creative_writerSenior Contributor
I feel nothing
I feel nothing. I don’t feel real, I am nothing. Nothing else feels real either
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I feel nothing
105 replies
In response to: I feel nothing
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: I feel nothing
@Jynx it’s going to be a process. I think the whole pretending I’m doing fine can be very draining, but I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I find masking emotions the most taxing. Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and cry but I don’t because I don’t think other people will want to see me that way. What if they think my emotions are too much?
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
JynxModerator
Re: I feel nothing
@creative_writer if they think your emotions are too much, they're probably not the right person for you. Or they might just be more of a casual acquaintance. And you're right, no one wants to see you that way - not because you're wrong for crying though, but because it sucks to see someone we care about in pain. The difference I guess, is that some people will pull away, and others will sit with you through all the tears, holding your hand. Just a matter of finding those good ones.
Maybe you'd like this poem too, it definitely helped me - 'I am a "Too Much" Woman' by Ev'Yan Whitney.
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: I feel nothing
@Jynx I feel like being neurodivergent can make emotions harder to regulate and emotions more intense. Even sensory overload can bring about full blown depression. The world favours neurotypical over neurodivergent which is unfair. Our emotions may appear more intense and colourful, but I suppose I need to work of self-acceptance
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
JynxModerator
Re: I feel nothing
@creative_writer yeah it definitely does, emotional regulation is a big one. Like, pretty sure 'having a short fuse' is one of the questions on the adult ADHD screening I sent you last week (or was it the week before? idk I got big-time time-blindness 😅) - and at first I didn't think it applied to me cos I don't really get angry very often... but then after some reflection I was like 'ohhhh... except sometimes when I'm angry I just cry, and I cry a LOT... and then also, I can get like, explosive frustration that makes me wanna throw stuff, but it dissipates almost as quickly as it came on. Guess there's a reason it's one of the Three Pillars! (Which I think I've shared w you before, but if not - the three pillars is my fav non-pathologising way of looking at ADHD, and you can find em here - pillar 1, pillar 2, pillar 3, with Pillar 2 being the one relevant to this convo)
I think the saying that helps me explain it best is that 'the world was built by and for neurotypicals.' In so many ways too, not just social stuff - the 9am-5pm, 5-day work week is a pretty good example, I don't know any ND people who can maintain it without burning out.
Yeah for sure! Self-acceptance can be super hard, especially for stuff that we've been repeatedly shamed for. Don't suppose you've found any other ND people at uni you could connect with? Cos it's much easier to unmask and practice self-acceptance when you already have some external acceptance around you.
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
JynxModerator
Re: I feel nothing
Speaking of time-blindness, I didn't realise how late it was haha so I will also say goodnight to ya @creative_writer - hope you have a restful snoozle tonight! 😊💜
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: I feel nothing
@Jynx 9-5 can be exhausting for sure. Though I’m sure there are more flexible options out there. I don’t think I’m cut out as being a therapist full time, and I’m okay with that. I do find myself also drawn to research too because I love learning, I do know I may need to get further education for that one. I think research would be great part time. People think I have the aptitude, but I find it hard to take compliments. My supervisor was like “you’re very academic”. I think a lot, sometimes too much. I can get caught up with wanting to understand things and can get frustrated if I can’t, but you know I’m human, we have limited knowledge. Maybe my ASD side gets a bit excited at times. I can hyperfocus. Though hyperfocusing in common in ADHD too.
Self acceptance can be tough, I reckon conversationing (not a real word😂) would be easier with other fellow social work students.
I think I experience time blindness too, both overestimating and underestimating how much time I have to complete tasks. I thought it would take longer to get through uni content for week 1, but managed okay with a few hours, probably because it’s week 1. I did freak out, but then I had my coffee and matcha with saffron and got into doing things. I hope you had a restful night 💖
Self acceptance can be tough, I reckon conversationing (not a real word😂) would be easier with other fellow social work students.
