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I dont know if any of you experience this with BPD or maybe its the PTSD that causes it. I find when I'm extremely stressed and someone starts to lecture me or yell at me etc I can feel like my brain shutting down and everthing becomes blah blah blah and I'm not really taking anything in and I just feel numb all over. My partner says I get this glazed look in my eye and its always at moments of high stress and he feels then there is no point talking to me as I wont remember it.
Is this just disassociation and how can you stop it from coming on? I understand its probably the brain's self defence mechanism protecting me from harms way but when I'm trying to move forward and stop these knee jerk reactions its hard. I know the PTSD has something to do with it as it comes from childhood, when ever there is yelling or stress its my instant reaction but I want to stop it - any ideas?
Is this the reason why my memory is bad as well? I can remember the most trivial things from years ago but ask me something about yesterday or last week I will struggle to remember. Everytime my partner and I watch a movie on TV I might say this would be good to watch and he would say but we just watched this weeks ago and you didnt like it and I will have no recollection of this at all. Its happened at work once or twice and even at the doctors.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Aww @PeppiPatty
You are so kind. Beautiful rose. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@Change123
I am so much like you. When my mum in particular used to treat me so bad, I would alwasy revert back to my inner child. And I think that part of me is still 'in that child mode' (if that makes sense) because i am so scared to see them again, to see my mum after all the abusive things she said to me. I cannot forgive her but at the same time i am so damn scared of her. how can a child be so scared of their own mum???
Boy, you must have really wanted to punch the daylights out of your dad. And it just shows doesn't it how much it really affects us, childhood abuse and trauma. After all these years it still affects us 😞
Thank you @Change123 for your support
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Hi @BlueBay & @Change123. I think also when our mothers abused us, the fear of non-respect may also have played in stopping us from retaliating. My mother had a female friend who gave me a small piece of china in the shape of a book. The verse read: to one who bears the sweetest name, and adds a lustre, to the same. Who shares my joy, and cheers when sad, the greatest friend I ever had. Long life to her, for there's no other, who can take the place of my dear mother. This woman instructed me to learn the verse (which as you can see, I did). Considering I am now 65 and was given this when I was about 10, 11, or 12, my memory isn't so bad. My point here is, the verse did nothing for me as far as my relationship with mum. She was never that type of mother to me. There are mother's who do fit that category, and I praise them heartily. For those who don't (and there are just as many). All I can say to the daughters who have been damaged/hurt by these women, learn from them how not to be a mother, be instead a 'mum'. A mother can be aloof, non-caring etc, but a 'mum' is love, warmth, and above all loves unconditionally. Mum can still be a mother, but the mother side is the unconditional nurturing, nurse, carer, taxi driver. The aloof, non-caring mother, still performs the above duties, but sees them as a duty. The mum performs the same duties, but the love, patience, never-ending emotional support is more obvious in the relationship between mum and child. As a result of the closeness between mum and child, the respect that exists both ways is also obvious.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Hi @BlueBay. Oh dear. You were up against it even before you got in your car to visit your parents that day. Your mum had already decided due possibly to your brothers intervention i.e, telling mum 'you're not right in the head', or worse, 'you have a screw loose'. Her blinding devotion to him would've prevented her from hearing the truth. The anger at you telling your sister, indicates, to me. Don't tell anyone, sweep it under the carpet. The saddest part here is the knowledge that if you had confided in mum initially, she may not have known how to deal with it, and possibly blamed you anyway, rather than admit that she should've protected you. I had a friend years ago who was sexually abused by her mothers' de-facto. She eventually plucked up courage and told her mum. Instead of supporting her, her mum immediately took her to a hypnotist. She simply refused to accept or believe that her de-facto was capable and instead chose to believe her daughter had either dreamt the whole thing, or was simply lying. I might add here, eventually the de-facto was given his marching orders when he started trying to touch the younger daughter. Your mother is unable to hug, kiss or show you any love because she simply isn't made that way. In your early years, she may have attempted to show affection, but from what you say, it's possible she was uncomfortable in this. She has chosen to lash out, place blame anywhere except the right place. My mum was exactly the same, she showered my brother with affection to the point where it was embarrassing. Your mum doesn't want to read your letter or hear you because deep down she is totally aware she failed you. She does not wish to acknowledge this because acknowledging something like this also means admitting to failing. My mum would change the subject whenever I tried to talk to her. This is because she couldn't or wouldn't admit where she had erred. It was easier to avoid the subject than admit her failure. Your mum's reaction the verbal abuse, the lashing out is the same reaction to the same failure to acknowledge her guilt. Please allow yourself to cry, crying will release that anger/hurt. Self harm will not make her love you, instead she will ignore. I love you for who you are and what you have confided. I do not judge, I pity her and feel sorry for your hurt. I promise you will heal but allow yourself to mourn your loss.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Change123Senior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@BlueBay
@pip is right, the last time I tried to speak to my mother about how she made me feel growing up and not protecting me against my father, she would not even listen just yelled down the phone. She is no way ready to accept any responsibility for her actions and lack of actions - to her she has done nothing wrong.
Sometimes I wonder are we scared to meet them again because we will realise in an "adult sense" that they are not the mothers we once thought of them (ie when young you dont think if they are wrong or right just that they are meant to protect you and when they dont you feel likes it our own fault) but facing them might actually show us who they really are and maybe we are scared to see the real them as an adult? I dont know just trying to self analyse why I would be so scared to see my mother again, I mean logically she is in her mid 70's cant cause me any physical harm, I know now that I'm an adult that I can walk away at any stage but that fear is so huge inside of me. Right now if I saw her in a shopping centre I would walk the other way to avoid confrontation but thats what got me in some of my messes was to avoid confrontation.
