BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

@eskimos It's been a while since you've been here. A separation can just be a holiday for some, but it doesn't sound like you're on holiday's anymore......

I'd forgotten that I had replied to you some months ago so had to re-read your situation.....

Reading your posts I just get this sense that your ex-wife is healthy other than her PD and that she copes in life much better than she pretends to. I also get the sense she is acutely aware she has a PD and is really angry about it, but doesn't disclose. She keeps it hidden which may be part of the problem.

She is reasonable healthy and by hiding as much as possible rages she is not diagnosed fully probably and not getting all the necessary help but as I discussed this with the psychologist I did all that I can and everything now only makes it worst in her eyes so let it go must be.

I don't get the sense that she has ever sought much treatment and makes up a lot of excuses. BPD generally appears in adolescence, she has come a long way without being forced into treatment for such a debilitating condition. Did she have at least one parent that indulged her, and may have reinforced some other traits.

The house is yours. She is an adult.

Best of luck, Corny

@Corny Yes her father just adore her like a precious doll. He always cares for her, organizes her life, found her first job etc. So yeah here we have it.

Now I am recalling a lot of red tapes when I went to that relationship. But I was young and still, moreover my brother and I have some family background being brought up by narcissistic father it turned out recently when we started to find what is wrong with both of us. He picked up a woman with BPD like myself, and now we are both being soon divorced. He ends up with lots of mental health problems. I am a bit stronger but still a mess now anyway.

A lot of work with my children now to rebuild their confidence and get them to live their lives and do not look back for broken parents too much.

I just got back from my walk and I almost got blown away with these winds, I could have ended high up in the fork of a tree if I wasn't careful, I didn't have to commando crawl up the street, back home, but jeez, it was a close call.

Well your ex-wife has been really lucky to have a Dad like that @eskimos. Without meaning to he could have brought on some learnt helplessness, doing everything for her all the time, not developing her own life skills. We all have to eventually face the death of parents and if she's used to always having someone do everything for her, I wouldn't be shocked if she re-couples very quickly after your divorce. Nothing can prepare you for that, it's very painful, you literally feel like your heart is breaking.

But you say that you are already 'broken', I've been there it is a very dark place. To be honest I have no idea how on earth I came out of it, and that I survived at all.

Sounds like you may have some childhood wounds or if not, a tendency to be attracted to people on the PD spectrum somewhere if your Dad was. I guess it is familiar. I hope that you have a close bond to your brother, that could really help you through this difficult time. You both need a complete break from people with mental illness, and all things mental illness, and you need to be free and not answerable to anyone for a while. No one making demands of you and sucking the life out of you. You don't have anything left to give, except to your own health.

Your ex-wife survived without you for many years, you haven't been together since you were both born, she's managed in the world OK. You said she hasn't been fully diagnosed, to me that says she hasn't been treated either.

You're probably gonna bump up against more people with MI in your life, one you may like to date one day if you're stronger. Steer clear of people that aren't proactive in the management of their condition, I do. I have a tendency to attract chicks that want me as their therapist, because they don't have the balls to do the hard yards and look inside, or they have been just plain lazy or up themselves.

Don't beat yourself up for falling in love. Yeah you were young, but you can't control who you fall in love with at any age. Keep your sib close and on your side, because if you ever met somone new they can see past the rose-coloured glasses/blindness that comes with sexual and romantic attraction and support you to not get involved. Corny

Hey @Corny

Stay grounded mate, don't flew off somewhere the forum needs you ;-).

I would like to that you for the response it was just so eye-opening to me and uplifting a lot>

You nailed: "You don't have anything left to give, except to your own health."

You just made my day: "You're probably gonna bump up against more people with MI in your life, one you may like to date one day if you're stronger. Steer clear of people that aren't proactive in the management of their condition, I do. I have a tendency to attract chicks that want me as their therapist, because they don't have the balls to do the hard yards and look inside, or they have been just plain lazy or up themselves." Love it, I just need time off from a relationship, getting old, find some more purpose in my life. Watch a few TV shows and movies from my backlog, drink a few whiskies etc. Just find who am I.

And yeah, I am getting much closer to my brother again, even if we are on the opposite side of the globe, he is in Poland, I am here, but technology helps to keep in touch that's COVID 😉 for accelerating progress, no maybe not everywhere so some "scommobacks" are still in the stone age;-))).

Cheers

A few whiskey's you say @eskimos . How very Don Draper of you. I don't love the taste of whiskey, but I wish I did. I want to be seen with one of those really heavy crystal glasses in my hand. You know the ones that weigh like 3 kilo each. In a sharp suit, just like Don.

We're all getting old @eskimos . None of us can dodge that process. I feel every single day that I am, and then some! Stress takes it toll. You'll know when the time is right to get back out there, if you choose to. It will be hard these next few months, maybe even into next year, but you'll get through. You won't be the same person, but none of us are after situations like this.

