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I am new to this so please bare with me. I have been married for 21 years and only now do I see part of why I suffer from mental illness. I feel my husband has ruled our relationship for years. From wanting to know where I am to how long I will be out to coming to work with me as he did not trust the person I was working for (I have my own cleaning business). I found out last year that the reason we have one child is that he made the decission not to have anymore children because of my mental health but would never discuss this with me when I would ask. The answer I would get was because. This was said infront of a counseller and myself. He now claims he does not remember saying that (as per everything else he claims not to remember). This information broke my heart to the max.
I have been accuse of a mountain of things from having affairs to being rude to his mother. Both of us have been cheeted on in our previous relationship. I have given up all my friend as it got too hard when I would go out.
I feel exhausted, lonely and extremely sad. Most mornings I wake and tears start flowing. sometime they stop and other time they continue for most of the day. I put on a mask around others and my 17 year old.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this.
@pip. Yes he LOVES YOU. You are lovable. I'm so glad you finally asked straight out. You were frustrated about not knowing. I was frustrated and I don't even know your bf. I've just agreed to no alcohol for 12 months - as I was slipping back into using it as a crutch when anxious and emotional. Which pretty much means almost the past month. But even that is sorted out now through my psychologist. So have one for me. But make mine a special non alcoholic punch. Cheers to the happy couple.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia. Sorry, but you being frustrated without knowing either him or me sounded hilarious. I too am 'dry' after years of alcohol abuse, so I'll gladly join you in some non-alcoholic punch. It's actually only through my bf I am dry. He met me earlier this year and immediately 'picked up' on my alcohol problem. Through his guidance, (he is actually a counsellor on another forum, which is how I initially met him), I eventually admitted to the alcohol abuse and he started working with me. He actually guided me through some real heavy shit with my farcical marriage. My need to begin with was emotional, rather than 'love'. I never confused the emotional need with love, I was in love with my ex at the time. Correction, I 'thought' I was in love with my ex. Since then I have outgrown the emotional need, now I know I love him as him rather than need him for counselling. He helped me work through my problems with my ex, he was there all the way through my decision to leave my ex. Through his constant, never ending patience and support, I have grown into who I am today. I physically met him earlier this year and did feel a 'pull'. However I ignored this and just accepted him as a friend, nothing else. Over time, however, I noticed little things he would say. Then I didn't have contact due to work commitments. I found I missed our daily chats. I emailed him and was over the moon when he emailed back as a close friend rather than counsellor. Then we started flirting, I told him I loved him, he said the same, but never acknowledged the bf/gf relationship. He never denied, never asked me to refrain from the bf/gf feeling. He sent me clippings of family, told me things about his family. There were many ways, I suppose, that he did confirm the relationship status, but now he's finally said 'yes', I'm in Heaven.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip. That is a beautiful way to meet someone. Yes a counselor first. But then a friend. And then love. Absolutely perfect. So have you stepped out onto the street yet & yelled out "he loves me"? Such great news about you giving up alcohol. When I went to hospital earlier this year - for my SI - I gave up. 3 months. My counselor and I thought I would be ok with an occasional social drink - & I was for a while. But then started drinking at home on my own again. Not even needing to get 'pissed' - just wanted to not deal with my anxiety over my old friend. I'll beat it. I'm not going back. It so messes with my depression and doesn't stop my anxiety - just makes it worse. My psychologist is an ex drug and alcohol counselor. So he's a great fit.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @utopia. I thought I'd announce it on the media. T.v/radio/news of the world, that sort of thing. lol I could hire a 'town crier' but media speaks to more. With me, the alcohol numbed the emotional pain I was in over family history of continued abuse etc. I would drink to 'drunk' status. Stop for o/night, then go again. This would continue for two or three nights/days, then stop for however long, till the need for further alcohol, then away I'd go again. It's a vicious merry-go-round which bf saw, recognized due to his own battle with the booze. I too have started beating it, it's been nearly 7 months and I'm determined. I can't lose him, I can lose the drink.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Hi @Heart. How are you doing today? I just wanted to check in on you. I'm happy to chat anytime you'd like.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@pip. God you made me laugh. Hire the town crier. Some people don't watch much tv. 7 months. Well done. Love is worth way more than alcohol. Love is as precious as the richest gem.
