Socialising for Beginners

@Historylover

I do not know much about your parents or what happened. I hear the love and the hurt. It is a lovely image to think of them singing together. If they were both singers, you probably do/did have it in you to sing. Then again pursuing your unique path may be best. I have a hunch you put them and musicians on a pedestal. My mother became a soprano late (in her 50s and I accompanied her a bit). She was competitive, had to be topdog, and made music complicated for me.

That is what we can do, understand them as humans and then reparent ourselves with all the unmet needs they did not satisfy.

It also sounds as if there was triangulation with them and your girls, like my mother did with mine. We are both in a situation where we are trying to make the best of it.

I do not expect much of my current psychiatrist. He is decent and thats enuff. His receptionist is snarky, but I am learning to put my guard up and just accept that its her problem. I had not seen a psychiatrist since the one that let me down terribly in the 80s/90s. That one had the reputation and his own messiah complex going. Hmmmm.

If you do not like this guy, then listen to your instincts. Its your life, your value, your dignity.

Re Dissociation ... I am still unpacking what it means for me. How it is adaptive, how it feels, when it happens ... what is being in my body and what is being in my head ...

In playing the piano ... there are different levels ... we need to physically play the notes, we may be thinking of notes, chords, or whats for dinner ... different levels of concentration ... lately I am allowing myself to enjoy more and feel more ... so thats a win.

There certainly was triangulation between my parents, daughters and myself. My mother (and my father) was horrifically abused by certain relatives and they destroyed her personality. Putting it far too simply, she (they) became to her own family what her oppressors were to my birth family—they sabotaged everything we tried to achieve. After relinquishing my daughters, my parents (Brisbane) remained in telephone contact with them. When my daughter recently served me with the IVO, she said in it that my mother had told her that I had said that my daughter wasn't fit to kiss my feet.

I never discussed anything about my daughters with my parents. My mother lived for some way to make herself important, and pretending to have information on me that she could relay to my daughter made her of great value. But anything she conveyed was a lie because I would never exchange a word about my family. I knew how far it would be broadcast down the street, which was full of my her kin. These folk and sundry others love, and live for, malicious, delicious gossip and revel in the destruction of my birth family and its descendants. My mother never realized that she was a pawn in their game. She would make up stories to make herself the centre of their attention and destroyed her family in doing so. Having my parents on my team was worse than conceding defeat before the game. I never stood a chance with the damage they have wrought on me and mine, and poisoning a child against their parent is very psychologically damaging. My daughter isn't the same person. She is not her true self. She has been damaged by people who used her as a pawn in their game to bring me down. Mine was an antifamily. And there are so many about. Some are just worse than others.

I wish I could say that was the worst of their deeds. That was one of the least damaging, unfortunately.

I'm now positive that psychiatrist played me. How I'd like to sit in discussion with him anyway, now that we have sized each other up. But it's discussion I want, not treatment. I just need help to get out of this trap my ex-psy set for me, and none will...to fix what he so maliciously wrecked.

P.S. No, I don't put musicians on a pedestal at all. I just have respect for the gift and would like to have added musicianship to my repertoire of abilities, too. I just love, respect and admire any skill that takes dedication to perfect. It's hard work and our lives are enhanced by it.

I don't put anyone on a pedestal, @Appleblossom. I didn't even put my ex-psy on a pedestal when he was my 'ally' and we were a team. I just give credit where credit is due, and it must be earned and at no other's expense.

Those different levels of concentration...what's for dinner, did I put the washing out, I need a cuppa, something to eat...Maintaining concentration is always a struggle for me unless the task is engrossing.

@Historylover

I do not "like" the lil ole laydee tag. I have heard it derisively and patronisingly over the years. I use it ironically. I am tall. I use it provocatively which is why I spell it wrong. I am having that joke on me, now, on my terms and usually with a little dance.

I was old before my time in many ways. As a kid too much responsibility. Health VERY BAD through 30s to 40. My son said I was getting younger ... in my 50s. I tended to associate with older people because they were calmer and I could cope with that better with my neck condition.

Today, I went back for senior exercise but did not stay for coffee. Taking the social temperature, mostly it is good enuff and there is plenty of friendship and respect. I am learning NOT to be triggered by old worries, such as bullies or people in charge. Having a joke, building repartee, or with gentler types, just little exchanges. It is a big group which helps make it a bit more fluid.

I actually praised someone's outfit. It was so subtle and beautiful, the fabrics and design. She is 80 and dresses up for exercise, but she is kind and gentle, used to work on the farm, so I know she did it tough when she was young. I used to feel blocked from looking good and inadequate, but I must have gotten over any envy as it spontaneously burst out of me. Mostly I feel detached from what I call posy rosies ... but she had dignity.

In a way, I am reverse engineering and coming to terms with my decisions and actions and my personality with all the atypical events and experiences in my life.

@Historylover

Re your daughter.

"She is not her true self." I feel that way about mine. She was used by my mother to white wash herself. Parental alienation is toxic and has ongoing reverberations. It is shameful and so very difficult to find people to open up about it and even start the discussion. Most just come down with premature judgment. Our situation was partly also due to competitiveness and feuds from my mother's generation and siblings.