I think I experience time blindness too, both overestimating and underestimating how much time I have to complete tasks. I thought it would take longer to get through uni content for week 1, but managed okay with a few hours, probably because it’s week 1. I did freak out, but then I had my coffee and matcha with saffron and got into doing things. I hope you had a restful night 💖
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
JynxModerator
Re: I feel nothing
@creative_writer research would suit you I reckon! I can tell you've got a passion for learning and seeking new knowledge, and yeah I feel like that's an area where a little streak of perfectionism would probably be a boon - ensuring data sets are accurate, being very thorough with how widely you're reading, etc etc. - just a streak though mind you, more the 'attention to detail' type than the 'unable to let things go' type haha.
Haha 'conversing' is the word, but I like conversationing!! I like how it rolls off the tongue, much more fun to say!!
Yep, I'm always under/overestimating time! It's why I tend to be ridiculously early a lot - cos I know how likely I am to be late, I over-prepare and leave waaay too much time to spare 😅
Glad your matcha and coffe kick has served you well! 😊
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: I feel nothing
@Jynx don’t get me wrong, I’m also drawn to therapeutic work, just part time. I do love people watching as weird as it sounds. People watching has become ingrained in my brain, maybe even as a trauma response to protect myself. I do love working with people too, and I’m always the person to analyse even fictional characters in great depth. I find learning about what drives someone’s behaviour and thought patterns fascinating. I feel like self-talk is often influenced by how we were treated earlier in life. It took me a while to put the two together. I think it’s important to acknowledge how our behaviour and thought patterns may have been adaptive in the past. It is also important to rewire our brain and make changes to improve the quality of our life. I feel like I am getting very philosophical.
It’s how I’ve been able to process why I may feel shame. Many people would feel shame after being bullied, invalidated and shut down after talking about the hard stuff. I’m still figuring out the way forward.
I tend to aim for early a lot too, though it hasn’t always worked for me in the past. Though I’ve been late before and have had more extensions than not during my studies. I’m just trying to change my habits of leaving things to the last minute because I do panic.
It’s how I’ve been able to process why I may feel shame. Many people would feel shame after being bullied, invalidated and shut down after talking about the hard stuff. I’m still figuring out the way forward.
I tend to aim for early a lot too, though it hasn’t always worked for me in the past. Though I’ve been late before and have had more extensions than not during my studies. I’m just trying to change my habits of leaving things to the last minute because I do panic.
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
JynxModerator
Re: I feel nothing
@creative_writer philosophical is good! A handy skill for any clinician haha, hard to dig into the deep stuff if it's not even on your mind in the first place.
I very much enjoy people-watching too! Doesn't sound weird at all, and to me points more towards a natural curiosity - a quality I value highly within myself as well 😊
You are indeed still figuring out your path forward! But even if you don't realise it, I can see the little nudges, the little realisations, all of it helping you to progress. You'll get there!
Mm I feel ya - finding the balance between 'panicked enough to feel incredibly motivated' and 'too panicked to actually function' is so tricky. And don't sweat it on the extensions, pretty sure I got like, 80-90% of my assignments extended 😅
In response to: Re: I feel nothing
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: I feel nothing
@Jynx many people do research and therapeutic word side by side. One of the positive is, it does help you stay up to date with the new research.
I’m just trying to experiment with that balance. I do need to start applying for more jobs, so even if I have a 2.5 unit load, there are other things I need to do on the side. I’m just going to see where life takes me. I do feel like a lot of inner work is still needed on my part. I just sort of wish it wasn’t this hard, the thoughts feel kinda like OCD. It comes down to contamination. Lately I’ve been finding that I have the urges to disinfect and worry excessively if something is germy. I also feel gross and disgusting because of trauma even after taking showers, like I can’t wash it off
I’m just trying to experiment with that balance. I do need to start applying for more jobs, so even if I have a 2.5 unit load, there are other things I need to do on the side. I’m just going to see where life takes me. I do feel like a lot of inner work is still needed on my part. I just sort of wish it wasn’t this hard, the thoughts feel kinda like OCD. It comes down to contamination. Lately I’ve been finding that I have the urges to disinfect and worry excessively if something is germy. I also feel gross and disgusting because of trauma even after taking showers, like I can’t wash it off
