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Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor16 June 2023, 8:50 pm AEST

Battling between my head v my physical self

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND URGES

i have these thoughts and urges all day everyday for the past few years. It has been challenging lately as it’s more intense than usual. To also have paranoia about every little thing that happens is a bad combo… I feel that the voices in my head plus the tv is telling me that it’ll be worth it (acting on the urge and thoughts) how good it’ll be when it happens… I know that’s never the case I know that I’ll feel worse and that will whirlpools into deeper into the idea and urges… my physical self is battling with both state of mind, the unconscious and conscious mind of mine… when these three fights with each other I feel lost as to what I should be doing… I’m taking risk each time and it’s gets higher and higher every time… I reached out to someone the other night under this name, he was helpful but even then I did what I did.. it didn’t stop me from myself and that’s what scares me, how do I stop myself from myself? I need help and I need it now coz all I’m hearing right now is to just get on with it and just let go…

58 replies

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In response to: Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor03 July 2023, 2:43 am AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Tonight I'm sitting with this urge and negative thoughts... Been in and out of hospital these past week or two... I can't seem to shrug this feeling off.. Ive spoken to numerous services including my local ACT and Local hospital and yet I still find myself stuck with no tools to use specially this kind of moments... It truly feels like I'm alone in this and that everyone is just watching me slowly end my own life... It does seems like I am alone in this battle... I am trying to be safe tonight by doing little things but doesn't seem to working as much as I hope for... I think now I need more support than ever.. just don't know what that is right now.. does anyone know what I should do to keep myself safe tonight?

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

jazzSenior Contributor03 July 2023, 3:20 am AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Hi @Misunderstood88 I am sorry you are feeling this way, it can be really tricky and a struggle at times, and it can feel like you are alone, but you are not alone, the community is here with you and It is important to reach out to the crisis supports if you are feeling unsafe like lifeline as they will be able to sit with you and support you. Sometimes soothing techniques can help too like music. Please stay safe and I will email you as well. All the best Jazz

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

outlanderSenior Contributor03 July 2023, 9:25 am AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

hi @Misunderstood88

im sorry your having to deal with these emotions and thoughts. they are super tough and i can understand how difficult they are to manage. it might not be any help but you have us here to talk to. lots of members are quite happy to chat as a distraction until those urges pass or to help you get through the night/day.

do you have any ongoing supports like a psychologist, psychiatrist, access to support groups offline, friends or family you can reach out to? Is your gp aware of how much your mental health is declining? perhaps they can schedule you into a facility or provide extra supports?

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor03 July 2023, 4:42 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

@outlander I got NDIS Support workers working with me... Ive amped up the workers from doing 2days a week before to now everyday... It's a pain in the bum sometimes but it's one of the safety measure Ive put in place ATM... I got weekly psychologist appointment that I'm trying to come up with a safety plan with... Aside from those I got a second appointment with a psychiatrist this week... I'm in a process of changing GP which I'm still trying to look for....

Everyone thinks that hospitalisation won't do anything but I do believe it might help break the cycle at least... But no one seemed to ask me or I tried to tell them that I think I need to be in hospital for safety reasons but still they (mental health team) discharges me back to the community still dealing with this crap... That's the very reason why I feel that no one truly cares about what I do yo myself and that everyone is just watching me slowly hurt myself or even end my life... No one wants to help coz if they do then I wouldn't be in this situation again... 😕

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Unknown userMember03 July 2023, 6:40 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Hi @Misunderstood88

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling to have your voice heard in terms of what you believe you need. It's so hard to be trying to advocate for yourself on top of everything you are going through at the moment. Good on you for being proactive in taking the steps that you can to stay safe. Having daily support from NDIS and working with your psychologist on a safety plan sound like great ideas. Sometimes you never know when and why things take a turn for the better. I really hope that comes soon for you ❤️

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor03 July 2023, 7:38 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words and uplifting messages... I feel that I belong here and that's because of y'all...

One of my flaws is not being able to adapt to change quickly... Unlike a normal human being, it takes me awhile (can be a days or week heck even probably months) for me to adjust to the new changes... If given enough notice before the change happens then I am able to adapt by the time the change happens... I get stressed and anxious when change happens abruptly... Then that feeds the negative thinking and urges...

I just wish I was in the same position a few weeks ago where I was doing well and thriving... Being in this rut makes it harder to get back to that good times... I tend to keep on loop once I'm in this bad situation, I just keep running around this vicious cycle until hopefully something clicks back in and takes me to the good and happy side...

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

outlanderSenior Contributor03 July 2023, 8:02 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

hi @Misunderstood88
it is really hard to manage mental health sometimes.
there is a website called mindspot. they offer free online courses for mental health that may benefit you. it has courses for things like coping strategies and acceptance and that sort thing. maybe they have one that could help you manage your urges and also maybe acceptance or managing change?

heres the website
https://www.mindspot.org.au/

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor04 July 2023, 1:26 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

@outlander ye I know them... I might need a refresher coz I've done those lessons already...

I am devastated that my long term support worker has spry off in a way left me hanging... She made me believe that she'll be coming today to see me... She didn't even say goodbye or anything about her becoming unavailable.... I lived hanging out with her and that she and I got along really well.. I just don't know where did I went wrong? I feel like it's something I did or say or act... Now it'll be in my head all day and the next few days... I wish she would've told me herself that she's no longer able to support me then probably I won't be having this questions in my head right now that it's bring negative thoughts and feeling right now.. .

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

Misunderstood88Senior Contributor04 July 2023, 10:48 pm AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

My heads doing headmiles all day.. Negative thoughts and urges were constant all day.. tis time the waves seemed to not end… it’s like one wave to another… how do you make it stop without hurting yourself? Tried distraction by doing my art and all then have used a couple of tools I learnt from my DBT, even then it didn’t do much… [removed by moderator]… I just need them to quiet down… even just for a second… I’m giving up hope that it’ll get better coz right now in my eyes this is how it’s going to be…

In response to: Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

outlanderSenior Contributor05 July 2023, 9:57 am AEST

Re: Battling between my head v my physical self

hey @Misunderstood88

i am a support worker myself and often its not the worker that hasnt communicated with you its more the company. our work roles often get changed or we get deployed to other people in an area of our expertise. your support worker may have even changed companies.
perhaps you can contact the company your with and ask for a new regular support worker or ask why your regular support worker didnt come out?

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.