I feel nothing

@Jynx I know they say humans have an inborn need for connections, but it can also be scary. I guess all we can do is take it at our own pace. It’s hard to rewire the “better off alone” to “better off with the right people”.

It is true inflation has been an issue and it is also true many big corporations are making bigger profits, at the expense of those struggling to keep up with finances. It is indeed very infuriating.

It is exciting but also anxiety provoking. It’s my last semester and my brain isn’t there yet, a lot of that has to do with the migraine. But things can change overnight, I need to rest up

@creative_writer yeah absolutely, it's difficult to convinve the lizard brain that we need to persist with something it has deemed too threatening... kinda like having to ignore or go against instinct at times, which is so very uncomfortable. And yeah, you're 100% on it with needing it to be at our own pace.

Oh I never felt like I was going back to uni until I was in class... sometimes not until week 2 or 3... 😅

i hear you @creative_writer!! rest doesn't even feel like 'rest' when our minds running around and depleting energy. have you found anything helpful in dealing with the rumination?

thank you 💗 i've just got some meeting at this other job and i'll have to meet some new people and talk to them while also pretending to feel competent (i haven't built confidence in that role yet) so my social anxiety is already rising a lil 😅 so far some positive self-talk and calming tools have been working in managing that for now which is nice lil win

@Jynx in a way I sort of wish I didn’t need people because it would be easier and safer, but living like this isn’t working for me.

The transition from holidays to uni is something. I only started going through uni content today, the day before classes start 😂

@rav3n staying busy helps, but obviously you can’t constantly say busy. I do practice self care everyday which may calm the thoughts a bit, but you can’t really run away from them The thoughts tend to hit everyday, some days it hurts more than others. My mind has become so hyperfocused on what I’m lacking. I hope the meeting goes well for you 😊

Why does it feel like I’m impossible to love after SA?

@creative_writer yeah for sure, if you've had to withdraw from the people who were supposed to make you feel safe and secure, it's normal for the survival system to just declare that no one is a safe person and you're better off alone. And I think that it's okay, like yeah it sucks how it's impacting you now but if it kept you safe, that's what matters to my mind.

Hahaha you're saying that like it's a bad thing! I literally never opened my textbooks before uni started 😅 How oh how did it take me SO LONG to realise I had ADHD 🤣

@Jynx it did help me feel safe. I also feel unlovable because of trauma, it’s hard to shake it off, my mind won’t quieten this afternoon, not sure what broke in my brain today.

I wanted to do it differently this time, I just hope I can maintain the momentum. My ASD side freaks out when things aren’t in order. The war between ASD and ADHD is real

@creative_writer yeah, the unlovable narrative is a tough one to work through. I dunno if you've ever heard the saying, 'No one will love you until you love yourself'? Cos I heard that one pretty young, maybe in my teens, and it did actual damage to my psyche... cos I absolutely loathed myself, so how on earth could anyone else love me? Took me years to work through that one... But one thing that did help was just... allowing myself to be loved by others, and learning to see myself through their eyes instead of through the lens of my crappy narrative.

Hmm broken brain huh? Anything that you feel might be helpful to unpack together?

Haha you've just reminded me of this meme:

@Jynx I think I have. It is hard to imagine how someone can love you when one hates themselves. I feel all my life I’ve tried fitting in so hard just to be accepted. Internally I feel that if people knew the real me they wouldn’t love me, it’s like I feel too broken for love. It is hard to delete this sentence “If it’s shameful to talk about, then something must be wrong with me.”

@creative_writer I totally get you, I mean that's why it took so long for me to untangle myself from that idea - because I couldn't understand why on earth anyone would love me when everything about me had pretty much been deemed undesirable (or so my narrative went, due to so many years of bullying and being told I was 'weird' and 'too much').

Alternative thought?

"If it's shameful to talk about with the people around me, I need to find people who provide acceptance instead."

People can only love the real you if they have a chance to get to know the real you. I spent a really, REALLY long time trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. It may have got me friends, but I was never happy. Nor were they actually good friends, because they liked the lie, and so any moments where my 'true' self showed were met with awkwardness and sometimes insults. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way I guess... Being who I thought people wanted me to be lead to befriending the wrong people, who punished my real self even further, deepening my shame and pushing my true self ever deeper.

Maybe you could take some time to work on just noticing it, noticing whenever you find yourself suppressing yourself for the benefit of others, noticing the things you find yourself most ashamed of. Then in time, maybe you can start to look for ways to celebrate those parts of yourself, or find a way to allow them to come out. Food for thought anyway 😉