You wrote "But it's discussion I want, not treatment." I love our chats. I am getting sick of the "treatment" word. Its all very well if they do what they purport to do, but that is rare in my experience.

So good that you are enjoying yourself with these various socialisations and real-life experiences, @Appleblossom. 😉. Half your luck, although when things are going well enough here, all I need is a walk in the fresh air to rejuvenate me. Perhaps it's time for today's walk? I just got my assignment back from Studiosity, and there is more work to be done yet. It helps me to re-focus when I submit it for checking as it alleviates my tangle of thoughts and directions. It works well for me.

And I found the perfect design motifs for my third assignment's presentation. It has taken on colour. I hadn't been able to collect my thoughts on it, so I was getting concerned, thinking that I'll never get through this semester. It seems that this may be a recurring theme for students, so once I've experience it many times, I'll accept that when the going gets tough...

Now I'm back in the race. 😌(relieved face!). The final 2250-word essay is taking form in my mind too. I'm doing intercultural communication as it relates to the Voice, and how it is being communicated in its various forms to a multitude of Australians of different cultures and opinions. It's giving me the opportunity to investigate the proposal in full detail which I probably wouldn't have done otherwise. It certainly is controversial. And there is so much racism about, still.

As for age, when we begin to notice ageism, it's certainly time to fight back. I don't feel much different to when I was in my thirties and I wasn't expecting that.

@Appleblossom , it saddens me deeply, what has been done to my daughters, and makes me so very angry. I have just had to bite the bullet and let it ride itself out. Eventually truths must begin to come back into focus. What had been done to my birth family to so distort their personalities also deeply saddens me. Their abusers (my mother's kin) have paid a high price for their horrid, deceitful behaviours and unabated greed, but I won't be happy until they learn their place. I'll leave that to your imagination, rather than mention (rank) which doesn't belong to them, but to my family and several other related, down-trodden families in our tribe. Rank is so very important, understanding it and taking on its obligations are vital to family survival and prosperity. Noblesse Oblige, and all that. My ex-psy made me understand 'rank' and I'll be forever grateful to him for it. He took me from a lost soul to walking in locked step with him. You cannot measure the depth of my gratitude. It's like finding out you are a Rembrandt rather than a discarded lunch wrap.

@Historylover

Rembrandt or rubbish ...

Hearing you

more original trope than Ugly duckling or swan.

Yep... overwhelm and sorting thru it all ... is very much the student's life ...making some sense of the question, the argument, or the issue. Yes it continues after graduation, but having dived in again and again, we develop the wherewithall, to realise how, and do the work. Having done it many times gives one the sense of how to "paddle" through it.

I know one lady who has no respect for intellectual work. It is her loss and she works hard in her way, so I respect what we have in common, which is history and call out, then sidestep and limit her rants. Its not about me. Oh the mental health of those in the work place is definitely an issue ...

Last night I was with 2 well educated professionals. Learning to feel accepted and share what we can ... So it seems instead of a soul mate, my path involves relating to others through the many different facets that my RICH life has offered.

The Voice was raised, but as we had already discussed it and I believe all 3 of us had paid sufficient rent, we did not rehash it, but acknowledged our respect and dislike of all racism.

I have been looking at Indigenous speakers from across the board. I used to like Marcia Langton and the Greens, but feeling they getting too full of themselves, so listening a little more to Warren Mundine and Jacinta Price ... Bottom line I have always listened and walked with them and of course believe they should have a voice. I am wary of politicky types and hypes and their motives. I am wary of it becoming divisive. These are difficult times.

Mmmm, @Appleblossom, I'm still trying to develop the best essay writing method and keep referring back to the question to ensure I have covered all bases. I tend to write it, then try to relocate the references from my readings. I know it's wrong, but I'm still finding my feet and with so much time between major essays, it's difficult to develop a system, but I will. I'm sure it will get easier as I go.

As for education, it determines where we end up in life—even socially. I wouldn't swap where I was before I took to books for $millions. Education is absolutely priceless to me. I mentioned in a previous post that there was nothing I envy. There are two things, family unity and education. I 'envy'/aspire to both, and both had long been my goals.

You're absolutely right...you certainly have had an eventful life, and rising above adversity shapes character.

I like Marcia, but Linda is a bit over the top in her presentation for me. I wish she'd tone down her fashion, it's not a red-carpet event. I like Malarnndirri (beautiful name). The trouble with such exposure during the lead up to the referendum is that the spokespeople get over-exposed. And they're fighting for an issue of great importance to their people.

P.S. I went for my walk, got several hundred metres away, saw my local reserve looking absolutely magnificent with its emerald green grass. I had to walk on to it to remember the experience, then laid down and enjoyed the sunshine. It was blissful.

That makes me smile - you laying down on emerald grass. @Historylover

Yes it is tricky, and there are so many different language groups and different places with slightly different needs. I am glad it is being discussed., tho. I hated the old way ... when people got away with racist talk ... many people are cleaning up their act.

I love Indigenous art, film culture ... and shorts and comedy.

But championing one people does not excuse blaming another. We have to face the human race is a mixed bag with a checkered history ...