Trying makes it worse

Hi @maddison @Former-Member @Appleblossom @tyme @TAB

I have been without internet, it comes and goes for like 2 minutes at a time. So relieved it's working now at least.

@maddison I dont think arrogant at all! I used to not like it when ppl said my trauma had taught me stuff, like it somehow cleansed me....but I think it's super healthy to honour how much uve learnt through being a carer.

Sometimes we miss the little wins.

I think overall I've been feeling deeply isolated since my dr said something about how my family will never get it.

I have a younger sister, she stopped speakkng to my Dad when she was 14. She's now 34,

So 20 years.

I found it weird that my dad not necessarily didn't seem upset by the split, but more that he didn't seem to even notice or care?

He just said if she needs something she'll ring, and never spoke about her again

My family is very broken and I feel like I came from nowhere, no roots, no history, it is a weird feeling. It seems to get triggered when ppl go away or when I myself travel.

Sorry to rant. Little bit lonely 😔.

@TAB wandering around kmart seeing chaos and empty shelves...not so fun!

No matter how promising an item seems in store it always tends to break or not live up to it at home! I bought little dishes to hold Candles today, none of them match but I wanted to try them all and see which I liked!!

@Appleblossom have u been busy doing nice things?

@Former-Member yes I am shocked why a dr would be so specifically not trauma informed? I thought all drs and people at least aim to be. I wander what that means for me, as a patient of his with a dx of treatment resistant complex ptsd. Very confusing indeed.

I love how ppl here like AHS! Lots of references to come!! I think I want to watch season 1 next, due to recommendations here.

Yeah same here re crap signal @EternalFlower lol

Hey @EternalFlower

Internet be like 😖

Yes for the little wins. I read something today that really resonated with me. A mother had posted on a Facebook group I am a member of. This group is for parents of children with CDKL5 (a rare genetic disorder) which my son has. She spoke about the difficulties but how much she had learned about herself, the world and the actions of others. It was really well written. People experiencing ongoing hardship are sometimes the most knowledgeable people. I have been amazed by everyone on the forums and what they bring. You are all have so much knowledge to offer the world and this is a great space to share it. Be proud @maddison and @EternalFlower.

So frustrating @TAB @Former-Member it signs me out frequently!

I think we do deserve to be proud of our wins and empathy

I do think it's hard to do.

Thanks so much for sharing RE Ur inspiring peer in the fb group. @Former-Member

We are in a community @EternalFlower, as I said we can all learn so much from each other ❤️

About to log off for the night, sleep tight @EternalFlower @and @TAB

Sorry, it has taken so @maddison, ended up being a bit of a busy night for me. Here are some of my monsters, and now I’m looking at them, I can definitely see where I was at the time when I drew them.

@maddison

Interesting artwork (edit: @Former-Member sorry I got it wrong @EternalFlower it was not your post. My brain was totally scrambled.)

@EternalFlower @maddison @TAB

Finally home 3 hours each way but lovely day, sun and downpour. The rain made a dreadful racket but stopped as we performed so that was great, as I could not sing over it. I think people were pleased. Saw people not seen for a while, and met a new nice couple, who drove us most of the way. It was a beautiful spot.

Good seeing you all chatting. I dont have much to add re tv shows, and am utterly pooped so will log off.

Cheers Apple

Oh these are phenomenal @Former-Member thankyou for sharing. The first one has a cute quality, maybe it's the big eyes. The second one is my personal favourite. They are not the monsters that I was imagining at all. I was thinking of evil monsters, these look more misunderstood! Imo. Granted you may have chosen 'sane appropriate' pictures😉 I love them. Esp. That 2nd one. I feel like I can connect to the bloated, deformed face & the hands in the eye is genius. Please share more anytime you want! You have an interested fan here 💜

I have audio/tactile synethisia. Long title that means some/many sounds create physical sensations in my body. Usually, they are bad & uncomfortable. Eg. Metal chair legs scraping across a floor will make my torso feel hollow. There are visuals that accompany the sensation at times. Eg. An old rusty shovel etc etc. Anyway, your drawings are familiar to me in that way. The 2nd drawing, makes me think of cabbage?! Haha Hopefully, I'm almost making sense!

Thankyou again for your kind words. Once again, you & @EternalFlower have given me confidence where I was feeling the total opposite. (Re: arrogant) it's nice that I feel like I'm understood. I can get VERY self conscious. Or be satisfied & confident....ebbs & flows🌖

Thankyou for sharing your son's diagnosis with us. I know very little about CDKL5. It is really a very serious condition. I would not know how to interact with you properly. I feel so ignorant. I don't feel want to say sorry, or that must difficult - thankyou for trusting us, & being open & sharing. I would like to hear more about him, & what he's like. I don't have any kids (except the 4 legged kind) children are amazing!

I am needing to charge my phone... It's beeping at me with an unnecessary angry tone - the microwave is similar😊

Started watching ahs S11 last night @EternalFlower 😬

I will write more later today xx

I

Hey... again @EternalFlower

I tried to do more art more, tho it seems I've bought the wrong paper this time! It's thick like canvas & the colours won't blend properly. Art is stressful & complicated. I have given up for today.

Yes I know what you mean about saying that past traumas have made us better in a way. I was particularly trying to choose my words carefully in that post - I was also having one of my spaced out moments & not as coherent as usual - but yes, I don't like that either. There are things in life that are simply too bad. There is no pleasant payoff or silver lining, & it feels insulting to suggest that there is. Besides that, it's insulting to suggest that one needs to experience trauma in order to 'grow.' Humans can grow from love & kindness & good experiences, not the other way 'round.

Maybe, rather than seeing a 'silver lining' (which is a truly disgusting interpretation) my mind is attempting to choose the "least worst option" again??

I have sympathy & empathy & compassion for pain that I can understand? I actually find it very difficult to relate to people who don't express sadness! Maybe, why I am seen as weird or an outcast in very socially upbeat situations. I find small talk, & surface level relationships challenging. I think this makes the other person feel uncomfortable around me.

It could also simply be my personality. I was always on the quieter side as a child & shy I guess, until I felt comfortable.

All those factors, might make me someone that is kind of hard to get to know? I'm finding that I'm learning how to interact with people through these forums somewhat.

Ok. Will write more soon.