Socialising for Beginners

Good to hear you are back on track @Historylover

The track you have set for yourself.

Maybe start adding colour to your clothing by opshopping. That is the way I began. I cant be bothered with new clothes anymore. Pick up a scarf or a top you like. The friends I had Easter lunch are heavily into throwing things out and decluttering and buying new. I just ignore all that chatter. Its not me. No I do not even feel jealous.

The plumbing is blowing out. Had building inspector today and they want to check in wall cavities. So it will not be finished tmrw. Had to cancel that plumber and going with insurance and doing a proper job, not a bandaid fix. She covered the mould up today and said it was good I doused it all in white vinegar.

Somethings are worth being pedantic and finicky about. If it gives a you pleasure and a sense of empowerment ... Go for it.

I see you were talking about speaking up with FloatingFeather. I've made this observation, @Appleblossom—when we enter a group situation, there is already an established pecking order and all niches are full. When we speak up, we are not just expressing a different point of view, we are challenging the established order and that causes discomfort and raised eyebrows. So do we challenge or be a pawn in their game? I've taken the opt out option, but I'd love to find some interesting folk to share my life and conversations with. 🤔

As for clothes and anything else, I don't envy anything. I like my values as they are.

Looks like we have a rainy day today...of course, I have to go out later! 🌦️

Well, have a good day. I love the rain! ☔

@Historylover Hearing you about established pecking orders. Much of my recent socialising is since January this year.

Eg., The church I began to go to during Covid. In the church I gave plenty of positive comment to things being well run, but I think the people in power like their power and are rude and gruff. So now I am stirring things up a bit. Was gobsmacked at first and very hurt and pondered on it a while.

Realising I can have other activities on the side and that I am no longer needy as I was as a child. Putting "charity" in perspective. So yeah I am going to use it as my 'learning to assert myself' practice and keep challenging them if needed. I did it with a bit of humour so made the head honcho couple smile at themselves a bit ... but strong and full bodied and full with feeling and no BS. we will see what happens. Sometimes people think cos I have a gentle manner I am a pushover, but now I have actually been in an opera, I can put on a show if needed. Its not about poor me, its about getting the culture to be inline with the ethics and vision. I am just following my instincts. Following my instincts and not second guessing myself all the time is new for me ...

@Appleblossom, I have a tendency to jump in and help out. I don't feel it is appreciated as it is meant—not wanting to leave everything to others. Often there seems to be the understanding that I am eager to please, and therefore compliant, so I look for alternative approaches. I haven't found any to date. They love praise. Makes them feel superior and important, from my experience.

The only way around this is to start our own groups, but no-one will come to mine. It's an unwritten rule. This woman with leadership abilities must only be allowed to follow, or be excluded. I see it happen repeatedly to others, too. It elevates their social standing to have me as an underling. For me, working my way up the ladder is stymied every time. And how they love to pull rank!!

I have difficulty picturing you with a gentle manner, @Appleblossom. Childhood can certainly make a mess of us. My mess, for the most part, bypassed earliest childhood and commenced in full force at around 10ish years of age, in the approach to the vulnerable years of puberty.

Hearing you about groups @Historylover and various frustrations.

Someone said in the early days I was a tsunami on this forum. I was really out on a limb alone and struggling and so was my son.

I can be a good little follower, even now, but not impressed by those who throw their weight around unnecessarily. I have worked on my sense of humour and I am now in old age developing how I can have a little tantie that I can get away with. My mother said I never tantrummed as a child, except being afraid of doctor when had bad ear infection. Things were far too serious for such things, even though as a mum I was told often that it is a part of the 2 year old phase. I have witnessed a lot of other people's tantrums .... hmmm ... serious and petty. I also wonder if that belief has encouraged kids to act up more than they did historically and cause headaches for teachers and parents and people in general. IMHO.

I had not acted in an opera til well after I joined this forum. It was an interesting experience and free, I did not even have audition but as I knew a lot of people in chorus just mingled in! More fun being on stage than buying a ticket ... its not just about the money...

