automatic shutdown or disassociation

@PeppiPatty
I hope I didn't make you angry. I don't want to hurt you by my comments. I am struggling inside big time. Xxoo

Dearest @BlueBay : Thankyou for being so strong to set me right. Then you apologised to me 🌷

But @PeppiPatty there was nothing to set you straight. I'm sorry I shouldn't have come on here. I'm sorry I wasn't angry with you. Xxoo

Hi @BlueBay. Of course at this stage the mere thought of even seeing these animals is terrifying for you. I would most definitely advise against it. Maybe, once you're comfortable with your therapist you could discuss it with her and see how you feel just discussing it. For now, sadgirl, no you need to feel stronger emotionally. You are extremely delicate and need protection. It took me years to get the emotional strength I needed to regain the power that had been taken. I was able eventually to abuse, insult and swear at my attacker, but it took years for me to overcome the fear that he would return to further abuse me. I am now at a point where, if I ever saw him, one of two things would happen. Either I would completely ignore him, or I would laugh in his face and tell him how much I pity him. You will eventually reach the same point, but for now work with your therapist, learn with guidance to regain your power. You are an extremely worthwhile, lovable, caring person who deserves to be loved in return. Work on the above credits I just gave you, concentrate on who I just described.

@BlueBay. Don't feel pressurized to do anything you're not comfortable with. You are incredibly fragile and should not be considering any sort of contact with these abusive people. I would say 45/50 could indicate high anxiety levels brought on by suggestions that facing/talking to the people who hurt you so traumatically will help 'fix' you. The only thing to focus on now is you and dealing with your anxiety. It never ceases to amaze me that supposedly 'educated' people often believe, that the sooner we face up to our demons and conquer them, miraculously everything will be hunky-dory. This could not be further from the truth. Depression over the thought of facing these people is overpowering you and scaring the Hell out of you. It's good you are able to cry to release some of the tension you live with. Depression often screws up thought patterns making us question everything about our lives. Have you tried to lash out physically to see if that helps? Bashing your pillow/bed, swearing at those who violated you. Are you keeping a journal, sometimes swearing does help. They are bastards, whatever you need to call them, call them. If swearing at the memory of what they did means releasing some of that hate, don't hold back out of fear or reprisal. You are angry, you have the right to be angry. How dare they steal your life, how dare they violate you. Don't be scared, be angry, you should be angry, I am for you. I don't know you, but I'm angry that you have been robbed. I was angry when I was robbed.

B***ge(not allowed to write the word) eating all day. Dissociated not good. <br>I did go for walk to the beach. So tired now <br>Not keeping journal my therapist said no because I write a lot of negative stuff. I am very angry. And now triggered by smell of cigarettes. (Wrote new thread on that) <br>My brother can u believe my brother was one of the 3 guys that sbused me. Never told anyone except hubby and now you guys on here. I want to run away now. Need an escape. It's all too much again.

@pip fogot to tag you.

@BlueBay. I can believe that about your brother, join the queue. My brother did similar. it sounds as though your brother was/is a smoker. Each time you smell smoke, it triggers the memory of your brother. I have problems with darkness/closed doors. I need a small night light, plus door open when I'm in bed. May I inquire if your other abusers were with your brother? If you don't want to say, that's fine. I'm so sorry for your intense pain, you've lived with this for so long it's getting harder to face. I'm hoping you connect with your therapist, you need to feel safe and secure. You're not alone, not ever. Ask your therapist to show you how to give the pain back to your abuser. I don't mean in person, there are ways through therapy that this is done. I was able to accomplish this with help and therapy. I have no pain, the memories don't hurt or control. I am 65 and 'free' for the first time in my life. I've been 'pain free' for about 3 years. It is hard, scary work, but the end result is amazing. Keep posting here as well as seeing your therapist.