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I am new to this so please bare with me. I have been married for 21 years and only now do I see part of why I suffer from mental illness. I feel my husband has ruled our relationship for years. From wanting to know where I am to how long I will be out to coming to work with me as he did not trust the person I was working for (I have my own cleaning business). I found out last year that the reason we have one child is that he made the decission not to have anymore children because of my mental health but would never discuss this with me when I would ask. The answer I would get was because. This was said infront of a counseller and myself. He now claims he does not remember saying that (as per everything else he claims not to remember). This information broke my heart to the max.
I have been accuse of a mountain of things from having affairs to being rude to his mother. Both of us have been cheeted on in our previous relationship. I have given up all my friend as it got too hard when I would go out.
I feel exhausted, lonely and extremely sad. Most mornings I wake and tears start flowing. sometime they stop and other time they continue for most of the day. I put on a mask around others and my 17 year old.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this.
Hi @utopia, On Monday and Tuesday my husband and I had heated discusssions.With Mondays discussion, he told me that he does not remember saying thing to the conselor that we whent and saw. I told him that that is why I find it so hard to discuss things with him because he denies/forgets what he has said. On Tuesday he told me that he was going to seek help which is great. I was so angry from Mondays convesation that all I could do is pace whilst he was talking with me. On Thursday when i threw up after just two cups of tea it was then that I decided to join this forum. Whilst only a member for a couple of days, I totally realise what you are saying and yes the journey stingsto the max. This weekend will be tough as I have an in-law arriving for a few days. I have alot of dark bagage that I thought I had delt with until last time I saw my MHN. I have only been giving him the base line of my relationship problems and now realise there is more to the equatation that hurts. (example below)
I told my husband I was going shopping this morning for something to wear to my sons formal, with that he told my son that WE are going shopping. I feel as if I can't go anywhere with out being shaparoned. I just feel as if I want to run sometimes but know that that will solve nothing.
Trying to find myself again is very hard and painful at times. The authentic self if there somewhere and is very scared of what is happening right now. One step at a time as they say. I know the journey is hard but I am trying to stay positive.
Thankyou for your support and help. It is nice to know that a person is not alone even though they feel it.
In response to: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @Heart. Sorry if I'm butting in here. Advising someone not live in the past is similar to trying to explain depression/anxiety. I have been 'down' most of my life. I actually attempted to end my life, the pain was so overpowering. While you never forget the past, you reach a point in your recovery where you are able to put the hurtful memories in boxes in your brain. At first, even thinking about what you've suffered sends you into a tail-spin. You feel suffocated by the hurt. I found one 'out' for me was keeping a journal. I would write down when my brother phoned me. He abused me sexually for years, I loathed him. Guilt for how I felt I must have encouraged him, kept me from cutting contact. I started realizing (through therapy) it wasn't my fault. I never gave him or anyone else permission to hurt me. Then I started realizing I had to take back the power they had stolen. To accomplish this, I set myself a task. Every day, I would take 'time out', I would go somewhere peaceful, then I would scream, swear, punch a pillow/bed, something that didn't hurt me. I did this for as long as I could each day till slowly I started regaining my self respect. I also told myself I was better than those who hurt me because I never hurt anyone else. When we get hurt, physically or emotionally, our first thought is 'payback'. To pay someone back reduces us to their level of intelligence (do they think?). To not pay them back, but ignore and cut them out, hurts them more because in doing that, we regain our power over ourselves. Once you start doing this, the memory fades, because nothing is 'feeding it', or keeping it alive. As long as you let the pain from the memory hurt you, you are allowing the memory to overpower you. It's not easy, nothing worthwhile is, but in order to become 'free' and whole again, you need to free yourself from the pain. Eventually, you will be able to lock the pain and attached memory away. No, you won't forget, but the memory won't hurt you because your power won't let it. I might add here, my wonderful bf has been an absolute God-send in my recovery from a farcical, nightmare marriage. He helped me get the strength I needed to walk away from a mama's boy, chauvinistic FIL, narcissist MIL. The mama's boy was who I married. We had no connection as far as the marriage as he allowed his parents to abuse, insult, question everything I did or wanted to try. I left him last year, before me and my bf actually met properly. I had made the connection with my bf through another forum, he counselled me, then we connected as friends. Over time as I grew stronger, our friendship developed into where we are now.
