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Power relationship

HeartSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 11:00 am AEDT

Power relationship

Hello,

I am new to this so please bare with me. I have been married for 21 years and only now do I see part of why I suffer from mental illness. I feel my husband has ruled our relationship for years. From wanting to know where I am to how long I will be out to coming to work with me as he did not trust the person I was working for (I have my own cleaning business). I found out last year that the reason we have one child is that he made the decission not to have anymore children because of my mental health but would never discuss this with me when I would ask. The answer I would get was because. This was said infront of a counseller and myself. He now claims he does not remember saying that (as per everything else he claims not to remember). This information broke my heart to the max.

I have been accuse of a mountain of things from having affairs to being rude to his mother. Both of us have been cheeted on in our previous relationship. I have given up all my friend as it got too hard when I would go out.

I feel exhausted, lonely and extremely sad. Most mornings I wake and tears start flowing. sometime they stop and other time they continue for most of the day. I put on a mask around others and my 17 year old.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this.

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In response to: Power relationship

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 11:45 am AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@Heart - beautiful and emotional name you have chosen - I love it.
It sounds like you have just started to notice how controlling your husband is & how much you have lost during this time - another child - your friendships.
Do you have a psychologist that you see. If not, I'd recommend going to your gp and getting a referral to one who specialises in relationship issues.
I think it would be good for you and this psychologist to work together, sorting out exactly what has been happening in your relationship, how it's made you feel & then you can both look at what to do next - what you want to do about it.
Then maybe you can bring your husband to a session & be able to voice to him your concerns.
There are a few members on this forum who have also posted about relationship issues. Please have a look around and read some of these posts.
I'm sure you will also have members responding to your post here in the next day or two.
I wish you well.

In response to: Re: Power relationship

HeartSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 12:48 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

Hi utopia, I am seeing a Mental Helath Nurse at the moment. I have tried to voice my feeling to my husband for quite a few years now and I just seem to be told how I should be feeling and what I should be feeling. In the past I have said to him that all I feel like is a F and a Slave to him. We went to a relationship counsellor last year for three session. He then told me he didn't like her and wouldn't go back. I have got to the point of giving up on seeking help for us and trying to look after myelf which is very hard at the moment (as anyone suffering anxiety and depression can understand).

I have a session booked with my MHN next week.

Thank you for your guidence and I will keep watching for any feedback anyone can give me.

In response to: Re: Power relationship

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2016, 4:17 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

Hi @Heart welcome to the Forums and thanks for sharing. Twenty-one years of marriage is an amazing achievement, but after so many years interacting in a dysfunctional way it can be hard to change. I believe you can teach an old dog new tricks but it certainly does take commitment and effort from both people to witness a shift in those deeply ingrained dynamics.

It sounds like your partner is not really coming to the party to see this change come to fruition? In the meantime, it's good to hear you have taken it upon yourself to link in with a mental health nurse and are focusing on looking at yourself right now. Unfortunately you cannot control his choices, but you can still do what you can to help yourself. When a partner is dismissive of couple's counselling, it can be really ineffective. In your case it can be more helpful to work with a professional one-on-one by yourself at first to learn and explore more about how you're feeling, what you feel needs to change, set some goals for the future etc. Then down the track this might give you more confidence to be assertive during couples counselling to express how you're feeling, and set some guidelines together for the future.

Has the relationship always functioned in this way, or has it just developed over the last several years?

In response to: Power relationship

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 5:22 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@Heart. I'm glad to hear that you are looking after yourself - first.
I agree with @Former-Member that a therapist just for you may be the way to go.
Whether or not your husband chooses to participate in couples counseling at a later date - or whether he wants to participate and acknowledge that change is needed in your marriage - you still need someone to talk through your feelings and to gain some stronger sense of self.
I wish you all the best

In response to: Re: Power relationship

pipSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 5:38 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

Hey @Guys. Need a bit of clarification. I have a bf who lives interstate. He has never denied the bf/gf status, but insists our relationship is special and we share a 'bond'. I have a job which involves taking elderly and non-driving clients shopping, medical appointments etc. Another driver seems to have developed a bit of an interest in me. I feel he may be thinking of asking me to go out with him. I told my bf (not to cause jealousy, but because I want to be honest). I believe any relationship need total honesty to survive. My bf immediately advised I tread cautiously as this guy might have ulterior motives. I get the impression that even though bf has insisted frequently we are more special friends than bf/gf, he is not overly impressed at the thought of someone else showing an interest. He has written back that I should tread carefully, think a bit more about going out before actually going. If he was only a friend as he keeps insisting even though he doesn't deny the bf/gf status, surely the thought of me going out with someone else wouldn't bother him. Surely he would encourage my possible friendship with someone rather than think of me as being alone and possibly lonely. Slightly confused by this. I wish he (bf) would be as honest as me with how he feels about me. He knows I love him, he has said the same. I told him he always would take first priority over anyone else, but I do get lonely.

In response to: Power relationship

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 5:57 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@pip. Surely if he was your bf instead of a special friend - he would call himself your bf.
Can you not just ask him straight - will you be my bf - or if that ssounds a bit too juvenile - why not just be honest and say "I want you to be my bf- I want us to be a couple".
You need to know what sort of special friendship he is talking about and there is only one way to find out.
Bite the bullet and ask him.
Don't confuse the situation further by involving someone else. It's not fair to any of you.
And please let us know if special becomes bf

In response to: Re: Power relationship

pipSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 6:42 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

Hi @utopia. Well I've bitten the bullet, as suggested. I emailed and laid it on the line. He suffers with OCD and doesn't like the phone. He only uses it for emergencies. I have asked him straight out exactly where we are, if there is a relationship etc. I mentioned that each time I referred to him as a bf, he hasn't corrected me, so does that mean 'yes' or 'no'? I will let you know if I need a shoulder/tissues etc. I told him I'd rather he was honest even if it hurts.

In response to: Power relationship

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 7:01 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@pip. You said you have called him your bf - but does he call himself that? Does he acknowledge you as his gf? Became to him a relationship may already be what you have. Just maybe not a bf / gf relationship.
It's better to find out sooner rather than later.
And I'll be here with the tissues or the party poppers.

In response to: Re: Power relationship

pipSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 7:47 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@utopia. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have some clarification. Every time I have referred to him directly as a bf, he hasn't denied nor admitted. If it is just a special bond, I still need clarification. If that is the case, though, my original question of why the hesitation about the possibility of me seeing someone else occasionally caused the negative response? If someone is just a special friend, but no strings, whether they choose to go out with someone shouldn't really make any difference to the friendship. I have reiterated several times, I'm not seeking a permanent relationship. I actually have no desire for a permanent relationship, whether he and I are an 'item' or not, I would not be seeking to live with him anyway. he actually knows I have no desire to live with him, he is not interested in living with anyone either, so there are many pluses for us as a long distance bf/gf relationship. I get lonely for male company and the suggestion of seeing another guy for coffee/movie, general outing shouldn't have brought the reaction it did if there is no bf/gf relationship. Why are men so hard to 'read'? They claim they don't understand us, do they even understand each other?

In response to: Power relationship

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 8:26 pm AEDT

Re: Power relationship

@pip. Does he know exactly what you mean by a non permanent relationship? Does he understand those words the way you mean them?
And yes even just a friend would tell you to be careful if you are thinking of going on a date with someone you don't know well. I say it to my best friend and my son.

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