Socialising for Beginners

Thanks for the confirmation, @Oaktree. I have wanted for a long time to make a post enquiring this of the forum members, as it is obvious to me that we are of good stock here, and paying the price for being brought into subordination, including developing so-called 'mental illnesses' as a result. That is how they bring us down! They mess with our self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem until we are shells of the people we are supposed to be, and they never let up. What these 'people' have done to my family was horrendously cruel and unforgiveable. I can only hope for karma. Lipstick on pigs!

@Historylover

Its interesting you say ... we have good stock ... here. I do believe many people do learn compassion and ethics when they go through difficult times, that is not to say we should be expected to go thru such times. I prefer people interested in deeper subjects, although I did learn to count...

Rich poor ... its tricky. The perception of who is rich and who is poor does have social impact, and can sometimes broaden the gap or reduce the gap. That is more key to my experience.

Altho I realise there are material realities, and do not believe everything is reduced to perception.

To keep it simple, I recall an auntie who I lived with when I was 10 who was/is very money minded and ambitious for climbing 'up the ladder'. She behaved a little like you descrtibed your rellies, dropping a trail of insulting remarks. She dresses up her greed cleverly, but even her closest sister tired of it. I have uncles and aunties who bought in top end real estate and socialised similarly. They were not extremely rich but comparatively rich to us, although they let me know they struggled against others who had more than them. They did it through hard work and being canny with their resources, however, they were pretty callous as to the plight of their widowed sister and we kids.

I had a brother who always thought himself rich, worked in a bank, then bought property before a boom and made lots of money. I call him my rich brother for simplicity. He was raised by heavy drinking RSL foster family and my mother was worried about that effect on him. It was not great, but he did not become a drinker, however he died of colorectal cancer, probably from all the junk food and lollies they gave him. So, both my rich brother and poor brother died young, a very sad situation. I do not think his competitiveness caused my other brother's death, but it did not really help. It was not really his fault, he was 6 months when we were put into "care".

So thats 2 generations.

My outlaws ex/inlaws ... explained to me that they had a similar problem in their family ... the mother from poor stock the father from rich stock ... it makes it hard ... all round.

Well @Appleblossom . . . I'm a fan, Wise old oak remember..

Every now and then you let small parts of yourself chip off. We pick up the pieces and try to make a whole person of them..

You'll brush this off, but if anyone ever should write a book, . . Its you. I think Its the only way

someone as complex and fractured as you can come out of this thing we call life with some thing

that goes beyond just the average personal triumph. . . . One, no holds barred major surgical

procedure. Find a dark room.. Scream your heart out and wipe the rusty bloodied tools and your hands on the pages. And rub them in the faces of those who trampled the best years of your life.

Its not revenge , Its justice.

I read between your lines. How many miles left on Bentlys odometer. Sorry if this is a bit too

personal, but I hate the people that made your recovery so long and so hard..

Very best wishes. @Appleblossom tonys

Hello @StuF Please.. lurk. You meet a better class of people in the dark... t mb 1

@tonys @Appleblossom @Historylover @StuF @Dimity

Hi guys,

I am supposed to go to a coffee group in real life in half an hour but I don’t feel social today. I don’t think I will go.
What do you do to make yourself go places when you don’t really feel up to it?

Meggle

Hey @Oaktree. I think you have earned the right to follow your mood without justification.

Winters perfect for time out days, so long as you are in good spirits, and healthy about your

solo time. Take care my friend and catch up with you later. tonys moonbase 1

@Oaktree

wot @tonys sed.

Note I am not a socialite or popular... I am going with being included and being genuine authentic, kind, having a few laughs... keeping it light but still be real.

Figure out obligation ... if it is self care... obligation is to self.

Figure out what your resistance is...

Eg ... is it because there is social crap to deal with and its not all fun and games.

Or are you just not up to it and better off next time ... eg ... if I am likely to burst into tears I stay away ... for about 10 years I would have teary weeks and recognise it ... and simply remain home til they had subsided. I tended to need about 10 days to calm my farm. Mostly it worked. I did have a few hurried exits when I did not want people to know and people WERE not up ... for being supportive. SO it was a good call at times to stay away.

Other times it is wiser to push on with plan and just bite the bull et ... and go anyway...

Its not B&W. It does depend on the circs.

This week ... I did not show to 3 things but made 2 long "connecting" phone calls and had a very busy week anyway.

Today I struggled with ruminating over one scenario ... but have actually made some decisions and written notes in my diary ... about how to handle next session in a fortnight.

Some groups are huge and others small and need sensitive tweaking ... maybe ... to make it work ... idk ... no expert ... was social wall flower mostly then had to assume responsible leadership ... so got a big grey area ... between ... wots fun and wots good ... and wots fun for me ... and wots fun for another ... and ... all that stuff...group dynamics.

trying not to throw out baby with bathwater... in close working scenario that is a group in formation... form ... norm ... storm ... perform ... anyway trying to be rational ... optimisitc and with good will ... and not act out of trauma and abandonment triggers ....its taking a lot of work today... but it might be worth it. its a small ensemble.

How much to say in a coffee group ... tricky ... all depends who is in it and how people are feeling ... covering all those parameters .... more tricky than rocket science.....imho...lol

Hi @Appleblossom

I wanted to thank you for your long response to me. I had wanted to reply but was not in the right headspace. I will reread it and try and reply soon.

💜 Meggle

Hi @Appleblossom

I think my main resistance to social situations is the need to make chit chat. I have never understood it. I would watch the girls whisper to each other as a child and wonder what they were talking about. I was always more of a loner and a thinker.

I did go to the Community Adult Mental Health Clinic’s coffee group this afternoon. There were a couple of people there that I was very familiar with and one new person. I did try to include the new guy but I mostly chatted to the one guy that I knew well.

My hubby dropped me off on the way to work so I was an hour and a half early. That allowed me to grab a table big enough for the whole group. The guy I was very familiar with gave me a ride to the train station to make my journey home easier. That was great.

Overall the group went well and I survived the chit chat part of it. I get through it and people probably don’t realise that I struggle with the social side of things but I feel awkward. I need a group to teach me to socialise better.

Meggle

@Oaktree glad you persevered. I have not heard of that kind of group before. Would be good practice. I am vulnerable atm and on fragile thread. Hanging in there.