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I am new to this so please bare with me. I have been married for 21 years and only now do I see part of why I suffer from mental illness. I feel my husband has ruled our relationship for years. From wanting to know where I am to how long I will be out to coming to work with me as he did not trust the person I was working for (I have my own cleaning business). I found out last year that the reason we have one child is that he made the decission not to have anymore children because of my mental health but would never discuss this with me when I would ask. The answer I would get was because. This was said infront of a counseller and myself. He now claims he does not remember saying that (as per everything else he claims not to remember). This information broke my heart to the max.
I have been accuse of a mountain of things from having affairs to being rude to his mother. Both of us have been cheeted on in our previous relationship. I have given up all my friend as it got too hard when I would go out.
I feel exhausted, lonely and extremely sad. Most mornings I wake and tears start flowing. sometime they stop and other time they continue for most of the day. I put on a mask around others and my 17 year old.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this.
@Heart. I'm glad you found an outfit you liked. And well done on voicing your need to go alone. Take care of yourself.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia, Will do and thank for you comfort. Speak soon
In response to: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @Heart. Thank you for having the courage to share. I admire you for confiding in me. I hope, one day, you have the same courage with your hubby. Your brother and mine could be brothers themselves. The descriptions are so similar. The 'sex addict' description for your brother is similar to the way a rapist works. The need to control is tantamount. My brother has been married multiple times, he is an habitual liar, and cheat. However with these qualities, his biggest offense is the one he commits to himself. Lying and cheating to himself is worse because every time he tells someone something that doesn't quite 'gel' he would have to try to explain. Liars need excellent memories in order to continue lying. My brother is totally narcissistic, your brother sounds similar. Narcissism is an illness, made worse because the narcissist cannot see themselves. To them, the world in general is at fault for their misfortunes, therefore the world has to 'pay'. They choose their victims carefully. Firstly they manipulate to make sure they are credible, next they make sure the victim is seen as the liar. If your two BIL's were similar in nature, they would back each other and try to outdo each other. Both brothers would see their actions as clever and witty. I assume neither brother is in a relationship at this time. If they are, the girls involved would have to be totally ignorant or willing participants. The fact that your brother was involved with this simply tells me 'birds of a feather'. If your brother was friendly with people not in the same category, the friendship would soon disintegrate. He needs his own type of person, similar in nature and deed. I actually pity my brother, I realize he can't help himself. To help himself, he has to 'see' himself, he's blocked his true nature from himself and re-built to what he is today. Whether he is happy is another question. Narcissists claim to be happy, whether they are is open.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip, Your wiseness is like an owl (I mean this lovingly). My brother and two brother in laws are all still married to their original wives. Don't know how but anyway. Yes agree the cheating and lies to himself. I was alway told by him, being older than me, that life was so much better before I came along. There is 2year 9 months and three day between us. I could never work out how at 2 years of age he knew that life was better. Growing up I can remember that it was alway about him. My parents thought the sun shone out of your know where. but now it all makes sense with the information you have just given me.
I suspected my brothers actions to me long ago. When i found out about cheating on his wife, that confirmed alot. Now that he has disowned the family I feel he is runnning away from the truth of my side of the family.
