Socialising for Beginners

@Oaktree Hope its a good day, even if dreaming up weird wonderful menus....are you missing cooking now you have lite and easy?! lol!

@Appleblossom

I wish I knew about this thread sooner.

Thanks for the tag.

Makes me wonder what other amazing threads I am missing out on.

Meggle

Thanks for the tag @Oaktree !

This thread had slipped my mind (as most things do!)

I've just read through the last couple of pages...interesting!

I'm not sure what to contribute, but I hope you don't mind my lurking in the background @Appleblossom @Historylover @tonys @Dimity

Of course, if I feel I have something useful to add I will chime in 🙂

@Appleblossom

No not missing cooking yet and certainly enjoying the fact that there is less mess to clean up afterwards. I have enjoyed my first week on Lite n’ Easy.

Socialising here in an anonymous format is so much easier than in a real life situation. In real life I struggle with small talk. I hate it! It seems so pointless. But once the conversation is flowing and there is actually something to say then I am ok. I think I need more practice.

Meggle

@StuF

Go to thread options and hit subscribe. Then it will notify you of new messages. I do this on all the threads I find interesting.

I am glad that my supporting your response was useful to you.

Meggle

Good idea @Oaktree

Thanks 🙂

@Historylover Sorry the answer from the AI made you cry. Guessing there is a lot of loneliness and pain for both of you.

Its interesting, that in your observation your father did nothing wrong socially. I had to turn to Sapolski's Stanford lectures on Evoltionary Biology to start to make sense of it ...and do my own time at a zoo. He starts off asking a question. He opens up the concept of its genetic... and has a sense of humour.

its not just about running groups ... hoping they are safe ... it is also the links made or not made outside of the formal structures... that also matter. At least he posits the realities of social posturing and hierarchies.

I had to do alot of reflection on my childhood observations and have shifted the narrative from 'what I was told' to somehow gel with my observations back then and my adult understanding of the social realities he lived. (Including waiting for and reading all the prejudicial and judgmental statements in various files... hmmm).

Yes I need to be careful about doing too much. Not to let myself be overstretched. I just cancelled tonight trip across town. They can cope without me.

History Lover I really hope you feel you fit in here on the forum. You matter to me, we have depth to our conversations.

@StuF

love your input ... I dont even think of lurking ... as a thing on this forum.

@tonys @Dimity @Historylover @Oaktree

I posted about this lecture series early in my time on the forum. Think I might listen to it again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNnIGh9g6fA

Think I will use the word 'continua' more ... lol ... 'spectrum' ... has been high jacked a bit.

Like that he unpacks ... categorical thinking ... extremely relevant to mental health field.

My heart is breaking, @Appleblossom. Here is the only place that has saved my life during these past three years, and it has been fulfilling to respond to others who are real. It has been wonderful to develop in this forum.

I did discuss this sort of thing with my ex-psy many years ago. One of the first questions he had asked me was if I had any rich relatives.

(Do you? Please respond to this question. It is really important to my research on this subject).

The reason he asked is because how my 'rich' (thieving, low life) relatives achieved their 'richness' was to ensure that we (their social superiors) never got anywhere. As a result, they got ahead, and we went backwards and our family fell into ruin. They treated us like the poor relatives but never allowed us to disengage from them, and they were always 'dropping in' to brag, intimidate and make us give up in any endeavour. They were defective folk, uneducated, unrefined hillbillies who simply faked it until they made it. And we were subordinated to them. My parents didn't understand this strategy, but my ex-psy made sure I did.

It seems to me that if a lineage is unable to socially establish at each generation, it gets further and further behind the 8-ball, and this is the perplexing reason why we are unable to understand why we don't fit in. My lineage is customarily excluded at every generation. We have the rank but not the attributes, not the wealth, not the skills etc. because we don't fit where we should be. For me, now, I don't have a home, a car, a family; I have a passion for psychiatry and sociology but don't have access to the person who trained me for it. I can't establish>I don't fit in.

My ex-psy gave me space to work some of this out for myself years ago. I summed it up by saying that the higher the rank of the person/family conquered, the higher the conqueror rises. And the riches just pour in because society supports them and doesn't want the best to succeed. Everyone falls in behind the rich person—regardless of how they achieved it. And riches just fall their way to ensure we always feel like underlings.

I have also found that when I come to the realization that the subordinate social position I have assumed in a relationship is wrong, people move away. My ex-sil's husband was 'head man on an oil rig'. WOW! It turned out he was a mechanic. You should have seen the way they shrinked back when they realized I wasn't supposed to know. And my ex-fil was an architect. It turned out he was an architect's clerk. My ex-h also moved away when I came to the realization that I was not the lucky one in that marriage! So you see, I commit to these relationships, and years later I am abandoned and have to start again. It's the same in employment. Unless I allow employers to ride rough shod over me, touch me, force me to agree with them to keep my job, I lose my job. My father too. The cards are stacked against us at every turn.

Nothing ever went wrong for those people, and I asked my ex-psy how many cents in the dollar some people get? You would not believe the wealth that just 'fell into their hands'.

It's very hard to discuss this complex matter in such a small space. There's a lot to be said for the days when one understood whether one sat above or below the salt. Life was simpler and more ordered. Perhaps. Or is it that there have always been those who bluffed their way into positions of power and feigned importance to usurp their superiors? And greatly enrich themselves.

@Historylover

Omg I relate to the rich relatives but I never considered that was the reason I felt less than!

My Aunty married a psychiatrist and pretended she came from a well off family. When she couldn’t produce that family she shunned us all. She ended up owning a property worth well over a million dollars and then kicked my other Aunt out of a property worth another million dollars.

My Nana couldnt afford the downpayment on a house way back so my Aunt and her husband put down the downpayment and the house was put in their name. My Nana and my other Aunt actually paid off the house. How does that sound fair that she ended up with a house in a suburb really close to the city which is sought after and she didn’t pay for it?

My second Aunt went to a lawyer with receipts and all my other Aunt offered was 15k which was rejected. Now my second Aunt has nothing.

My rich Aunt has two sons whom I have never met but they think we are money hungry so want nothing to do with our side of the family. We are nothing but dirt on their shoes!

Thanks for mentioning this. It makes so much sense.

Meggle