Trying makes it worse

Hey @TAB @Appleblossom @maddison

No worries @TAB happy to hear how Ur doing any time

@Appleblossom that sounds nice watching Ur son and his child interact. Is it ok for me to say, u sound like a dedicated parent and grandparent? It seems a beautiful thing.

What did u end up watching? I'm watching a show called RUN by the same women who created Fleabag. It has a sort of cringey quality to it. I also watched this show called the "Rehersal" , not sure if anyone heard of it?

No judgement here re reality TV @maddison , I've been sort of craving it lately. The housewives, particularly. RHNJ to be precise, there was a wedding for one of the housewives...!

It's a bit intense but I drove past my parents place on Friday and it was sad. They live in a very chaotic way, mess, hoarding. The mess had spilled out onto the porch. For some reason it made me sad.

I had been talking with my psych about how they live and also how they seem to blame me with no awareness for their own reality.

Eg they said I'm bad with money ...which sounds fair, but then they live in a weird hoarder mentality where nothing can be thrown out. So much so it's actually making them sick. Yet they cannot see this, but hyoerfocus on perceived faults and issues with me. I have no doubt they would blame me for their home being a mess, if I had like one cup left there. They'd say it was me who made them hoarders! It's a sickness.

I would like to move because I don't want them to know where I live...so I can sort of restart in a way.

Hey @EternalFlower your appreciation is happily accepted! It's kind of you to mention things like that. Not everyone does! It's ok. I generally try not to expect gratitude. It's still a lovely thing when expressed..It puts more petrol in the tank! So yeh, thanks heaps for saying thanks. You have helped me out in the past too, more than you know. I was having a bad night months ago, after being dismissed by medical team when my housemate was unwell. You told me, "my words are important'. It made a big difference.

It wasn't only that one night that I felt unheard, & helpless.... It was all the months, years... Times in the past where I knew he needed professional help & I couldn't get anyone to listen.

Maybe if I hadn't vented on SANE that night - & then read the messages of support from (almost) total strangers, then I would have felt so much more defeated. It didn't solve the problem. Some problems, are, in a way 'unsolvable.' It helped me to know, that I was 'right' (& alright)- rather than falling for the "suggestion that I was overreacting' (by those with more authority than me) likely implied as a means to distract from inept funding & services.

I guess, it could be described as a form of 'victim blaming.' I think that is the wrong phrase - sometimes when people advocate, or become assertive, there seems to be this unfortunate, subtle response by authorities to project that I am diminutive, or "downplay" situations, or concerns. It might even be an ego thing?

If I didn't have yours & others support, I would have accepted it. I would have told myself, that they are professionals & know best. I can be quite trusting & naive esp. with people in respected positions i.e healthcare. (I don't want to change that about me, however it can have it's downsides) I would have convinced myself that 'my words were not important.'

You have helped me heaps in other ways too! It's just nice to know, that there is another person in this world who I can write to, seems to get me, & I think we share some similarities. My life is super lonely as well. It's not about finding people - it's about finding the right people. That can be really hard!

I know exactly what you are describing about trying to write when feeling wobbly. It takes me so long to get a simple sentence out. You did really well! Don't forget to call any of the crisis numbers, if you feel like talking to someone. Or maybe you can try your ice cold water exercise, if you feel like you need it? I might check in later tonight, if not - very likely tomorrow.

Hopefully, that wasn't all too intense. I am worrier! I can't help it! I'm like a naturally, overprotective nurturer. It can be annoying..haha..

..Or, maybe it is that I'm a Warrior?..hmm..

Hope you are ok tonight & feel lots better very soon xx

Calm & joy

Thanks @EternalFlower

Oh, I didn't know you posted again @EternalFlower It was while I was writing to you!

Quickly need to say - yes, I watched RUN, so cringey ha ha. Stopped after 1st ep. Good idea for story - I couldn't 😄

Haha..nope def. Not only you. Funny I thought the same thing. I had this what am I watching vibe, is it me? I looked it up on Google to get some clarification - others on IMDb agreed.