I also dont remember a lot of my early childhood, not sure if its because something happened when I was a child. I had my meds review last week which went really well and I talked to the pyschiatrist about this as well and he said maybe its better you dont remember but he also thinks that I used dissassociation from a very young age to escape the trauma around me. I have a few weird flashes about my childhood nothing like scary flashbacks but just images that dont make sense and smells. I also have issues with intimacy particularly with my mouth (kissing, oral and even others eating off my spoon etc) I had this from a very very young age including kissing relatives (quick peck on the cheek is fine but a quick peck on the lips I could never do). I am not sure what spurred this on and I'm not sure I want to know excxept that it still gives me huge problems now.
Like pip said sadgirl, I think the best we can do is feel very very sorry for them and remember we are the strong ones, we have not only endured their crap but have faced up to it to a certain degree, they dont even have the courage to do that.
Take care - thinking of you
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@Change123. I still believe (rightly or wrongly) that part of the reason we don't confront mother's is still tied in with the belief that we have to respect them because they're the mother. There is a passage in the bible that is part of the 10 commandments, it states quite categorically that we must 'honor thy father and mother'. This apparently also means no matter what they do or say, we don't have any right to question nor cross them. Their word is final and we (the children) have to accept that fact. I've heard many parents state: 'I'm the parent and I KNOW best'. While this broad statement is true as far as experiencing life's disappointments, understanding children's fear needs more than the 'I KNOW'. statement. A child may fear dark, why? The parent has no idea, they never had the same fear, so how can they just know. Often the child doesn't know either. A child may fear the 'boogeyman', logic tells adults, there is no boogeyman, so why the fear. Again, the parent doesn't know. Change your fear of being kissed on the lips. That's real, your parents don't know why, how could they, you don't know, parents can't read minds, how can they know all the answers. I used to adore Shirley Temple movies, once I became aware of sexual abuse, I stopped enjoying the movies. Perhaps some adult you trusted touched you when you were young and scared you. I agree sometimes not knowing can beneficial. Sometimes too it can work against us in relationship to spousal affection, which is normal. Sometimes the more we know, the worse the effect. We yearn to know, but often not knowing is better. The choice belongs to the grown-up individual. Change, I don't think you're scared of your mother, so much as what she represents, the adult you were supposed to respect, regardless. Does that make sense, or am I way off?
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Change123Senior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@pip
That could be right, yes I also grew up in the era that children were seen but not heard and lots of religion (not religious now) and parents you never questioned and had to respect. There was none of this EARNING respect they just expected and put on the parent guilt trip - my familys famous words "but he is your father" when ever I went to them for help - in other words doesnt matter how much hurt you feel you have to put up with it because he is your father or sister etc etc. So my feelings never mattered as I was just a child.
The thing with my lips I dont know like I said not sure if I want to venture into that one yet - worried it will make things worse but also would like to know so I know why I am like this.
Thanks
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@Change123. You are at a bit of a crossroad dilemma, wanting to know, but scared to know. Perhaps someone kissed you when you were little and they smelled of booze, cigarettes, b.o. When this happens, often the smell stays with you, but till you can identify the smell, the 'not wanting to kiss' sensation doesn't leave. Once you've identified where and why, you may decide to refrain kissing anyway. Is there someone in particular you felt afraid of as a child? This person may have inadvertently ordered a kiss. Often a distant relative or occasional visitor will demand a kiss, this can terrify a child who is unsure about the visitor.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Change123Senior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
I was always terrified of my father, he was always yelling and screaming and this crazed look he had in his eye terrified me. I think he may be had something to do with it but not sure. He was always very intrested in me sexually and I mean things like he took me to sex education classes at primary school and would ask inappropriate questions of a child walking back home, like tell me when you get your periods, have you explored yourself yet and this is to a child of 7 or 8. There are a lot of questionable things so I wonder if he did something to me at a very young age.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@Change123. I think you have just answered your own question re: kissing. There's a lot of inappropriate behaviour where your father was concerned. Asking about periods, exploring yourself, these are extremely inappropriate and totally unacceptable questions no father should ask a daughter. Even boys in this age group should not have this discussion. Did you ever mention this to your mum? I presume either you were too scared, or perhaps felt mum would've ignored, or you may have been punished for 'making up stories' about a loving father. Is it possible your father could have had some sort of MI that meant he couldn't control this urge? Many returned servicemen arrive home with unbelievable emotional scarring that caused horrific reactions. I remember years ago, a friends father had been a POW during the 2nd war. Because of the inhumane conditions the POW's were forced to live under, this poor guy developed a brain tumor. This tumor went undetected for years, he married a woman with low intelligence, they had two children. The first, a boy showed no sign of any sort of mental handicap. The girl, however was extremely mentally handicapped. The father frequently touched her inappropriately, and also often touched her friends. His wife was aware of his touching his daughter and managed to somehow keep him away. Eventually, he was caught and reported. He was jailed and a psychiatric report was complied where the tumor was finally discovered. During the operation to remove the tumor, the guy passed away. I'm not implying by this that your dad had any sort of MI. All I'm saying is, if there was some sort of underlying condition no-one was aware of, it could explain his behaviour. Often undetected MI causes inappropriate behavioural problems. Dementia too can cause inappropriate behaviour.
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