Socialising for Beginners

Back on this thread cos still at my socialising attempts.

Seems such an mixed bag of all sorts. Seems I have to keep that attitude and not get too deep and personal and keep pushing on with it. Stepping on with best intentions, a little bit of cheer and try and keep all my latent fear in check.

Trauma and fear popped out at the senior exercise class, and I voiced it a little and will see how we go in future ... fitting in is all very well but dont want to me into a pretzel too far. Its a good class for me on a few levels, but there is a lady there who seems to be acting weird around me and I feel she is mocking/bullying....She is making jokes but being loud and distancey with it. Ahhh feelings and social cues ...???&&**!

I have been experimenting with staying with feeling uncomfortable and making reality checks. My energy used to be very low and collapsed and I was a lot more obviously fearful. I do have better energy these days, just to relate and be light, mouth at the ready and not all my heartache on my sleeve.

Had a lovely Sunday making music and meeting people. A lady came across to me and said we had a special connection and would play again. She was in advanced group. My fear of abandonment and being a reject is so deep and easily set off, but that person is pretty introverted too, so I feel she meant what she said.

My son is going through difficult few days and I really feel it is important for him that I keep putting that social foot forward, and not slide back into my withdrawal where the only social contact for years was on this forum or with health type providers. So keeping on with various activities....is for more than just me, but I have to listen to my feelings and interpret them ... such a strange language cos I was used to shutting them up. If they are a guide to what is going on ... what does it all mean???

So glad you're pushing on with it @Appleblossom, the music especially. I gave up on musicking when I didn't feel good enough and the social vibes were bad.

You said "I have been experimenting with staying with feeling uncomfortable and making reality checks." That's my strategy too (on a good day).

Today was a good day. I ventured to a community group for the first time. It was worth the effort and the walk, and I'll probably try again next time it meets.

Well thats your hidden mountain pass and your still on your journey. @Appleblossom . Think I said to you once your way smart and way deep and not many folks in this fast world can interface with that.

It goes over my head more often than not, but I don't care. You give me a different angle on things.

So if your every yapping with me, don't hold back or I wont learn anything. I like you best when you put the suitcase down and just cut loose. Tupperware talk. . . . Nah..

And besides. Now my mentor Floating feathers has flown north . . . who's gunna give me curry.

Very best wishes to you Appleblossom. tonys mb 1

Ha ha @tonys

Always love hearing from you mate.

Do you want green or red curry?

Vindaloo or Tikka Masala?

Some guy did say once that I was hot stuff ... lol

but also can be a bit of a marshmallow ... all soft and gooey inside.

Nah not good at tupperware talk either.

Just shared on VMIAC seclusion and restraints consultation. Not much tupperware there.

Glad you got value from your group activity @Dimity

Yes keeping at it for the overall benefit is important.

I think I am needing to bring together my different sides ... my strength and my weakness ...so not cave in ... when I meet resistance or rudeness or judgment ... slings and arrows of misfortune ... not internalising more shame but staying busy and active. It even helps to mention my other activities rather than getting personal. Part of my problem is that I do not always know what will pop out of my mouth. Sometimes I can be carefully restrained other times its heart on my sleeve. Trying to have a few good stories to share to keep the mood light, but the reality is I actually need to have good experiences to have good things to share.

I guess thats true of most people on here.

@Appleblossom your self-awareness would be a strength... even being conscious of your different sides. It's not easy to be detached and analytical in the stress of the moment when feelings (emotions, sensations) are bubbling up. I struggle.

Following my discussion group I feel a bit vulnerable - books read and takes on current affairs exposing worldviews and politics - but accepting the tapestry and being a bit more cerebral than usual was a plus

@Dimity yes... sometimes it seems the best thing is to go into cerebral land and other times get firmly anchored in the body and those funny things called feelings.

Book clubs can be hard, a lot depends on the willingness of people involved to make it an open discussion rather than be closed minded.

There are so many expectations ... and so much diversity ... of backgrounds and opinions. I thought it was sad you stopped the musicking. Its so easy to be put off ... 6 years ago, a lady said to me, in a local folk group that she only had GOOD people in her small recorder group. With 'good' presented like a brick wall, no opening for me. I was silenced and went away. Went the heavy med approach for a while. Just one of many straws sitting on my back. Not sure what you were playing or singing... it should not be a competition or a put down. I find I prefer some formal or structure or even audition as opposed to some person's weird subtle magical judgment without clear criteria ... cos I just do not seem to know what is required unless it is spelled out.

Thanks @Appleblossom .. hope you kicked up some chalk today. Green curry . . Nice

Red curry . . . Nice . But I like the colour you make. . . Unpredictable.

Ever notice when 2 people meet, they are always on their best behaviour for the first 6 months.

After carrying those heavy suitcases It finally feels so good just to put them down, straighten the

back, and just be themselves. The honeymoon period.

I expend only just enough energy to pass as human without succumbing to the added weight.

There are bus loads of people that will never like us no matter what we do. The hard bit for me was learning to totally ignore people that are rude and "deliberately" hurtful . They don't change. they are not worth it.

I don't think It should feel like effort when you are socializing and . We can't make people like us.. If its hard work , why would we want too. Plenty of folk like a good hot curry mate.

I reckon. . . dont change you recipe for anyone. Cook it . They will come...

Tonys..

Thanks @tonys

Needed that encouragement and humour.

Last night worked on one "group" ... figured out some of where another was coming from, got her to be more honest, than just put up her nose at me. Will work it a bit more to see if there are still possibiilities to "play" together. She has retired from the allied health field. Did my working 8 days a week line. Been there done that.

This morning wagged exercise class, put off dealing with that til next week. Got 2 choirs today. So plenty to deal with. I guess thats part of my currrent approach ... jump in paddle like mad ... scope the situation, and give myself plenty of time to process, then find effective ways of pushing back 'with gusto" if needed.

Mostly I prefer the gently bently approach.

@Historylover @Dimity @Oaktree

@Appleblossom

I love your gently bentley approach!!!

I canceled my appointments today too.

I am having a pyjama day.

Meggle

Good to see you are plodding on, @Appleblossom. I've tried all approaches. They just don't work for me, nor for my father, and I'd be surprised if it wasn't an ancestral problem. My father couldn't figure out what he was doing wrong either, and I observed that he was doing nothing wrong.

I just asked ChatGPT why some lineages don't fit in anywhere. It made me cry and feel sadder. I've done my best. I can't figure out which character trait I, and my family, could be missing. Life's like the game of musical chairs and there's just no chair for me.

I'm just so damned sad.

Don't overdo those social events!