Just holding on.

Nice to hear from you @HenryX . Quite a tome! I won't be able to do justice to that! But here goes...

So sorry to hear of the difficulties you have with your back. It would control your entire life. I know you are not fostering sympathy. It's always interesting to know how our fellow forumites are, and have been, travelling. It gives us some perspective on who they are - and also helps us to get our own situation in greater perspective.

My own life, like so many here, is complicated. My journey with my ex-psychiatrist was amazing. He took me into a world - his world - I could never have imagined and trained me to it. His empathy, complete support, intellect......he never missed a beat whether we were his first or last patient of the day, whether he had just returned from a holiday or badly needed one, regardless of what was happening in his private life. It never altered him or his work ethic. He carried us all. He lives for his family, and lived for his patients and a great desire to clean up the disgusting, failing, self-serving 'industry' of his profession. His intellect and insight left me astounded. Just watching him work was a privilege and I will treasure the memory of it forever.

I have had great difficulty coming to terms with his reneging of his promise of social friendship. He was the dearest friend - in the truest sense - I have ever had. I would have died for him. It could not have done me more harm, and that he had always protected me with his life made it all the more baffling. I could not have imagined more anguish or a greater sense of betrayal. I had never had anyone in my life whom I could so totally trust or rely on, and he had never let me down before. He always made sure I understood everything, why he did certain things, why I had to, why certain things were not as they presented, whom I could trust and why I could not trust others.......then he threw all my meticulous re-programming into total disarray and rendered me suicidal.

These feelings, eighteen months later, feelings I had never experienced before, still sweep over me in waves, and seem to be the only and inevitable answer to the mess my life is now in. When I again recover, I am hopeful and think that this is all going to work out for the better in the end. I have to come to terms with the fact that, while he and I had an amazing relationship - only he and I will ever know the path we trod together - socially it would have been difficult to bring our respective lives together, and we are all getting older. There would have been more adjustments and, in the end, it was just easier to go our separate ways. Painful as it is. He lives close by and the warmth of his friendship is always with me. It just takes time to come to terms with it all. He truly broke my heart.

He taught me what love is. And it is quite different to anything I have experienced before. I love him dearly. Then the pendulum swings back and I hate him for doing this to me - causing me such pain and confusion. Then it swings back again and I understand he did not do this on purpose. And then, once again, I know this will all work out in the end. I hope it all levels out soon. It is exhausting and I have to regain my trust in people. And I want to reap the benefits of all these years of re-programming and training for a better future on different terms.

I contacted my own brothers, also a niece and a nephew, in recent weeks. We have not had contact since our mother died in 2003. She had been the only thing keeping our family together and I knew that when she was gone, the fleeting, superficial relationships we had would also be gone. And it was so. The contact was not as I had expected, but as I should have. We are all in our separate corners reconnecting in our minds and hearts and, hopefully, relationships will re-form on different terms in the near future. For me, family is everything. A lesson I hope we are all learning.

Your singing group sounds enjoyable. Not for me. I can't sing a note, unfortunately. Even my psychiatrist chuckled at my inability - I showed him - and he never laughs at us - but done in good spirit. It broke his po-face.

I do hold others personally responsible for the mess my life is in. How others condition us, control us, damage us, direct our lives into positions of subordination etc. when we are too young, trusting and naive to understand how this will later affect the quality of our lives, and even our personality and how we are perceived. The damage which was done to me was enormous, and it took my psychiatrist to undo the damage and enable me to find out who I really was when the damage had been undone, and I had been restored and enabled to reach my true potential.

As to the benefits of this forum, for me, it is also an avenue by which we can also express our opinions openly and be listened to. In real life, we seem, these days, to just withdraw from deeper discussion because we are simply unaccustomed to having differing opinions. It is simpler to just withdraw from debate. Here, even if we don't respond, we are listening. And I feel as if my thoughts and opinions matter.

Well, that about does it for this post. I hope your day is going well and life is treating you well. Take care, @HenryX.

