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I dont know if any of you experience this with BPD or maybe its the PTSD that causes it. I find when I'm extremely stressed and someone starts to lecture me or yell at me etc I can feel like my brain shutting down and everthing becomes blah blah blah and I'm not really taking anything in and I just feel numb all over. My partner says I get this glazed look in my eye and its always at moments of high stress and he feels then there is no point talking to me as I wont remember it.
Is this just disassociation and how can you stop it from coming on? I understand its probably the brain's self defence mechanism protecting me from harms way but when I'm trying to move forward and stop these knee jerk reactions its hard. I know the PTSD has something to do with it as it comes from childhood, when ever there is yelling or stress its my instant reaction but I want to stop it - any ideas?
Is this the reason why my memory is bad as well? I can remember the most trivial things from years ago but ask me something about yesterday or last week I will struggle to remember. Everytime my partner and I watch a movie on TV I might say this would be good to watch and he would say but we just watched this weeks ago and you didnt like it and I will have no recollection of this at all. Its happened at work once or twice and even at the doctors.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Change123Senior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@pip
Oh I'm pretty sure he had a mental illness - maybe PTSD and bipolar as he was in the war as well. He was a chronic alcoholic who would start his work day with a drink, he would argue about everything and anything just for the sake of it and sometimes would get physical. I dont think I did mention this to my mother but maybe I did. All I remember was that I kept myself isolated and we had lots of pets, dogs, cats, rabbits, birds, chickens etc so I would from a very young age either play with them during the day or go for bike rides - I was very solitary always wanted to be by myself. I even had imaginery friends that I would talk to etc. I have a memory which involves a smell from a baby and taste I keep thinking that for some reason I ate nappy rash cream - I just hope thats what it was!
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@Change123. You've probably hit the nail, bang on. My dad was also a chronic alcoholic. He didn't start the day with a drink, but by the time lunch was done, he would proceed to 'waste' himself. He was extremely verbally abusive, narcissistic. Used to threaten violence, but never followed through. My mother completely ignored the bull**** we were subjected to with the verbal, she would often laugh with him when he abused us. My dad had PTSD, severe PTSD actually. He'd seen his identical twin brother killed at the tender age of 7, then his first wife died in childbirth, along with his first-born twins. The he saw several mates killed in the war, so he certainly suffered PTSD. The alcohol was supposed to block or numb his pain, didn't work, obviously. I really feel sorry for him, but knowing what I know still didn't give him the right to treat us as he did. It doesn't matter what happens to us in life, nothing gives anyone the right to ill-treat or abuse another person.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
gypSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Hi Pip how did you find a therapist who is experienced with child abuse?
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@gyp. It took several visits to my Dr before he understood my problems. initially the Dr sent me to a therapist, who basically 'scoffed' when I told him about my brother. He informed me my body would've 'responded' to the 'stimuli' as sex is sex, regardless. I immediately returned to my Dr and informed him of this abuse. My Dr then 'googled' child abuse therapists and managed to locate one nearby. Dr's have the means to know what abuse victims need in the way of therapy. Child sex abuse victims need special therapy to help them understand and accept the abuse is not their fault. Dr's, once they're fully aware of the abuse and the long term implications to the child becoming an adult, are more adverse to finding the right therapist for the abuse in question. My Dr also sent a referral letter to the therapist informing him of my needs and this helped to 'open' the door. It did take time, but my Dr was amazing because he was prepared to 'go the distance' to help me.
In response to: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Unknown userMember
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
i had ptsd and experienced disassociation
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Hi @Former-Member. The disassociation usually is because when we experience intense sadness/depression, often it is so major our minds can't comprehend so we experience similar to an 'outer body' feeling. Many victims of attack experience similar feelings. The PTSD is extremely severe and when you have problems getting anyone to help you, you tend to almost try to ignore it and mentally walk away. Getting spouses or family to understand the PTSD is hard too because you could be out, seemingly enjoying a picnic, or enjoying a walk. Everything is hard for you because the PTSD is constant, nagging. Putting your finger on the actual reason for your 'shut down' or disassociation means you almost have to relive the fear you suffered. Returning war vets went through Hell because of PTSD. If you are at a point now where the PTSD is not running your life, obviously you are stronger. However if you still experience any sort of PTSD, don't hesitate to get a referral to a counselor/psych.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
BlueBaySenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
That is so true @pip. Finally after 5 years of therapy with one person I am now referred to a lady psychologist who deals with child abuse. I sort of feel 'ripped off' for all those years, but it was a journey I had to go on.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
