Warning: Not sure, but perhaps potential triggers as I do mention suicidal ideation.
Hello.
I'm here because, to be candid with you, I'm desperate. Not that I'm imminent danger, so please do not be concerned, it is because I'm fighting numerous battles without support. I'm as alone as one can be.
The doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counsellors I’ve seen have been of little help. Some of them did more harm than good. Finding life on mars may be hard, but it’s nothing compared to finding a good mental health practitioner. I don't know what you have experienced, but I find that none of them take me seriously. It's as if the only way to convince them you are genuinely on the ropes, so to speak, is to do something drastic. The best I've gotten from any of them, amounts to the same as being given a water pistol and then told to go fight a forest fire.
I’ve tried EMDR, Trans Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and of course medications. Nothing worked or works. Treatment resistant, that’s me apparently. You kind of know you’re not wanted when Life Line actually hangs up on you. Twice! So, I’m seeing a psychiatrist in October to discuss ECT. Last ditch attempt to stay alive, although some might wonder why I’m bothering. Well, there are things I still want to do if I can just get ‘well’.
My challenges include ADHD, Bipolar 2, CPTSD, severe depression, suicidal ideation, prolonged grief disorder, chronic insomnia and hyposomnia, a form of dyslexia, and chronic fatigue. Oh woe is me. No, I get it. We all have our trials and tribulations. But suffering is relative and therefore even though different in nature it can be equal in result.
Regarding the ideation, I read somewhere once that if you can go three days without acting, the feeling will often have changed by then. So, I made the rule that if I want to end things, I have to wait five days. If I still feel the same way on the fifth day then I am free to start preparations. It’s worked thus far closest I’ve gotten is two days out.
Something goes wrong for me in most interactions with people. It's always either strongly negative or positive. For example, my line manager despises me but my students love me. Naturally I avoid people, especially large groups in social situations. Hence, it has taken me a long time to decide risking joining this forum even though it is virtual interaction. I full well expect to get it wrong, write too much or the wrong things.
With that in mind, apparently, I'm supposed to share a few fun facts about me. Okay. I'm in my early sixties. Thanks to my conditions, undiagnosed at the time, I had no idea what to do after leaving High School in Grade 10. As a result, I've had 33 different jobs including sales, taxi driver, climbing tree cutter specialising in palm trees, actor, pastor, editor, and composite warehouse packer. My 'interests' are kayak fishing, metal detecting, and technical tree climbing.
If I get through this current struggle my long-term goal is to undertake a three year self-funded archaeological survey of Malta and its sister islands. There are many myths associated with these islands, and I would like to settle once and for all as many of them as I can, writing a book in the process. This will involve walking all accessible ground, using thermal imaging and a two box metal detector, in search of undiscovered caves, tombs and tunnels. I'll also need to explore some of the known caves, but this will be my first time caving so I have a lot to learn. But at times it seems more like a pipe dream that I’ll ever be able to get there.
I teach in an international school, specialising in IELTS, which is a test required to obtain visas. Beyond that, I conduct original research and design experiments concerning how to enable the acquisition of another language. Modesty aside, I’ve enjoyed a lot of success being able to develop innovative and unique methods that are making an enormous difference in my students’ progress.
Now they are comprehending things that have eluded them for years, and they are achieving unparalleled improvements in their scores. To give you an idea of what I mean, the industry standard is that a student in an intensive IELTS course should advance by half a band in each skill, after 12 weeks. My students’ increases range from half a band to three full bands in 4 weeks.
When I am in the classroom, I am so focused on what I’m doing that nothing else bothers me. About fifteen minutes after my students leave, the depression returns. You can imagine how important this interaction with them is for me. It is no exaggeration that they have helped me stay alive for the past eight or so years. The problem has always been the school. Persecution rather than recognition. Rejection as opposed to acceptance. It has always been a toxic work environment but endurable until the new Head of English joined us. He is a problem for everyone, but it is me who bears the brunt of his bullying.
It got so bad that I had to take Long Service Leave. That’s supposed to end this week, with my return expected on the 29th of September. Can’t do it. While I wait for the union to talk with my employer, I’ve informed them that I will need to take at least an additional two weeks – unpaid as language schools are allowed to class us as casuals even though we work regular hours.
Today I had the most ludicrous and frustrating conversation with my union representative. I used to be a union man, my father and his father were union men. But those unions don’t exist anymore, the ones who would fight for your rights. My union representative seems more interested in keeping my employer happy. That was a very depressing call. He obviously has not properly read the documents I sent, because he thinks he can negotiate a better working environment for me. Good luck with that. I sincerely doubt I’ll be going back.
I confess that I am afraid. If not for the depression, I'd be hustling just as I used to do, but I have nothing left. I'm done. So I fear ending up on the streets because I can no longer meet my financial requirements. I'm down, not out, but the count is almost done and I still can't find a way to get back on my feet. The energy required to start again, the motivation to do so, is severely lacking.
I was the carer for my mum and after she died my world went with her. That was about eight years ago and my life has slowly but surely spiralled down towards the abyss ever since. For a time I will rally, but then when I slip into another depression the ideation is that much stronger. There are other options I could take regarding income, but I feel unable to act pinned down as I am by this intense gravity that my depression generates.
Over the last two months I have left my house three times. It’s hard to convince myself to go anywhere. I’ll think the night before that I’m going to go out and do something, but then the next day I delay until it’s too late. The only thing that gets me out is something like the aforementioned doctor’s appointment. If I could stay home all the time I would. I'm very close to giving up, but will give the ECT a try first.
It’s so tiring being the one in the wrong all the time, never quite good enough, treated differently to those around you, constantly gaslit and having to deal with passive aggressive people left, right and centre. The worst of it though is the loneliness. That’s my reason for joining and sharing this, just to be heard. Beyond that I don’t expect anything else. I’ve arrived at the understanding that I am beyond help, frankly my personality is too fractured to be healed.
I am not someone who only takes. Where I can I will give. But I must confess that I don’t know what I can give right now except my honesty. Perhaps for some, hearing their pain and struggles echoed in the words of another might being some comfort, I hope so.
Thank you for your time spent reading this.