Thanks for your well wishes @Former-Member. I am my more optimistic self again. Don't know what took me down that hole. When we are there it is hard to imagine that we will ever get out - but we can, and we do - with a little bit of help from our friends.

Yes, Brisbane's weather is not for me anymore.

Can't wait for my renovations to be done - even if they are held up by lockdowns, it will be worth the wait. Can't wait to make my mark.

Take care, @Former-Member. I hope your day is going well.

Hello @Historylover

It is pleasing to hear that you seem much more positive than you sounded the other evening. I am familiar with those waves of despair that sometimes appear to wash over us, seemingly for no specific reason, or "triggered" by a sudden awareness of discomfort.

I do hope that the weekend has been more settled. Where I am, the imposition of restrictions and sanctions, due to the virus, has been almost imperceptible. Our only restriction has been the limiting of movement between zones in the state, which, early in the saga, meant that we could not travel from here to Perth, without suitable reason. Though we do have QR codes or sign in, and hand sanitiser, at entry to each business site.

The cyclone, TC Seroja, that went through our area recently, has had a far greater impact than the virus.

I hope that a position might be established soon, particularly in the Eastern States, so that you, businesses, employment and the population in general, can get back to some reasonably secure and stable plan of operation.

With Best Wishes

HenryX

I have just had another rest @HenryX. On opening my eyes, once again I am in despair - as if I had said that I understand that he had to destroy my life. I don't, but I keep excusing him, finding reasons why he had to do this to me. This is how my life proceeds - daily. It never used to be so. He did this to me. And he could not have done me more harm if it was his soul purpose in life. Was it intentional? I am bewildered. Some have suggested that he is a narcissist. I have no idea. He is a complete contradiction. Again I hold no hope for the future for myself or the reconstruction of my family. It seems that the truth is so dreadful that I don't allow myself to believe it, and take solace from time to time in remembering how it used to be just a short time ago.

I am only writing to show how my life swings back and fro, and how I am so vulnerable. I'll continue to bear up for as long as possible. Good things happen from time to time and that keeps me going for a while longer. It just seems that it is more cruel than kind. This is my nightmare.

Don't worry. I just plod on and try to find some joy in my life.

I hope you are well @HenryX. It is a pleasure to read your posts, your gentility and concern for others. I am pleased there are pleasures in your life. May there always be.

Sending best wishes for a better future.

Historylover

Hello @Historylover

I do hear what you are saying, and am very much aware, that we generally think that a rest will freshen and enliven in us, a new feeling, a fresh start. It is so desperately disappointing when we awake, to find that our mind has taken us, again, to a place that we had thought we had put aside. For my part, I am sorry that you have again faced those feelings.

"

No-one should have, or feel that their life has been controlled, directed or destroyed by some-one else. Unfortunately, so long as we continue to allow ourselves to believe that another person has had the power, or continues to have the power, to positively or negatively influence, control, direct or destroy our lives, we, in effect, cede, by conscious or unconscious decision, to that other person or persons, any portion of, or all power over us and our lives.

"

I find it significant, and what may be referred to as a “Freudian slip”, that you referred to “his soul purpose in life”. It is your soul about which we are concerned, not his. Whatever “his sole purpose” may have been, it is now your sole purpose to bring your soul into alignment with where you wish to be. What I am talking about here can be viewed as philosophically secular, or faith based perceptions. But, from whatever perspective we view your current position, it is my concern and your purpose to see you move toward a more beneficial state of equilibrium in your life. It is most certainly not my wish to establish myself as a replacement, in the position of your ex psychiatrist. However, I am happy to walk with you, in whatever capacity that I may or can, in this format, toward a happier, more independent You.

"

It seems, in talking with other people, that there has been much discussion about what the other person, is or is not. The real question now, is what You are and are not. Unfortunately, there appears to me to have been created in that “therapeutic relationship”, a high level of dependence, by you toward and on him. What I would like to see happen is, as I have suggested before, in a step by step process, for you to relinquish that feeling of dependence on him. I strongly believe that the way out of your present predicament, is to walk that path, toward a gradual development of your own awareness of, and belief in, a secure sense of self and self-assertive independence.

