusted him to warn me... he didn't... he didn't say a word...

His brother in law told me there's a chance Delilah would be at church... chance... likely... not definite... not conclusive... possible... always possible... therefore difficult to prepare... possible means possibly not... which is always anyway...

I knew it would be bad if that possible happened...

But i trusted him to tell me... he didn't tell me... he didn't tell me...

I saw her and my breathing turned to rasps, I started panicking, shaking, my voice disappeared, I couldn't sing, I did well to last as long as I did... nobody noticed when in the middle of a song I walked out...

I woke up on the concrete outside @Jynx

There were people around me...

I didn't know them...

They wanted to call an ambulance...

I said no... church... inside... get someone...

I saw the brother in law (BiL) and his wife, the BiL is usually hit and miss with me... he actually helped this time...

I saw them and burst into tears...

I can't get my voice out of my head "don't make me go back" over and over again... very panicked... the BiL stayed with me... even with counting bricks...

I didn't expect such a violent reaction from me... I was out for 20ish minutes... it was terrifying...

@avant-garde I am sorry hun that sounds terrifying. You had an expectation of someone to help you prepare, and they let you down. Then the worst happens.

That hurts.

And also processing the intensity of it all sounds like it is a lot to sit with too.

@Jynx

Just writing it out... the feelings have started to resurface...

@avant-garde Aye it would be a lot hun - remember the power of your breath in bringing you back home to yourself if the memories seem extra loud tonight eh?

Catch you next time 💜