Hello @EternalFlower
I believe that you might be out of hospital now...
I am not sure..
My head is not being kind to me at the moment..
Best way for me to respond gently as I so want to do for you not because you are not a strong person; moreso because you have to very much to contend with.
Hospitals are very difficult places even when they offer some help.
So copied and pasted your message to me:
He said i was getting better because even though im scared to challenge him, i do so, and also i can articulate myself....the feelings aren't so big that i cant name them. I engage with, name and know how i feel.
Unfortunately that was a very triggering session though. I hipe u were ok post rupture in ur session. It does need repairing. Where did you find your courage to speak, perhaps something has changed or u know urself well. You sound truthful and like u have had a journey but u have really learnt through it.
Im sorry i havent replied... i have not been so well here
Wow, the first paragraph confirms what I already sensed. You have strong insight that is growing more and more with every difficult experience that you endure.
Some people never find that insight. Be proud of where you are now when you are in a gentler, calmer mindset.
The triggering part I understand also. That is the strength of pushing through all of the internal barriers, brick walls that you have built from fear, flight, fight, survive mode over the years.
They are still going up and down now as you traverse this chapter in your life that leads you to go in and out of hospital.
Another very brave step as hospital is hard. It is not running away or falling apart as some imagine. It is recognising when to accept help. Help is on offer in hospital. Sadly in different forms, shapes and sizes and comes with other addendums on occasions. That part is out of your control.
The important part is you recognise when to go in. You are astute enough to know when to reach out for help to best help yourself. You leave when you know it no longer works. Again great insight, strength.
The relaying this and everything else that you need to say to your doctor all takes its toll and can easily be thought of as not helping.
Every effort you make helps you.
Your doctor has noticed and recognised this. That is why I say, hang onto him even when he cannot be there. He is listening to you. He is helping you within his limitations.
This is actually helping you more than sending you off to someone else where you have to start over and chances are that person will not hear you. Depleting.
You have intrigued your doctor as he recognises that you are doing all of this hard work yourself.
Standing up to him, now that is where your courage, determination, conviction come into force.
Is this hard. My goodness incredibly. You used the term rupture. So very apt. It tears at our very beings (plural tying in with my own experiences hopefully to better explain).
We sense from our insight that no matter how hard as we have to face all of our internal chat telling us that we might be seen as weak and so on and so on.
We battle on.
Yes we feel worse after.
The voice comes from deep within us. It is a part of us at different stages of our struggles that has been silenced by others, silenced by ourselves.
How long does the repairing take.
That one is an ongoing experience, different for each of us.
It is not easy, it will fluctuate in intensity.
We will have fleeting moments of feeling a shift within us.
Very deep
I do worry when I open up like this
Let me know if too much
I must go I am in trouble...running late
extended family gathering that I do not usually enjoy but attend for husband.
Occasionally I surprise myself and when I can just be me chatter away laugh without even noticing what others think. I am free.
Wherever you are, take time out of your mind this goes hand in hand with the standing up for yourself, in and out of hospital trips, survival..
nature is always there for you beautiful flower
find your flowers today
they are waiting for you
speak again when I can
Sophia1
