BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Thx @ExBPDParent I reckon we can understand each other more. I always have nagging question about how much burn I need to handle to prove myself to keep going, for marriage for children wellbeing, for lack of my health etc. Where is the bottom? That quicksand comparison is brilliant.

And @Corny, you are reading very well, I forgot the word camouflage (English is my second lang.) She camouflages very well, even my psychologist told me that as far as she quite a lot of experience with BP/NP she took 2 full sessions to finally get what she is, kind of highly intelligent BP with NP with obsessive lines.

My wife hiding behind her other illnesses like, anxiety, depression, developing chronic cough to the level of wretched out, carpal tunnel syndrome (to be able not to work too much).

I am reading the book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstag.

The second time actually it is very informative and I think levelled and giving you a reality check.

In the book, there is even a real story of her patient with the same problems as me, and life just could not believe it when I read it. Anyway, the book asking the question stay or leave? If I am going to stay I need to be loving and care of (not for) person. I reached that point that I can't. I have exhaust my all resources and this is my fault as I should look for help many years ago but I hoped she gets better if I give more, big mistake.

I just scared how my children see not fall of her mother as she burnt herself trying to survive on her own. Make another drama which she is doing best and show how bad I am and not loving her, and leaving when she is ill.

Let it be collateral damage always happen.

Its a difficult situation you are in @eskimos and I can't really give relationship advice or tell you what to do. I guess people discuss their own experiences and opinions but at the end of the day you are the one that has to decide if you can live like this.

BPD and NPD are just medical labels to describe how a persons brain and nervous system is working or not working. At the end of the day if you are miserable and your health is greatly impacted the kids will be too. But then again I hear of couples that prefer to stay even if they are unhappy. They have too much to lose financially, aren't particularly bothered there is no intimacy or respect and just need the practical side of things met. I am not built like this, but lots of people are. So it really comes down to what you will and will not live with, everyone is different. But you are connected to a Psychologist of your own so that is a good start. Talk to them they can help. Talk to friends and family, but realise that they also have their limits and will only support so much, and if people don't see positive changes they tend to drift away in self preservation, which is understandable. All the best with your journey, Corny

Thank you @Corny that is what exactly I am in, my own decision which I have to be comfortable with, and another side as well. We just start looking for options so I guess it is good to start as being stuck in that pull-push relationship was what makes us unhappy (both sides). A lot of work and a difficult year ahead.

In regards to labels, they are not helpful in relationships but in medical terms kind of useful to allow to apply some treatment to whatever it is. My label is MS (multiple sclerosis) and as much as do not like it a have found it helpful to explain to even some idiots what is wrong with me. I remember some real estate agent asked me what I have and as I told him he was so proud to know it and told: I know that this condition when on the end you freeze

I really appreciate to chat here made me somehow less stressed.

Yes they are just labels in the end @eskimos . It is hard to accept some days. As you say I guess they aren't that helpful in relationships and can lead to tremendous assumptions and prejudice. My mother lives with the brain disorder, Schizophrenia, it has been in my family for generations along with BP1. Through my life I have never met another person who has a parent with the disorder, but I have met a lot of siblings, people that I have worked with and out in life etc. And they have continued to shock me with how narrow and ignorantly they think of people with Schizophrenia. I guess they could leave, and they did, but I cared for my mother up until about 2 years ago. There is nuance and it doesn't make up the whole person, their self is still in there!.....I am sure it is the same for other disabilities and you would experience other misinformed assumptions with your health problems. I know that stress can really flare up your MS so minimising stress is key, but also humanly impossible at times! I never really had a great run with GP's. If they ever said minimise stress I would be like, How?! I can't. Anyway that's a little discussion about my adventures as Child Caring Corny.

The push-me-pull-me-love-me-hate-you dynamic can become very toxic very fast. I am sure there are lots more details to your marriage that maybe you could share with someone in a face to face setting as well, simple because I think our bodies respond more to face-to-face, and we receive more bodily comfort even just making eye contact with a caring person and seeing their face and hearing the tone of their voice. Online you're still trapped in your own head. At the end of the day, its only yourself and your wife that know what are the true sticking points throughout your relationship, you may share some bits and pieces with your friends, but most people keep a lot of it private or tell half truths.

There's nothing to lose from a trial separation, but from what you and other posters have said BPD and separation are like fire and ice or fire and petrol......that's why I would involve doctors or nurses and psychologists if possible that know your wife. If relationship breakdown is a known trigger for a flare up of BPD and you are serious you want to separate, to me that shows your'e both serious. Otherwise it just comes across as another episode and eventually you will both burn bridges if you aren't careful. We all have our limits, breaking points and can only take so much. Especially outsiders, such as friends, they will drift off first because as I have said previously before, unless you love/are in love with the person, severe mental illness is just too much for a lot of people to handle, especially untreated mental illness and your wife seems to be untreated right now. People will lose respect for her and her connections will shrink if she doesn't humble herself and admit she isn't above needing help. Best, Corny

Hi All,

Just to clarify:

My wife had one psychologist who quite as she did not like her (psych told her to adjust a bit her perfectionist standards).

Currently has a psychiatrist, psychologist and GP with huge mental health experience, and she is on two medications. I can get her any better care (maybe put her in hospital).

My son (suicidal last year but know very good after distancing himself from his mother), has a psychologist and on medications.

My daughter currently has a psychologist as my wife started to put down and control her instead of our son.

I have a psychologist (but for a sanity check I had two others as well but they all said the same so I decided that I am sane and not a family destroyer as my wife labelled me), and fully aware GP.

We all are doing great only my wife is pulling us down with her and this is very sad to me and our children who understand that they said to me one the better we are the worst mom feels, this was a heartbreaking statement.

So yeah here we are. I need kind of pick up lesser evil, there is no good solution.

