Trying makes it worse

Hey @EternalFlower

I have an uncle who loved getting people into drugs and sex and was working on helplines. I had trusted him when I was a teen as he was one of the more educated in my family and a teacher with a masters. However reflection showed me he was pretty immature and it put me off taking helplines seriously. I worked on a different helpline for a while in my teens too. There are trainings and opinions and lots of people saying what they think is true. In the end I tend to be philosophical about it all. When I reflect on most of how professionals have treated me when I reach out to them in my full vulnerability it has been variable and some really have done the wrong thing. That is why I focus on you building up your inner resources rather than the reaching out.

A consideration about that uncle was that he had dealt with violence growing up in the US and the family culture here was a bit stoic and religious and he was trying to be fun and positive... oh ... there are always contexts. What is truly right and wrong haas never been simple for me ...

Dissociation is possibly a better word for the separation from embodied self that can occur when we self harm. Psychosis is a loaded word. I think of it as an inflamed and overwhelmed mind, but it has had a lot of bad press.

Hi @TAB you're right I can be pretty difficult at times

The dr wasn't wrong I treated him like shit and pushed his buttons leading Hun to dump me which is hard to live with as she was right in fact

Hi @Appleblossom I quite like some hotlines (sane and lifeline) but ur right sometimes the opinions are loaded or the bias. It's hard with health type people when they use their judgements

I just felt since I don't experience psychosis it felt odd but I guess words matter and getting stuck on them can be qbout the loadedness.

I feel fair bit better.

Was talking about my dr like a husband or boyfriend who broke my heart but therapy does sometimes carry a weight

He was one of the first people to believe in me

Hi all

I'm settling into my new home

Grateful

Alive

One breath.

Two.

Remembering

Forgetting

Coating each memory

With blood and glue.

I'm here

It took forever

He emptied my soul

I rebuild

Grateful

Settling

One breath

Two.

@tonys

Good to hear from you @EternalFlower

Glad you are unburdening about it, and getting some relief.

We had chicken and lentil Burritos tonight.

Hi @Appleblossom @tonys @hanami @tonys @Meowmy @TAB @Former-Member @tyme

Thanks for being with me

For listening !!

That sounds so good @Appleblossom what does your son like to eat? Love the meals you guys have, so yum and healthy

Today I just ate two mangoes and some m and ms....and a watermelon juice 😋

I feel so much better and landed into acceptance of what happened.

I was so regretful for the first two weeks and shocked that I'd been suddenly in this situation, which felt like I deserved it and like it had some significance

My gp says it's not a conclusion just a symptom to feel suicidal and I really believe that

It's not about the event or the trauma it's just in my opinion a symptom of depression and dark thoughts

I am so hungry after my lack of meals , my house is so chaotic after the move and I don't have energy for any of it, not unpacking nor organising nor cooking nor even sorting it out.

My worker from the ndis came today and i fired her which was quite an ugly scene

I spoke to my gp and he'll check in again in two days

He tells me to keep going and protest the bad thoughts so I keep moving forward and moving on

Easier said than done when very depressed and feeling grief

glad you have a decent gp @EternalFlower

What happened with worker? Are you finding a way to set some standards for yourself.

I have spt co-ordinator coming out tmrw.

I started talking about meals early on when I first joined forum. Better than only meds talk ... I think it grounds me a bit, and normalises things. I am a naughty mum and always manage to squeeze in an extra bit of green or legume. My son is used to it. The least I can do atm is positively influence his palate. I really enjoy meal prep lately. Finally believe I am a girrrrl! I was always too busy when he was little. For you, give yourself a break, cos of the move, but get into it soon. It gives a steady thread to productive healthy creative living.

Thankyou so much for your beautiful, and powerful words @EternalFlower . I'm going to get the Rn to print it for me in the morning.

Now I can finally go back to bed with a warm little smile of contentment.

You completed my day. tonys