From the way that you write, you are an accomplished woman, in your own right. The way I see forward from here is to develop confidence, based on previous accomplishments and residual, but increasing self-concept. In this, rather than “take solace from time to time in remembering how it used to be just a short time ago.”, I would like you to extract from “how it used to be just a short time ago.”, that portion which is YOU, and build your future on that special portion that is YOU, independent of any-one else.

'"

Before, I have said that I am aware of that experience of life swinging to and fro, and am also conscious of your present feeling of vulnerability. I am very keen to accompany you on the path toward a stronger and more assertive YOU. What you have experienced and the process through which you have come, has been developing over an extended period of time. I believe, from the positives you have gleaned during that time, and the foundation already established through your life, that you can become a more positive, self-secure, more confident person, in a relatively short space of time. This will give you the opportunity to live, meaningfully, independently and securely, for and in the future.

"

Indeed, it is the occasional good things, that happen from time to time, that give us the impetus and momentum required, to continue our lives against various odds. Also, I am aware to what you may be referring in saying “It just seems that it is more cruel than kind.” and your assurance given in the following paragraph.

"

It is my wish, if I may be allowed to walk with you, through our forum contact, to continue the journey to a better, more productive and rewarding space and place.

"

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

Hello @Historylover

I am not always at my computer when messages from others are posted, so sometimes it may take a while before I am able to reply. Yesterday, I experienced an occasion when I simply did not feel well enough to respond as soon, or as fully as I would wish, so decided to respond when I felt more able.

Likewise, others are often in the same position. Consequently, I am aware that responses can only be given when we are present, and are best given when we feel most able.

With Best Wishes

HenryX

@HenryX Thank you again for your well-considered response. It is not my intention to burden you with my distress. I had just been responding to yours and taking comfort in them. I needed you to understand that, while I may sing his praises in one breath, it is quickly brought to my attention that I am in this mess because of him. My life is in ruin because of him. It can only be intentional. I wish I could accept that and accept that he is, very likely, a very troubled person.

I did indeed have a total reliance on him. Total. He made it that way, systematically withdrawing me from all relationships. While they were not healthy relationships, how does one establish if unhealthy relationships are moved away from but not replaced with better ones, and he presented himself as my knight in shining armour. If he had not promised me a future social connection, I would have had to find others, but his promise made me unaware of the difficult situation I was in.

How is it that I, and others, simply do not fit anywhere? How can that be? By what misfortune in our genes, our heritage, our life's path? Do people lull others into a feeling of security then betray them to get a feeling of power when they feel they are, themselves, powerless? Is that the only way to prosper in this world? To have control over others to feel in control - of something, of someone? Does that bring a feeling of security, ill-gained confidence? Or at least create that impression? Is that what relationships are?

Perhaps relationships are always fraught. Perhaps there is never true parity.

He has complete control over me, and I am unable to break his control. I have tried but he is just too skilled. I can't get him out of my mind - such is the extent to which he has invaded my life and thoughts, and directed my path. He has re-programmed me and I don't know how to disconnect. And connectedness to him is my identity. It is like connectedness to a family member. I am left, every day, trying to outsmart him, understand him. I am exhausted from my efforts. He must be laughing at my gullibility. The questionable advice he gave me started way back so I have to conclude he was playing me from the beginning.

Yes, interesting that I referred to his 'soul purpose'. Obviously I had not noticed. I don't think he has a soul so it may be appropriate.

My situation makes me vulnerable to anyone with malicious intentions. I simply can't trust anyone. I don't have a home, a car, or family or friends to be part of. There is no security for me. I can't find help with a group of like-minded people anywhere. No-one I know is in this predicament. Everyone is established and successful to varying degrees. I simply don't fit anywhere. I can only get through one day after the next in great anguish. What is the purpose of that? I always thought that we all fitted somewhere, that we all had like-minded souls to match up with. This is hell and I don't know how to keep going.