I just can't believe how lonely I am with what is happening. Even with all that specialist etc. Good that my bro and auntie are with me and understand what I am experiencing.

Cheers

Another small breakthrough. I managed to talk to my wife calmly about our incoming issue: housing.

As we live in community housing I need to reach to them and they might help a bit hopefully but I asked her as impartial as I couldn't allow me to disclose her mental illness in full, I mentioned that by disclosing we can get more help (especially she).

Long silence

And finally YES, she agrees and even was able to talk about the help she needs with that.

So hopefully a bit less camouflaging and covering up.

Probably I have patronized her but I hope not.

Anyway, lives must go on.

@eskimos I decided that I am sane

Me too, hell yes. Who's to say I aint.

Well you got at least 4 opinions Eski, 3 psychologists and a GP, so that is thorough. A 'family destroyer' is a little manipulative, not that I need to point that out, I am sure you can see it. And as for putting her daughter down that is emotional abuse and unacceptable behaviour.

I guess you can only take it day by day, in small steps. Housing is a huge problem for a lot of people. But she has mental health connections which is great. Even in perfect situations where neither party has any health problems, relationship breakdowns are incredibly stressful. It will probably be quite a drawn out process, but requires your wife to develop some skills of self care. You seem to have all the responsibility. Was it on your thread or someone else's I read they didn't want to be left with the responsibility of their aging parents, so their partner can do it for them......that's not on, and will only build in resentment. After resentment comes bitterness. We are only alive for a short while and then its over. Good luck, Cornucopia

Hello @ExBPDParent I was very relieved to read your post. I came here looking to see if someone else out there had expressed a similar experience to my own and if not, I was going to share in the hope of connecting. I've been separated for 10 years now from my son's father who has BPD. Our teen son was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which shone a big light on the BPD history in the father's family. I can totally relate to your sense of "living hell" and think I may be able to offer some tips, that I have found effective. My son has been exposed to several unsafe incidents whilst in his father's care over the last year. Covid triggered a major depressive episode for my son's father and his coping mechanism is alcohol.

I too am hugely emphathetic and have a huge amount of compassion for my son's father MH but his inabiltiy to accept or address his BDP and symptoms is incredibly frustrating to say the least. My sense of compassion towards my son's father has been a huge disadvantage. I now see my son trying to take on this role of 'care taker' out of compassion for his father. I have very recently imposed a boundary with my son's father, so that I can take time out to heal and figure out what a safe on-going relationship looks like for me and my son. My son and I are both in family therapy and both seeing individual therapists. The responsibility of my son's father's BPD and my son's safety was falling upon me and my son and I'm fatigued. Hence why I asserted a boundary.

I have been through the family legal system, many times, seen all the lawyers, social workers, child protection etc... yes the system fails solo parents and children. I currently going through the system, yet again to try another solution. Which I'm marginally optimisitic about. The way the legal system works is that children need to be experiencing severe forms of violence or abuse in order for anyone to do anything or take it seriously, but accumulative verbal and exposure to substance abuse is just as harmful and that's what I'm most concerned about. My son is now caught in in his father's BPD cycle's and constantly getting emotionally / verbally hurt by his father, withdraws contact, then repairs the relationship. I just got informed by a Lawyer that my son withdrawing contact is not seen as credible in a court of law due to his age!

I've spoken to multiple adult friends who had a parent with BPD and their words have given me great wisdom to their lived experiences and what to potentially expect for my own child. I'm now aiming to attain Sole Parental Responsibility for my son, legally (wish me luck) so that I can make long term decisions for my son as I've been doing that regardless for the last 10 years.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action. By understanding my son's ADHD and it's connection to the father's family BPD history, I then became aware of my son's father's illness, how it presents, the symptoms / cycles. I'm now taking action to ensure I'm taking care of my own needs to best support my son and his needs. Arm your children with strategies, so that when they're in your ex-partner's care, they know what to do and how to respond.

Wishing you the very best.

Hi All,

After a few weeks of total up and downs, I am posting short updates.

After checking all possibilities to help my ex-wife (yes I can start using that word now), we agree that she is the one who is moving out as I am disabled, our community house is modified to my needs, and it is simply assigned to me. If I move out she will lose it anyway as she will be not eligible for that. She is reasonable healthy and by hiding as much as possible rages she is not diagnosed fully probably and not getting all the necessary help but as I discussed this with the psychologist I did all that I can and everything now only makes it worst in her eyes so let it go must be.

I gave have time to find shelter (which she already did in some friends room) and settle find a job etc.

Living now together is thought but I try at least survive. But she is quite good and destroys my nearly every weekly movie night (which I am doing to cheer up myself, by watching dads movies). I asked her to just leave me alone with the TV. Oh well, I will be persistent. This is my time and I reckon I deserve it.

We at least start doing a shopping list (but it was tough to achieve it). She opens her bank account.

I hope that small and steady win the race.

Children are quite alright with our splitting. My son even made a joke to the sister: now we are truly Aussie as we have separated parents ;-). Many of their friends live like nomads moving between dad and mum, so here they are as well, how good is that (or bad).

I had lunch out with them Get together with dad. Where we discussed a bit so seems not too bad. They have their psych so fingers cross they mentally survive that crap.

And now come to me, and well it is bad, I feel like a piece of shit. I am quite a mess now, I try to find a job as a disabled person which is an absolutely enormous task. But I am determined, I will make it.

The funny thing is that I got a survey from my community housing about how that safe house helps us like family, many questions just bamboozle me as our family flip quite opposite, and I can't make my head around how is it possible. The blame on me will last some time I reckon. I am going to psych every 2-3 weeks now hope that helps.

So stay tuned more to come as I expect every day new drama unfold, I am living on that edge. (I love that Aerosmith song btw ;-).