Hello @Historylover
Historylover, what you seem to be reflecting on is a severe sense of isolation and feelings of being threatened. In your first paragraph, you appear to be describing, what I have sometimes visualised. One vision that I have experienced, is the image of an ant trying desperately to climb out of a dry sand hole, the more it tries to climb out, the more sand falls in on top of it. Another image is of clinging to some sort of floating debris, while being swept out to sea, past a land point to which I cannot swim. In each of those images visualised, there are no other people involved, so consequently, no suggestion of judgement by or of others.
Those scenarios contrast with the description that you have offered, in your second paragraph, about you in relation to others around you:
Quote: “I feel that everybody who knows me can recognise the predicament I am in, and they are just waiting for me to reach my breaking point. Like predators, patiently waiting. Some are very nice but I feel it is just to lull me into a false sense of security. Misplaced trust. A feeling that if it feels good, it's too good to be true and won't have a good outcome. Like they just want to know my business so that they can hold it against me, like they want to get onto my rung and topple me. Get close and betray me. For their own revenge. Another scalp for their belts.”
I can certainly understand your feelings of fear, desperation, despair and existent sense of possible, or impending, threat or harm, in the description that you have given. You have also talked about others, as if they were trying to engender in you, a false sense of trust. About yourself, there is the issue of what you believe has likely been 'misplaced trust'.
From these descriptions you have 'painted a picture' of yourself, in a situation, where you cannot extend yourself to others, none of whom you trust. And you have no way of knowing whether your own positive assessment, that any other person qualifies as trustworthy, and some-one upon whom you can entrust your thoughts and even existence, is secure. The threats that you seem to be describing are both internal and external and appear to have you wedged in. The expression "between a rock and a hard place" comes to mind. An image of having no room or freeedom to move.
In your third paragraph, you reflect on how you would like your relationships to be:
“How I'd love to get to know them like I should be able to, to trust them, to relate, to have true friends who are not judgemental...”
You speak of having “...tried everything.” but you have said “I don't fit anywhere. Not for long.”
Then, you say categorically that “It's not paranoia.”. It is as though you are saying that your life has been predetermined or preordained, and that you have no control over it. You ask why it should be?, or, why it is so?, as though you think that someone else may be able to give you the answers to those questions.
In your statement:
“I didn't realise that parents, sibs, spouse, children, erstwhile 'friends', psychiatrist and doctors were all just using me for their own ends.”
you have included everyone in whom you might otherwise have placed your trust and expected sharing support, guidance, acceptance. You have said that you are, effectively, the 'scapegoat', on whom revenge is being exacted, for past wrongs by others. That your life has been ruined, and any dividend has accrued to those others.
It appears to me that if you do want change and to feel better than you do now, there are going to have to be small steps. Those might be to look inside yourself calmly, to see if there is any small glimmer of possibility. Someone, with whom you might be able to establish some small interaction, with the possibility of establishing a secure and mutually beneficial relationship. I say mutually, because if you consider yourself as giving as well as receiving, there can exist a benefit to you and to the other person. This way you are neither totally taking from the relationship, nor all giving.
Such a relationship might be established with another friend, counsellor, psych. person. It could be someone with whom you've interacted before, and is not one of those by whom you have previously or recently felt threatened. It could be another totally separate person, independent from your current life. A person with whom you could establish contact through a support agency, or possibly a church contact, if you have that resource available to you, and you would feel trusting in assistance from that avenue.
I would really like to know how you feel and think about these ideas, if you feel comfortable replying to me. I will value and respect your thoughts, should you wish to share them with me. Please consider, that I know nothing about you, other than what you have written and some other posts in which I have seen you offer your perspectives.
As you are, I am sure, aware that any discussion we have is anonymous and I have no other reason for discussion with you than a wish and desire to assist and share the path, in any way that I can.
With My Very Best Wishes
@HenryX