@BlueBay. I totally get where you're coming from with feeling 'ripped off' by your therapist. Try to view that as a sort of 'training' for the real McCoy. After having a sort of therapy, it may have given you a view as to how intense therapy works. When we enter therapy for the very first time, we may have seen on t.v a version of therapy, that usually is total crap. We build up a 'picture' of an understanding, loving, devoted therapist who is 'there' 24/7. This is so far-fetched, our initial reaction is hurt, betrayal etc. Therapists are people who have personal lives. Most of them will give you an hour, maybe slightly longer. Some tend to clock-watch too which does nothing for the patient except make them think they're a wasted space. If you're dealing with a therapist who does not 'specialize' this will undermine your confidence and often you will walk away rather than try to talk. Some people persevere see their Dr and ask for another referral. I did and was grateful. I also 'logged on' to beyond blue where someone helped me see my marriage was a sham. The child abuse situation was not helped on beyond blue. They will guide you where to go for that kind of help, but you need a therapist who has experience with child abuse to help you understand why you feel the way you do. I now know it wasn't my fault, I no longer feel degraded, but I do have trouble trusting men. I think that is a form of PTSD. I deal with it by keeping them at arms length and I tend to be a bit suss of them. I would like to enjoy an outing with them, but distrust of them stops me.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Unknown userMember
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
thank you
I had buried all the verbal and violent experiences. Then I found that as much as I wanted to avoid violence it kept coming up around me. i moved away from town and met a lovely man who accepted me as me for the first time in my life, even my family did not get me. then one of his relatives,a female, when drunk, slapped my face very hard accusing me of saying something which i had not and i responded with that is not language i would use about anyone. Sides were taken, backstabbing began. all stuff which i usually manage to bypass. then my boss told me to go home one morning, i was very unwell, to go to a doctor. I did and was referred to a psychiatrist. I already had a long history of major depression which i was managing well. The psychiatrist said that the violent action of the slap across the face, for me, was a representatiion of all the previous violent acts i had incurred. My almost catatonic state was my way of safeguarding myself. i was off work for about 6 months. i worked through the stuff although i now have anxiety added to my cocktail of issues. My son has just been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and I had cancelled my psychiatrist appointment today because he asked for my help. The drive is over an hour each way using the freeway which unnerves me when i am not feeling well. i was ready to leave when my son started to repeatedly phone me asking me to bring things, then asking me to come later so that he could go back to bed to sleep. i told him that if he wanted my help I am only able to drive down there earlier in the day so i can return home in time to avoid peak hour traffic as i cant deal with that at the moment. Then he kept calling me back asking why i thought i had mental illness, what had caused it, did i give it to him, was it my fault, i should not take medication. then he referred to a book he had asked me to look after and do you think i could find it anywhere because by this stage i was in such a state. in the end my husband came in and said tell him you are having time out now and will look for the blasted book with his help later. no more calls. now my husband is angry and i just think the f.... merrygoround just does not stop spinning. son sent message re lost book " i probably wont talk to you for a long time as well if you dont find it because i will be extremely pi.... ed off that you know people you cant trust!!!??? also please dont come until you have found it and if you dont im filing a police report of theft of a law book, as that is what it is and i will be very pi..ed off it has been stolen,.,, and so will other good people... now whilst im whirling around on the f...ing merrygoround latest message "mum can you come now? its only a tuesday traffic wont be bad!!!!! have just sent message back too late now am going to lay down and meditate and recharge phone so no more messages today and i also have had to remake psychiatrist who has thankfully booked me in later this afternoon. ive just recd another message from son "ok but please dont mention me unless it is 100% positive" i am just so frightened i feel that he is becoming more unwell by the minute and feel that i am adding to his issues. so sorry to have to rant when so many of you are already going through so much. im just feeling hopeless because am struggling with my own stuff, trying not to listen to family telling me to ignore my son and my dr saying that he needs me. so i feel that i cant help anyone not even myself at the moment.
In response to: Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
pipSenior Contributor
Re: automatic shutdown or disassociation
Hi @Former-Member. I was similar to you in that I thought I had walked away from all the toxin in my life. Unfortunately, even though you had walked away, the unresolved anger you had, stayed with you. This anger makes you suspicious and you become wary even though you try to be friendly and get on, people for some reason will test you in various ways. Your bf's female relation may have been told something and suspected you told someone else something. However, a drunk is someone who can't be reasoned with, so any response would've been wrong there. The PTSD you seem to have is still very much 'alive' and needs to be addressed. Has your son definitely been diagnosed as suffering paranoid schizophrenia? Would it be possible for your psych to contact your sons treating psych and explain you are having therapy and cannot help your son atm. Your needs are important, and your son is being looked after. I think your hubby is frustrated because he can't take your emotional pain away and he is trying to support you. If you are taking AD's you need to continue for as long as necessary. The hopeless feeling is because you're a mother first and patient second. As a mother, we are not supposed to be human, we're supposed to 'be there' 24/7. When we're not, through illness unavoidable circumstances, our families fall apart because we are the 'rock' on which the family is founded. Take care of you, your son will be helped, let him get angry, let him tell you he's pissed off because (to him) you can't be trusted. He is sick and unaware of what he is saying. Just lately I've had my grown daughter lashing out at me, I've totally ignored her and visited when I could. She is receiving counseling, she is in hospital, she is safe. You are not a psych, your son needs professional help, if he has been diagnosed, chances are he will be receiving help. Tell him you love him and will see him as and when you can. don't take his frustration and anger on board. You know he doesn't know what he is saying. His illness is talking.
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