Hello @Historylover
I arrived home this afternoon and was able to give some basic responses to a number of members before lying down. I was really feeling quite unwell. It is now 8.45 pm. I feel somewhat better than I did earlier this afternoon.
I have had three fusion and laminectomy operations on my back, which has meant that I have been able to stay independently mobile, though I walk with a staff for short distances, and two if I am walking any where longer than the car to the house. I experience constant pain in my back and sometimes I experience it at such a level as to cause me to feel as unwell as I felt this afternoon. A couple of tablets and some rest is usually sufficient for me to come back to functional level again.
This is not said to foster sympathy, but simply an explanation of where I am at.
I am pleased that you have had contact with a number of people, since we spoke last night. Different perspectives, such as we receive on the forums, can allow us to view our position from a variety of angles. That is how I have found the interactions with others here for me.
I, like you, have very little nurturing or support from different people, close by. I have a very close and long standing friendship with a person who lives about an hour and a half from me. We catch up about once a month or thereabouts. I also have a cousin, who lives in Qld, with whom I have occasional phone contact. My brother and I live very different lives, and have equally different views on most issues, that means that we have little, or any meaningful contact, particularly since our mother passed away two years ago. I have a daughter, whose contact with me has been more meaningful since my mother passed away. Her immediate, other family contacts, means that we only rarely have a weekend together a couple of times a year.
I am fortunate that I live in a small farming town and community. I have sufficient pleasant contact with other people here, in shopping and other activities, such as singing group twice a week, and occasional church activities, for me not to feel totally alone. As you say, it is very difficult to survive if there is no meaningful contact with others in our lives. However, I can certainly identify with the feeling of isolation and possible, or imminent threat, that others pose in our lives. To some degree, I would say that my own isolation may be, in part, self imposed, as a reaction to life events and the ever present fear of feeling hurt again.
I am also becoming more and more aware of the increasing limitations of age and physically imposed reductions in capacity. In all though, I can understand your observation about surviving in solitude. All these collected issues contribute to a significant feeling of loneliness.
I think that I have stopped trying to understand people who, I believe, have contributed to the negative feelings that I have about life and circumstance. If that is their “method of operation”, it is, and they are, what I want to have as little to do with as possible. At present, I feel that the best thing that I can do is to disencumber my life, in terms of possessions, as far as possible, and live as simply as I can.
I can also, very much identify with the break-down of marriage issues, and tearing children between parents with conflicting values. Suicide is an option that has come to mind, but I knew, that whatever my life was like, the thought of the effect on the children was sufficient to curtail those thoughts very quickly.
During my life, I have always been conscious that I am personally responsible for my life and how I react to its waves and troughs. Consequently, I have not been left with a feeling of laying the blame, for the directions in my life, at someone else's doorstep. That is not to say that I have thought that the various people, who I feel have caused me harm, or distress, have acted in a virtuous or honourable manner, in fact, quite the contrary. However, at the end of the day, I am responsible with the way that I have responded to those life events.
There have been people in my life who I have seen as worthy of following as role models. Others, who I can say, that I have despised. It has still been up to me to decide, and act in accordance with my feelings and thoughts, about how each of those people have interacted with me and others. It places the responsibility, for my actions and life, squarely at my feet. The resulting feelings about that is no less easy to accommodate, than being in a position, where I might have thought that the blame should devolve to someone else.
No-one else I have known, would I raise to such a level, that I would believe to be a perfect human being and thereby, a perfect role model. On the other hand, there are certainly people whom I have admired. I would not consider it a worthwhile enterprise to endeavour to seek a perfect person for companionship. I do not believe such exists. And if I did seek out such a person for companionship, I would also have to consider myself to be perfect, which I most certainly am not.
The experience that I have had with professional advisers and counsellors has been very mixed. Some, I believe have been very good, however, others have appeared to me, to be working from a view of life that I simply did or do not share, others again, with a measure of apparent self-interest that made them appear to me, not to have been working with my interests in mind.
@Smiling_Gecko's observation about people sometimes being “so callous and cruel”, unfortunately, strikes a chord for me also.
@Appleblossom's comment about not losing objectivity by caring, also connected for me. I also like @Appleblossom's comment about being, in some ways, the one looking after the therapist, who, in the example she cited, is younger than her youngest child. I believe that an ideal relationship is two-way, even between counsellor/therapist and client/patient, although not necessarily in terms of quantity each way. That seems to be the style of a healthy relationship of any sort.
The idea of ~“disentangling and leaving it better than we've found it', and “Companionship which does no harm - to anybody”, which you also said, are both, what I would think of as worthy goals. However, those things can only happen when we believe in ourselves. I often say, in my responses to people, just what you have said, “when I feel that I am helping others it helps me.” Our interactions on the forum are, I believe, for the most part, mutually helpful and beneficial. Even to the extent that in writing a description, observation or statement, we have the personal opportunity to reflect on what we have said. Your comment, “I just need to contribute and I think I have a lot to offer. I know I have - but I don't want to be disrespected and used.” to me, is a very significant and insightful comment.
A comment you made, with regard to moving to Melbourne, about origins, connected with me: “Something about the climate and cold Winters appealed to my British ancestral spirit - like my soul was yearning for its homeland.” It reminded me of a time, when I had travelled to England, and was staying with friends. The whole atmosphere and ambience gave me the feeling of having come back home. My father was born in England. My mother's family came from England via New Zealand.
I have mentioned, at times, that I think that some members, when seeing my avatar and pseudonym, might say, “Oh no! Another one of Henry's books.” Most often when I am writing, I try to present my ideas together in a message. It feels, to me, as though the message is more meaningful. However, I have been trying to write shorter messages.
Also pleased to know that you have a new computer.
Thank you for your message letting me know that you are feeling better today, and anticipate being able to deal with issues with a more positive outlook. I can certainly appreciate, that at certain times, it just seems that everything appears to be falling inward.
With My Best wishes
@HenryX
