Unknown userMember
A Friend in Need,,,,
I closed my poetry thread, no more poetry here.
I wasn't going to post either, but I feel the need to express this somehow or die a tiny bit more inside.
I'm guessing both will happen, regardless.
Today I lost a friend. Not to death but to human nature.
Or rather, as the quote goes:
"I didn't lose a friend. I just realised I never had one"
To me this is worse. Sadly I judge others by my own standards,and I give loyalty and honesty and trust beyond what is sensible.
Even less sensible, is the expectation that it will be returned in like.
In recent years I have come to realise that to .... every single friend really, I am not a friend, I am a convenience.
They only talk to me etc when they are bored and all their 'real friends' are busy.
They only respond to my messages or requests for help ( eg. Assistance moving house), in a similar way. As long as it doesn't inconvenience them or cost them anything.
This is how the world works. I know that.
People prioritise, and I rank low, if at all, on their list.
And that would be fine. Except for the fact that I have always dropped everything I'm doing to help each and every one of them.
I have given friends my last dollar and gone hungry.
I do these things repeatly, and almost always to my own detriment or inconvenience.
I recently failed a house inspection because I was busy working dawn till dusk helping a friend (of over ten years), prepare for theirs.
Their reaction when they found out? They abused me, said I was stupid, and a freak. That nobody does that. They said a lot worse before they terminated our friendship forever.
Because I helped them, instead of helping myself.
Without expectation of reward or returned favour beyond what standard friendship brings.
But I do do that. I will always do that, and I don't apologise for it.
I suppose it's foolish of me to think these things make our friendship stronger, that I might get what I give if I am ever in need. I guess I live In Wonderland after all.
But I feel sad that people often recognise that, and take advantage.
I thought this friend was different, but the truth always come out in the end.
As Friedrich Nietzsche said :
"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you."
In a way, I lost multiple friends. The friend I thought I had, the friend I could have had, and the friend I will never have.
It always surprises me that no matter how completely empty I feel inside and think I am, someone manages to find something new to tear out.
And people wonder why I prefer to be alone.