In response to: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @utopia. Glad you enjoyed your movie. I'm not much of a movie 'buff' I get too tired. Sent him a photo of me in work gear yesterday. He knows I have the job, but I thought he might like to see what I look like in uniform. I did ask if he wanted another monkey to keep the one he's got, company. He told me his dog is enjoying the monkey immensely, I told him not to let the dog do everything. It feels so good enjoying laughing, joking with this guy. My ex's sense of humor used to make me question his sanity. I understand my bf's as it's similar to mine. My bf's name is Geoff. I am Lynda.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart & @pip. The journey is so worth it in the end. Gaining your own power back is just so .... empowering ... need another word (but my memory is gone today). Maybe @Heart - next time a situation like the shopping trip comes up - you can just say (nicely and calmly). Sorry hun, but I'm going shopping on my own. I just want to look at clothes on my own. Would you like us to do something special - the two of us tonight? You can only try. But this way it might be a win/win for you both. As I said to @pip earlier in her post - you have to be able to say what you want - what you need. Just say it calmly. So then - both of you know where you stand. Or maybe next time you ask a friend to come and telk him it's a girls only afternoon. But tonight will be just you and me. Give it a try and see what happens. When does the family arrive? Rather than fuss about preparing the house for their visit - you could focus on you. Try some calming breathing. There are great free aps on the internet for relaxation breathing techniques. Then, make sure you have a safe, alone space that you can escape to for 5 minutes or so - if things start getting hard. Go there. And breathe again. Simply focusing on your breathing. If the visit is harder than you can manage - take yourself off for a walk. On your own. Hubby and kids can entertain the visitors.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip. The same sense of humour makes relationships so much better. Yes, I see you have a cheeky sense of humour. A bit like me. Although mine could also be described as warped or black - depending on other people's opinions. My ex just didn't get my humour. And I don't think he had a funny bone at all. Oh well you live and you learn. Need to log off now and charge my phone before heading into the hills. Enjoy your day. And I bet bf was rapt to get that photo. Often the simplest of presents - become the most cherished.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. With your hubby, I'm wondering if he thinks by suggesting he accompany you everywhere is his way of supporting you? Men are inclined to think they're helping by accompanying, because of the 'breadwinner/head of the house' symbol a lot of them are taught in their growing up years. The way they think is, if we protect our families we are doing what we've been taught. I would therefore say something like, 'thank you, honey, but if I need you, I promise to call'. That way you won't be undermining him. My ex couldn't have cared less what I did. He could be concerned, also say, you're going to be bored if you come. Most men abhor shopping. Don't allow him to limit your time with your son, though. If he asks how long you're going to be away, just say, with shopping, who knows, but I'll be home before dark.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia & @pip, You will both be glad that I did end up shopping on my own. i did welcome him to join me but told him that I was not going to rush, that I wanted to take my time to look around. it was his decission to stay at home.
@pip, Yes I understand what you are saying that coming shopping with me may be his way of supporting me. I just needed to do this on my own to build my own confidence up again and have my own choice of clothing. I also needed to reassure myself that I was not going to have an anxiety attach whilst driving and shopping. Once I got to the shopping centre and pulled out my phone I read the email from yourself. OMG thanks for the waterfall of tears:) The information about your brother is what did it. That hit a raw nerve that I have not delt with yet. Not with my husband, friends, parents, family or MHN.
@utopia, I ran around on Thursday and cleaned the house as I was working on Friday, (didn't know what time in-law was arriving). The safe secure place is one I have claimed for myself over the last couple of weeks. This weekend it may be taken over but I have plenty of room to walk around and talk to the sheep. (Cupcake, Mudcake, Mr Waffles and Uggyboot).Yes, breathing is a meditation practice that I have been doing for a while, (still yet to master it but it does help.)
Between the two of you, you have managed to keep me grounded. And I thank you both for your help, advise and supportive words. It was at the beginnig of this week that I realise that I now have to take care of myself. The eating is still a problem because of the nauser but I will get there. I still feel numb and confused but realise that yes this all take time. Dealing with the trauma, hurt, emotions is the first step as you both have said. Tuesday's session with MHN will be a big one.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. I'm so sorry if my info concerning my brother hurt you in any way. He cannot hurt me anymore, please don't fret about that. To me, he is dead. I decided through my supportive, understanding, loving bf that wasting time hating him was destroying any chance I had of recovery. Anyone who continuously subjects their siblings to that abuse is not worth anything. He is not sick, he is nothing. If and when you decide to tell your hubby, and whoever else about your situation, explain first that what you are going to tell them is painful. Ask them for patience, let them know there will be tears, anger. Be honest. It took years to tell my ex. He wanted to meet him, we did, my ex (to give him credit) tried to put the truth behind so he would not judge him. I was not scared to re-connect, no reason to be scared. When we met, I saw a pathetic, overgrown, schoolboy who had nothing. He had totally lost all the power, I had grown and he hadn't.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@Heart. Well done on your solo shopping trip. You spoke to your husband well. How does it feel? Did you find an outfit for yourself?
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia@pip, It was a strange sence of calm, with my brick wall still in place. it was so nice to walk around the shops at my own pace and think of what I wanted in the way of an outfit. I tried on many. I did come home and show him and he was happy with what I had chosen. In law arrived this arvo. I am trying to socialize as much as possible but walk away when needed. Still breathing.
@pip, thank you for the encouragement. Approx 10 years agoe I found out that my brother had played up on his wife for the whole time the were together. He was then diagnosed as a sex addict (as I was told third hand). It was then that my suspisions for many a year had come to a head of what I thought he had done to me. My parents and I supported him and his wife through their seperation. 6 mths later we get the news that the are back together. (excuse my language). at the begining of this year, the A hole told my parent not to contact them and as for my self, the last time I heard from him was a quick phone call to say thankyou for the gift for his 4th child of which i have never met. That would have been 2-3 years ago. I was engaged to his wifes brother. I know what that family is like. He screwed around on me, he storked me and a heap of other things. He was such a lying son of a B that he turned the story around and everyone beleived him. Lower than a snakes belly.His brother did the same thing to his at the time gf. The three of them have the same trade so I guess it was part of their tafe course.
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