Anyway at the church, I made a pun on the head couples name with humour and they fancy themselves very dte Aussie ... I have also put line in sand ... in that I am not to be bossed around summarily as is their usual style (picked up by whispers in the congregation). Eg they told me off for weeding as I left church one Sunday but not coming to their garden group. I did a big ... I will weed when I see it is good and fit to weed ... They are high status and like it ... and I do not mind if they stick to their roles as they work hard and are good at it ... president or whatever ... WITH RESPECT. I will be talking about Culture change etc ... and doing my thing my way. Last week I got a friendly wave from one... who had been too important to talk to earlier,,,

I have been a paid leader in various styles of groups, book clubs, music etc ... but honestly it can be hard work and not worth the bother. I try and keep carefully fit for purpose .... about 10 years ago I started backing away from leadership roles and started jumping like a little frog into bigger ponds .... hence the opera ... and other big music events. Now I am just wanting to be me ... leader or not ... I can easily switch roles ... I was sports captain and class rep at school... handed a choir etc ... but grown ups can be worse than kinder kids ... said my gp of the time ... in consolation to me.

Old age, @Appleblossom? 🤔 I don't feel old, so neither should you. It's a mindset. Change yours! 😉

I wondered what you were referring to, re having been in an opera. I thought it might have been metaphorically speaking...as in you've practised how to express yourself on this forum over the years so you're now more able to tackle face-to-face conversations, differences of opinion and asserting yourself generally.

Which opera? Sounds like a wonderful experience. How I'd love to be able to be able to hold a note! I imagine you'll jump at the chance to do it again?

As for the young, I am so tired of young people who think they know everything (politics, discussion groups etc. 😖) Life's experiences are priceless. The young are given too little restraint, and too little proper example to live by, in my opinion.

@Historylover It was chorus in a Wagner but I should not say more. Very intense and fun, but the music director got up my nose, as a pretentious p, and I mentally absented myself from the room everytime he opened his mouth. The end conductor was elderly gentle and gorgeous, but it was months of the other rude dude. Another lady on stage who lead singing groups across town said I was a solid operatic mezzo. Young people in it kept me young.

Dont rob me of my lil ole ladee status. lol I gotta seniors card ...lol ... when back is bad ... I walk very crooked ...

I am probably very good at dissociating ... was even taught it as a technique for performance ... now with all the trauma stuff online ...

Bessel van der kolk ... talks about complex adaptations ... dissociation is one ... fitting in is another

@Historylover popped back online just to post to you ... I am sure you can sing if you want to ... relax and give yourself some slack ... in music ... I believe the only perfect things should be perfect intervals and cadences. Too much pretention wrecks music IMO and people often fake it to make it in music ... but real music ... touches what is human ...

Sounds like the Cycle, @Appleblossom. Lucky You! That must have been quite an experience. No, I cannot sing a note. I have heard it said that everyone can sing but some people shouldn't. That's me. I have thought of taking lessons, but it would be a waste of money. I cannot hit a note and it sounds like squeaky, leaking gas. There are times when I would love to burst into song. Both of my parents had beautiful voices. Up until our family went off track, they used to sing together at home, just for the love of it. My mother was a soprano, my father was a tenor, and they sang beautifully together. They should have joined choirs, at least, but they were socially inexperienced too. Social inexperience and not fitting in stymies many wonderful people. Not fitting in causes the social inexperience, and on it goes, self-perpetuating, and the injustice alters personalities. My father didn't fit in anywhere and I now fully understand the path his life took. My poor, poor father. I inherited the same path. Now I understand him so much better, though I still can't forgive his (their) dreadful deeds against me and against my daughters (and he let me take the blame which makes it doubly dreadful).

You like the little old lady descriptor?? I'm hobbling at the moment, too. I tangled with a shopping trolley many years ago, trying to make it turn sideways, but its wheels were those that only went straight ahead. I planted my feet and put all my strength into turning it and my hip was damaged in the attempt. I limped all the way home in serious pain. It mostly healed but always reminds me it's still there, but lately has been a bit delicate. I'm pampering it.

Out of interest, do you have a broad jaw? Because I've noticed many opera singers have broad jaws and I've concluded that it must carry through to a broader vocal structure, more suited to singing.

I saw that psychiatrist today. It was a complete waste of money. He just wasn't on my wavelength, but now that I am home and have had time to digest, I think he may have been playing dumb. He's supposed to be in the top 1% of intelligence (?)—I checked him on the YouTube. Either he was being deceptive, or he's used to dealing with simpler, mature aged patients. I just get the feeling now that he was playing dumb to rattle me. Anyway, I won't go back. Back to being one of two people who understand exactly what my ex-psy has done, and is doing, to me. He has me hog tied.

That this fellow did understand me seems certain now that I've had the opportunity to think about it. Playing me. They really are all the same.

@Appleblossom, dissociate as in separate yourself from yourself, and immerse yourself in the role and performance?

I've always wondered how people can play a role without losing themselves in the process.