I have my thinking chair out the back of the grass. It was alway kept beside my art room. This morning I woke up to find it moved out further and a second one facing it. (like the TV show Eye to Eye.) I am suspecting Hubby and Brother in law have had a chat as I told Hubby to come clean and tell his brother what is going on between us. That was eariler in the week when hubby told me he didnot remember saying thing infront of the consellor. After seeing that I am a little on edge. we will see what happens.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. I can hear you are starting to tread cautiously where hubby is concerned because of the existing relationship between him and BIL. When hubby denied remembering what he had said with the counselor, this could be his way of trying to discredit your memory and also trying to 'paint' a picture of you as maybe slightly off-key. I'm not suggesting for one moment that what I just said is true, but narcissists (as I said) need to be in control. The three who are still in their original marriages could mean the wives totally believe the abuse (behind closed doors) that they're being subjected to. Or the hubby's may be totally 'normal' in their treatment of their wives. Men who habitually cheat become real expert at hiding their activities from unsuspecting families. Men like this shower their wives/families with praise and gifts as a token of their never-ending love and admiration for a job well done with wife being above and beyond the call of duty 'perfect'. Poor wife has no idea of hubby's true nature because she simply doesn't see it, or refuses to believe if told. Most narc's keep their verbal abuse toward wife (behind closed doors), wife may think every time hubby admonishes her for something, he has the right to do so. This is usually because he has 'brainwashed' into believing he has this right. Poor wife would just about need mentally re-programming. To the outside world, hubby is totally devoted to wife, but complains slightly of how hard he has to work to take care of her and family. People admire and respect his devotion because that's the picture painted. Usually wife does not work as this would give her independence (this is not acceptable). If she is working, it would only be on his terms, and with his permission.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Further to the above. If you 'google' waif, King, Queen, Hermit (there maybe one other), these are the personality traits of narcissists. Doesn't make for 'bedtime, go to sleep' stories.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip, Your first two sentences is what I have been feeling for year and was alway told what and how I should be feeling. When I had my first breakdown 15 years ago, I though It was other things. In April this year I had another and started feeling that there was something more to the equasion. I have felt this since then and what you have said makes sense. I understand what you are saying about "not suggesting for one mement that what you just said is true."
I have felt there was more to my break downs than what I was feeling but could never put a finger on it. I was made to feel that I could not cope with things. I kept telling myself that I was an idiot for wanting what I wanted to make me happy and that I was stupid for not seeing another side to it, (as I was told).
As for the working part, yes he would tell me that he didn't like where I was working or who for as he did not trust them. It felt like I was not being trusted. But it was alright for him to hug his ex because of their child.( as I was told, "she is the mother of my son".)
as I said you have put clarification into what I have been feeling for year but could not describe successfully to others how I felt. I am trying to get my MHN to see what I am saying and can't find the correct words to explain. He keeps telling me that I am at that age and dealing with changes. He tells me that being lonely is not a nice place (been married 3 time). I have felt this way for a long time.
In response to: Power relationship
Unknown userMember
Re: Power relationship
I've only caught a little of this conversation, to hear enough ...to know it's colours. Narcissistic Personality.. Masters of manipulation. Abusers behind closed doors. Will do everything possible to control your world, finances, family, friends right down to what you eat, how you can speak, how you can act, your children. It's often very suggestive, insidious, strong control. It's a very powerful form of abuse, and not easy to break free of. It makes you second guess yourself. It's lows are horrific, it's highs beyond belief...it's a cycle that keeps you continually walking on egg shells. It's damage takes years to 're-program. Especially long term emotional abuse.
But once they start loosing control, by the abused leaving...the worst still follows unfortunately. This is where it takes everything you've got left, find support networks, DV agencies, get supports in place before leaving. They will sense it's foothold is strong. It's a journey...But Remember it's not your fault. Trust your inner guide. Play smart, there is help out there and a way to break free. ❤ Many women face this. It's not talked about openly because if the shame, humiliation it breeds... You are not crazy...❤❤❤ @Heart
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Former-Member & @pip he has never physically abused me and doesn't control what I eat, he barely reaises a voice at me. I feel the mental stuff is what is getting me. I don't feel free to be the authentic person that I am.
In response to: Power relationship
Unknown userMember
Re: Power relationship
Morning @Heart, I lived with a lot of emotional abuse previously. It's very subtle, & confusing. It keeps you in a pull/push cycle. Being directly in it also makes it harder to see. Trust your inner feeling. I'm amazed at how much I let my intuition be questioned. Intuition is a powerful tool to acknowledge oneself, feeling, thinking, functioning. Have you looked up the cycle of abuse? It may shed some light on what you go through, make a little more sense to what is happening. It takes time, slow unraveling. I wish you kind thoughts today, just be kind to you, acknowledge little niggling hurts. If safe to do so, keep a journal of this. ❤💛❤💛
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