BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Hi There

I am new here and this is my first post. I am feeling a bit desperate and not really sure where to turn to get support or what else I can do.

After years of infidelity, rage when being caught, lies and manipulation in our marriage, I left.

I discovered some shocking information about his past and literally took the kids and left.

Whilst he has sought help and many have mentioned BPD, he has not had a formal diagnosis. He is very high functioning, but the depths of the lies and deception is breathtaking. You wouldn't believe it if it was a movie.

After extensive reading and seeing health professionals myself, there is absolutely no doubt that he has BPD.

We have 2 children together. I won't go into the story, but he is dragging our young children from relationship to relationship. When he is in a good space he is a good father, but my 7 year old is already super clued into his lies and manipulation of them.

He threatens self harm, threatens them to keep secrets, has made very inappropriate comments about my daughters etc but none of it is enough for me to withhold the kids. Hundreds of little things, but I am terrified for their safety. Not because I think he would deliberately hurt them (although his immense rage at me most of the tine, makes me worry he would hurt them to get back at me). I have been in the car when he has driven at 150km an hour in a rage, he's punched walls and when caught out/shamed he acts in incredibly impulsive ways.

I have always done the right thing by him as I know his behaviour is mental illness, but I feel broken.

I've spoken to police, child protection, lawyers, family court, DV organisations (there are SO many!) and basically everyone says that the system fails women and children like us.

We are divorced, but my whole life seems consumed by the drama that surrounds him and my fear for our children.

I have women reach out who have been in relationship with him (always at least 2 at a time - he's been engaged 6 times). Everything has blown up in a very major way and I am so worried about my 2 young kids, yet I have to send them back.

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience and has any guidance that may help. I'm exhausted and I feel like I am playing a never ending chess game and I don't know the rules of chess!

I have seen the same psychologist for 5 years (including 2 with him) who does a lot of work with BPD. But I think we have outgrown eachother. I now leave my appointments feeling terrified of what he might do and that is not helping me.