Historylover

Hello @Historylover

Thank you for your note of a few minutes ago (about 9.00 pm AEST)

"

May I assure you that you are not burdening me with your distress. I have choices about which people and situations to which I respond and how I respond to each.

"

I certainly hear what you are saying about healthy relationships and otherwise. I believe that even unhealthy relationships give us the spark that we need, in order to have some challenges in life. If and when such relationships end, or in some other way, are no longer affective in our lives, unless we have other already positive relationships to give us reason for personal movement, there should at the very least, I believe, be a plan to replace such relationships, for our progress and benefit.

"

Some people, I believe, thrive on control of and over others. Unfortunately, you are not on your own with regard to having allowed others, in good faith, and having been given positive assurances that it is in our best interest to follow their advice, to have control of some portion or a major part of our lives. In such cases, if we have the internal strength and fortitude to do so, we walk away, at least feeling that a lesson has been learnt. The situation can be so devastating, that we can feel like a fish floundering on the beach sand. It takes extraordinary effort for us to recover and get back to the water in which we can survive.

"

Your observation, about those, who so fully take advantage of others, so as to have a feeling of power and control, so that they gain for themselves a feeling of self-security and ill-gained confidence, seems relevant to many life situations. The reverse, is to elevate oneself by denigrating others. Another method by which some people endeavour to exercise control over others and attempt to feel superior in some way. These approaches are often used by people who, I believe, externally may appear to exude confidence, but are internally, likely to be very unstable.

"

You are probably right about the non-existence of parity in most relationships. There is the hope that the stronger person, in most relationships, uses that attribute to protect those closest to them, instead of the exercise of that advantage to control, and in some circumstances, to abuse another person or other people.

"

I notice that you have referred to possessions as a means of maintaining security. However, possessions can also be a liability. Family and friends can sometimes give us a feeling of security, but cannot always be relied upon for that, as we both know. I believe that there are probably many who know what these predicaments are like, however, it is only on forums like these, that we are likely to become aware of people in such situations. People, who are experiencing these issues, normally keep their heads down, rather than advertising their circumstances.

"

I agree with you, that initially, just getting through each day is a worthy goal in itself. The idea that we all had like-minded souls to match up with, is a belief to which you and I have both subscribed. But that idea has had to be unceremoniously discarded by us both.

"

With My Best Wishes

@HenryX

Your post did not register in my 'new' box for some reason. I chanced upon it because I thought there may be a reply from someone who had not tagged me. This is not the first time I have found an unregistered post, so perhaps it happens from time to time.

Well, @HenryX, where to from here? I am out of ideas and usually flounder for a while, while letting the dust settle and a new direction present. It usually does, but that it not necessarily a good thing. As I have said, it just prolongs the agony and leads down another cul-de-sac.

As for possessions, they are not the be-all to end all, but they signal our achievements to others. As to mine, they only signal bad financial advice I received from my ex-psychiatrist, and what I have done for others in the hope that it would bring about family change - putting others before myself. It is obvious now that I was misled - that it was a mistaken belief that there is intrinsic goodness in people, just waiting for the opportunity to tap into their better selves. To take a chance. I can't go through life explaining myself and my situation to everyone who crosses my path. It's painful. I would just like to build my life based on healthy, respectful human interactions. You see, I still dream of Utopia.

It is a fact, in our society, that rich people are seen as successful. I have been trained to see beyond appearances to how those riches were gained. Some honourably, but so very many have left victims. I would not like to get ahead at such a cost. But when you have never been given the opportunity to get ahead, failure is inevitable. It is no wonder so many turn to crime.

As to relationships, for me, they have always been either mismatched - or exploitative, which I only recognized each time after the damage had been done. That was why I was pondering the nature of relationships. I know the signs now which is why I am so fearful of my vulnerability. So very sceptical of any goodness in people. I do keep looking though.

All for now, Historylover.