While in hospital

I love it @Faith-and-Hope. That picture just made me cry and i don't even know why!!!

@Former-Member@utopia@Former-Member@Zoe7

Thank you everyone. I am home now but still emotional. I am having a coffee with Jersey laying next to me. She must know i am not me today.

A friend text before to go for a walk which i will go with her. i think i needed to just sit on a rock at the beach and when i rang lifeline i just had a big cry.

It;s strange how things happen becaue when i got off the phone hubby rang. it's like he knew. i blurted out that i wasn't coping and i was crying and told him how hard it is for me 'just be' about my parents especially my mum. he said we will have a good xmas we don't need them around to hurry us up with xmas lunch so they can go. i told him i know but it's stll sad. i then told him i love him (which is a first for a very very long time) and he replied back he loves me too.

So why do i feel so damn depressed and emotional. why can't i just let it go. because i am holding on to something that i will never ever get.

stop and just breathe with your eyues closed. gosh i am tyuping now with my eyes closed. i love typing so uch. i could type all day with my ehyes closed. lets see if i made any mistakes. (damn 4 mistakes)

oh i have to stay busy but my body is telling me to rest.

That is so lovely your husband is understanding of christmas challenges and you were able to say you love him

A walk with your friend sounds really lovely too, it's good to have a big cry and that Jersey understands, it's amazing how much pets know when you feel upset.

Here for you @BlueBay xo

Hi @BlueBay

I didn't post much yesterday - I had a flat day - but I have read you thread

It is hard - feeling so depressed and anxious - it is really hard to let go of your parents - yet you know you must - and getting out of that house will make a huge difference

I did read something about Feng Shui in the past - and some of it rings true to me - and I think as far as you are concerned that house is bad for you - to much of your mother there - even your buying the house from them - as if you couldn't choose your own house - that is not good at all

I feel I haven't spent much time in the site for a few days but I have been getting ready for Christmas and done better this year than other years - seeing a psychologist - actually 2 of them - has made a difference about the way I felt about my mother - she is fading into my past - I am sure this will be the case for you as time goes by

But for this year you feel like crap - and yes - it is hard to see everyone having a "wonderful" time with Christmas.

You have been through an emotional washing machine - ah - when I first joined here someone said they felt as if they had been through the spin cycle - so exhausting - pulling you this way and that way - then stopping and starting and stopping and starting

I can't promise it will be better suddenly - but it will eventually be better - let's put it this way - you feel so bad right now it can't get worse

Lot's of virtual hugs

Dec

Hi @Decadian@Former-Member@Former-Member@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@utopia

Had a phone call from the outpatient co-ordinator to say that if I am going to do the day program I need to pay $250 excess fee. I told her i have never paid that before and was totally confused. So she gave me a number for the hopspital to call which I did. The lady explained because the groups start at the start of next year i am classified as an inpatient even though i am doing day group. So i would need to pay $250 excess. And then later on if i was admitted i wouldn't need to pay that excess again.

So i rang back the co-ordinator and told her no i am not coming. i can't afford this money right now just after christmas. it's ridiculous. i would prefer to be admitted again than just go for 3 hours a week and pay the excess now. She was disappointed that i couldn't go and i started to cry because i told her i needed the group but not right now.

I have just come back from a coffee and chat with a friend who has finished teaching for the year.

home now getting warm can't be bothered to do anything but so much to do. i haven't even wrapped the xmas presents yet. i am so bad this year, can't get organised.

@Decadian you are so right - i have been through the wringer of a washing machine this year. i feel this admission was the worst one ever. and it hasn't eased up just yet.

i am so stuck.

@BlueBay

have been thinking about you all day. Glad you made it home and got through the really tough times earlier. Beautiful and loving support from your husband. Even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment try to hold on to the strength you have had to get through the dark times. A small light can get brighter with the right input- hold on to those who love you (husband and all of us here), and will support you through both the good and bad times.

The system sucks! When people are at their most vulnerable and need the most support there needs to be an alternative - they don't get how hard, and how stressful it is and only think of money!!!

Do everything you need to do to care for yourself and get through the next few days - even wrapping presents can wait - buy a couple of cheap xmas bags and just drop presents in them - done!

Sending any positive energy I have all your way to help you and lots of love and hugs xx

If you need to sleep then sleep @BlueBay

I know how hard it is to function without sleep and you can't get your thoughts straight let alone do the 'normal' day to day things. Just eat a little at a time to get some energy into you. And above all be kind to yourself- you are the most important person to think about and take care of at the moment.

Here for you all day if needed xx

@BlueBay That's wonderful. Do you feel any better - I find I get some relief from my thoughts and what's in my head when I take Toby to the beach - seem to have found my 'happy place' when I'm there with him! Hope you can get some much needed rest and peace this afternoon also xx