Distraction is important at times, and a TV show or Movie to lose yourself in, and be someone else for a few hours, can bring down your anxiety and give your body a break. It also expands your sense of your own life, changes your perspective. When I am not well it is hard to read. My brain doesn't have the ability to concentrate, but a comfort show can be nice, and unexpectedly good movie you didn't think you'd be into.

It's a shame that your bro is on the other side of the world. It is so far away. Technologies make it a little easier, but its not the same as a hug and a kiss in real life etc. I hope you can hang out soon. Corny

Mad Man is on my TV Shows bucket list, never watched I lived under the rock of BPD ;-).

I never expected that I will like whisky but it's turned out that actually it is nice to sip when watching TV and it has fewer carbs than beer, I am now a health freak after losing 20kg just to be healthy and live longer for children sake.

BTW why are the glasses heavy indeed?. I have a simple one from the JW gift pack but yeah they are quite heavy.

@Corny, you said an interesting thing about the ability to concentrate, I thought that it is my MS but it might be constant alertness due to living with a mentally ill person who needs constant attention. I need to really go to Tibet to cool my racing mind ;-).

Cheers

If you're in the mood for a character driven show as opposed to a plot driven one you may enjoy Mad Men @eskimos. I love Joanie. But I do like to lose myself in something, even if its listening to a podcast under the covers when I can't get warm. I have enjoyed some movies and shows on SBS on Demand lately. My lil sib did join me on her Netflix account and I have watched shows on there, but I am not the sort of person that can watch anything just for the sake of it.

I think the glasses are heavy because they are crystal, but I am not sure, but I must say I do like the feel of them, my sib got some as a wedding present. I will try a nicer whiskey one as opposed to the cheap and petrol like stuff I probably tried in my youth.

That's lovely that you want to live for your kids and yourself and that health is one of your top priorities, that will have a deep impact on them. Not all carbs are bad @eskimos fibre can be really important for our health, it can even impact our brains. But I think that nutrition plans should be very individual, what is right for one person will weaken another person's body. You have a lot on your plate with MS, I hope that you can get some reprieve with not too many flare ups.

I can understand wanting to run away over seas for a while. Maybe next year you could have a trip. But it sounds like your ex-wife's illness has been very dominant in the family and taken a lot of resources and energy from everyone. Its very frustrating when a person refuses treatment and won't engage. I think that your head will be spinning for a while now. If you're still living together it will drag it out further. Enjoy your exercise program @eskimos stay warm and cosy. You could warm yourself in the sun at a dog park and get a few cuddles from the local pups that walk by? Man, there's so many lovely breeds out there that just melt your heart. Dogs are such great mindfulness, Corny.

Hi Guys,

I was not here a long time. Small update:

1. I am separated, living in my community house which was assigned to me, so she had to move out.

2. Her move out was interesting, as she moved to a friend but within 6 months she found good work (thanks to Centrelink push and course finished during covid lock which I helped her with too and that cost me a lot of stress), anyway she rented 3 bedroom unit, to be able to start sharing carrying role for our daughter and ... not to pay alimonies to me due to my only income being disability pension. That turned out against her as we carrying now 50/50 but she needs to pay me more alimonies as my income dropped due to shared family benefits now.

3. My son landed a top-dollar job as a programmer and he is living in Sydney now (I visited him recently too). He struggles mentally a bit but he is getting some help I hope (we spoke about that but I can not force him if he does not get it, I will check that soon).

4. My daughter under psychological supervision recover well and crossing through the VCE exams now and living one month with her mom and one with me.

So overall I was left only in a deep financial hole (a wife always costs so much indeed), I gave her everything as if she was a victim, I am looking to our friends as bustard and most of them cut contact with me or just keep as distance as possible.

However our health improved, and I stop having blood spillage in my left eye, still getting stronger. My kids are doing very well if I consider what has happened. Even her health improved as she nearly stop having caught it all the time (and no it was not covid either).

So yeah I am considering having a dog but not ready to care even a bit. I need to find myself, what to do who am I, and what I enjoy. I lived 25 years under the pink dome of suppose to be the perfect marriage. Stupid me.

HI @eskimos ,

Thank you for the update.

Your perseverance and resilience looks like it's working.

I applaud you for your strength.

When you have time, feel free to visit Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT

Thanks, I will try to pop in.

However, I have found that the best way to support my former partner is to ..... split and leave her to live her own life. I reckon if she was able to "cheat" two psychiatrists, and 3 psychologists and forced our GP to drop the idea of her problems and listen only to her, it was too much for all of the family members.

So an interesting idea but it is working! She is an independent woman, can provide for herself very well and we suffer a bit (which means kids and me) but she can not see this, narcissistic part plays well here too.

Anyway, see you at the live discussion.