In response to: Re: Power relationship
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
@utopia. This man of mine has done so much for me. He is responsible for my way out sense of humor. A neighbor of mine recently returned from an o/seas cruise. While she was on the cruise, the ship called into Singapore. Her and her daughter were booked on a tour of the zoo there, the tour is called 'Breakfast With the Gorilla's'. My ex and I did the same tour a couple of years ago, just before we parted. I did not know my now bf then. Anyway, after the breakfast, my neighbor and her daughter were strolling through the zoo, the daughter sat down to adjust her ipad. A small monkey dropped down on her head. The monkey did not attempt to harm her, although he did cover her eyes, presumably searching for peanuts (which she did not have). The daughter apparently came close to an involuntary bowel movement. I was telling my bf about this, he continued on the theme for quite some time, remarking he too wanted a monkey. He remarked he'd had some nasty weather, rain, wind etc and was concerned about power failures. He is rather paranoid about power failures as he has an electronic buzzer for alarm purposes. If he needs medical assistance (he has epilepsy) and he suffers a power failure, his alarm can't activate his phone which is connected to the alarm. I jokingly remarked I send a monkey, he buys a generator, teaches said monkey to ride a pushbike, which in turn powers the generator. This nonsense continued over the period of a week. I also suggested I send a 'monkey o' gram' to wish him a Merry Christmas. I mentioned his g'daughters would get a kick out of a 'monkey o' gram'. He replied 'ho, ho, ho.
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Sorry @pip. Went to movies with a friend to watch Embrace. If you haven't seen it - go. Absolutely life changing. You might need to buy him a monkey themed Christmas present this year. Have you visited the Beer Garden or Friday Night Feast to tell everyone your good news?
In response to: Re: Power relationship
HeartSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Good Morning @utopia. Sorry I worked all day yesterday and my head was done after a busy day. I am not only a cleaner I also work part time as a medical receptionist and have just finish a Cert 111 in Business Administration Medical. I have been following the conversation between you and @pip and I am very happy for clarification for what @pip has been going through. I agree that love is something that sould be shared more often and freely. But there is two types of love. You can love alot of people, close friends, work mates and geneal people in your life. Those that are there for you for general life things. When you marry someone, the couple should be In Love and willing to share and support each other through thick and thin. Awlso share the load and responsibilities that come with it, being able to converse and come to am agreement,allowing each other to be their authentic self with out judgement and shutting them down, considering each others dreams and wishes and supporting them on that and finding a way to carry them through those dreams and wishes.
I read that both you and @pip are off the drink. I was a social drink until I had my child. At 18mths he was diagnosed with a hole in the heart that he thankfully self repaired. As my husband drinks most nights I decided to stop as one of us had to drive if we needed to get my son to a hospital/doctor. I now may have 1/2 a drink a couple of night when we go away on our annual holiday but that is it.
I have to say how proud I am of both of you for giving up the drink. Please keep up the good work. I see rehabers come into work. While some are great success stories others are not and it is sad.
@utopia, you mentioned that your psychologist said to you not to live in the past. That may be great advise but when the past hurst you emotionally, physically and mentally, how are you surposed to get over that? Are you surpose to just forget every thing that has hurt you and become blank, numb, lifeless, and souless?
In response to: Power relationship
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Power relationship
Good morning @Heart. A tough question. I think initially you must work through your past. Your past traumas, hurts, joys, everything. But i think it's bedt to do it with a qualified therapist. Your past experiences have brought you to this place in life - right now. We learn through childhood or through relationships if something is safe to disclose - if we need to tread carefully around a family members moods. So yes - you first need to look back I think - before you can look forward. It is not a quick or a painless journey. But it can be rewarding. And for me - so worth it. Eventually - you may then be able to get to the point where you say - I'm done - the past can't touch me anymore. You may still be sad about what had occurred - but the sting isn't there anymore. Then you start discovering who you are. You start exploring parts of your personality. You try new things. You join new groups. And youlearn to love yyourself. In an ideal world - our nearest and dearest would be on a similar journey. But that doesn't often happen. So we who we are. We build ourselves up & then we become strong enough to know what to do next. What is best for us. Not our family (although our children must be thought of). Not our work mates or friends. But what is best for us.
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