I was watching the Rehearsal too! At first I thought, no I don't like this- it's going too far & had a mean, patronising way of treating the contestant. By the end I was impressed. More intelligent & thoughtful than most comedy in similar genres. Unfortunately, my box didn't record & I missed around 3 EPS, when it was getting really good - he was living with a lady who wanted to rehearse motherhood. Omg - the potential bf she invites over!! You will know, if not already up to it.

Thanks for sharing about your parents & your feelings. I admire & acknowledge that is brave to talk about. I could relate very much, in your description of the blame directed at you. I believe, it is an illness - that unwillingness to take responsibility for their part. Anyway, I could talk/write all night about that subject. I'm actually going through the same concepts with my family right now. So far, it appears that I am the only one who can see it. I have to accept that too. Each of us get to choose our own way to see.

Night🌛⭐

@EternalFlower

Most families are COMPLICATED.

I did and do my best, thank you for noticing, but there also are lots of issues in my family.

I understand why you want space and distance from yours. Hoarders can be difficult in many ways and the projection and blame of you, are a heavy load.

I ended up watching an Irish tv series called "The Dry". Lots of issues in that family too lol, but it is good for me to laugh about stuff.

@maddison Your sharing was beautiful. Words can be so important.

Thank you both for your company.

Beautifully said @Appleblossom @maddison

Families are complicated. The scary thing about hoarding is...it's infinite...that's why I got upset...the poarch had now been full of junk, another surface...deface in a way. There were chairs on top of each other, upside down, weird pieces of gate, things that shouldn't be there...it's all sad in a way I can't describe. And now they can't use the porach (which has happened to all vacant spaces.)

LOL the rehearsal, @maddison I was watching that one as u typed, with Angela and her love interest. I think that got me hooked. Angela is very camera-ready and entertaining. I know what u mean about the ethics part, it is a funny show and hard to understand his motives.

@Appleblossom the dry looks amazing, I'm happy u found something nice and humorous and fun.

Medication has been affecting me funny over the weekend, I've been not sleeping well, and have emailed my dr this weekend over it, I added a bit of dramatic words so he will see it and call me back LOL. Something I have learnt in my years in the system. To say I'm struggling and not downplay it, so I get the care I need.

This is a reminder for myself as I write it. Agree and understand @maddison how easy it is to silence and doubt ourselves sometimes.

@EternalFlower

I have an in law with a hoarding problem. (edited)

The good thing about my self care, is that I am planning good entertainment and a small holiday. For a long time I did not think I was worthy. Could not laugh as there was so much sadness, but now I know I have a sense of humour and can enjoy escapist tv shows.

Not sure what you should do, in your situation. Only YOU really know the ins and outs of your own family. We can get some ideas by looking around at other people, but in the end. We are all individual and no 2 families are the exactly the same. Sounds like you are working on safety, self care, creativity and boundaries and that is all probably necessary.

Hi all, how was Ur start to the week? I hope @TAB @maddison @Appleblossom all is ok.

I think the blaming me is the hard part. It isn't a fair interaction if all is my fault, always. They are so cruel and fault finding, have never said a kind word or compliment my whole life, it seems their attitude was to stop me ever getting comfortable or secure

Internally the message I got was : I don't deserve. Whatever it is, I don't deserve.

They are abusive in a lot of ways, use threats and put downs to get my attention, manipulative. I could never be enough. I just knew, looking at their recent mess, if I even set foot in their house once in the last year they'd decide it was my fault and I was rhe messy one.

I think that is a fair question re Ur nephew and niece...and whatever u decide, from Ur power and self respect, is ok. Not sure if u relate @Appleblossom but I have a lot of guilt around family stuff. Society seems to prescribe we relate to relatives in a certain way.

My psych responded, and gave advice for me re my medications. I'm going off him at the moment, very up and down.

Hate how he looks at his fancy smart watch 3 times per session. To respond to messages or check the time. Really not professional.

I am hoping I get better sleep with new med changes.

How is the Dry @Appleblossom ? Any good new shows @maddison ?

I am watching RUN, it is so stupid, I just want to finish it.

I'm wandering if use seen shrill on sbs? Enjoyed that one.

How was back to work, @TAB are u ok?

Sending a star and a moon to all x ✨ ❤