Life after hospital

You're right i think we will spend the afternoon together at the beach tomorrow.--- what a wonderful idea @BlueBay xx

Thanks @pip, i am not interested in intimacy or sex at all. Gee now this is being so honest. I hope that with this new psychologist who is a female will help me.

I won't even think about that, i think for us just spending time together and doing things together at the moment is enough. I know he is so stressed about his mum in aged care with dementia. And then me with a mental illness.

slow steps is what i need to do. I did have a chat with him when i was in hospital (July) and he said he was okay with that (intimacy/sex).

Is it the child abuse, my age and me; hormonal, start of menopause. I am sure i will be talking to my new psychologist about this.

thank you for your post.

HI @BlueBay

Oh boy! Your life changes so fast - no wonder you come unstuck at times

I am still feeling exhausted with sinusitis - breathing is really hard work -so I have had time to give your life-issues some thought - away from the computer - and I think you are exhausted with so many things - it is terribly hard to stay on even keel with so much happening

So - just a couple of things - your husband - of course he wants to be intimate - but you are not ready - and I have to go back a long time to remember that I reached a stage when it was just not on - when I returned with my dd to care for both my kids I only went back to the house - not to the marriage - and to make this plain I had a Yale lock put on my bedroom door -

Naturally my husband did not like this - but I told him our marriage was over - I needed his help to manage our son - I could not care for both the kids alone - and he said he wanted some "affection" - and I did not read this at all - affection to me is like confection - sweet and unnecessary - things had gone too badly between us and he had not been listening to me -

But I don't think you have reached that stage yet - but regardless of where abouts you and your husband are in this part of your lives - it's not a case of having sex when one of you feels like it - both of you have to feel like it - and I do remember you saying something about couples counselling - it is worth trying that

About your kids - my son died when he was 16 and my dd left home at 17 - so I did not have adult children in the house - however I did a course in Systematic Training in Effective Parenting and that's a lot to do with "Whose problem it is" - and you need to have a meeting with your kids - and tell them that they are old enough to care for their own clothing and shoes - and yes - you leave their clothes in the bedroom and all over the floor if they choose - and only wash them if they are in the dirty clothes hamper - and for their shoes - if they leave them on the floor where people are walking - you will throw them outside

I think they will catch on fast - they are behaving as if they are spoilt brats - I don't think they are - they sound like really nice young people - but they need to care for their own things are help out more when you are not at all well -

I think I understand where you are coming from - I remember the time in my life when there was too much stuff happening - and the sorrow I suffered about the way my parents treated me tore me through and through - I think this is why I care so much about what you are going through - and I have really thought a lot about you since the last time I posted - which was some time yesterday

It is soul destroying to have your mother treat you the way she does - and your father is not going to stand up for you - I know this tears you down and it is a terrible situation. Other people have been through it too - but I wonder - if people have not how can they understand the pain you are in - and now this is really working it's way to the top and you are struggling because you are really getting it now that you have to accept this - and I know - I didn't want to - and you don't want to either

I remember being told to let it go - and I could not - it hurt too much to let it go. I understand this at such a deep level - I remember how I screamed at my father when this reached the end with him - he realised I had never lied to him and I had certainly never yelled at him. It was a terrible row but he came around - maybe this will happen for you - I hope so - but I think your mother has too much power - but I don't know that

I do know that things were never fully resolved between me and my mother - but she suffered - yes she did - and you are not the only person in your family who will suffer.

My hope is that taking charge of things at home and trying to let the pain of what your parents have done become less over-powering - and what your mother has done is terrible and your life is really hard atm

I think about you a lot - I like you - I really feel for you - I can't possibly know how you feel but I have an idea of how terrible it is

Lots of hugs

Decadian

@BlueBay

Just reading back thru posts I missed ....

You have been amazing ❣

Enjoy your trip to the beach, our girl ... 😊

Tip for the shoes - buy a nice basket and chuck 'em all in there. It shouldn't take long for the kids to start putting them in there as they come and go. It's easier to being the solution to the problem when you've got adult kids. They don't have a high priority on tidiness ....😠

I have bought a huge stack of cheap plastic wash baskets. Wherever I find a build-up of junk somewhere in the house, I stick a basket under it. When the kids come looking for their stuff, my answer is, "try the basket at the end of the hallway". They go and check. It's not there. "Ok, try the basket outside your bathroom door". It's not here. "Ok, try the basket in the garage ...." :face_with_rolling_eyes:

It becomes like a treasure hunt, but they don't like playing .... 😆 It gives me a laugh cos they are the ones doing the running around and whinging instead of me. Best way to try to change their habits.

Same with lateness. I sit in the car at the end of the driveway with a coffee and some knitting so I'm not available to "just bring them this, or just bring them that", and fume about how late we are to leave. It throw the pressure back onto them to get their act into gear. Takes quite a while to have an effect, but it does work.❣

@pip .... oh yes .... I can relate ❣

When my kids need something from me, like a lift somewhere, that's when I ask them to go pick up all the shoes next to the basket and put them in it ....

Then I get ....

Ak: What ? Put the other kids' shoes in the basket too ? Why should I ?

Me: Because it will save me having to do it before we go .... "

AK: You don't have to do it before we go. Do it when you get back.

Me: I want it done before we go. We all live here. We're all responsible for keeping the house tidied up.

AK: I don't have time.

Me: It will only take you 20 secs .... I'll wait ...."

AK: Why can't you just do it ??

Me: I do so much around here already ....

AK: I'm not picking up anyone else's shoes. They can do their own."

Me: I'm asking you to pick them all up this time. Next time I'll ask one of them to pick them all up ..."

AK: I need to go !!

Me: It's taking you longer to argue about the shoes than to just do it ....

Shoes get thrown into the basket in and temper ....

Outcomes ....

The shoes end up in the basket and I haven't had to do it.

They start grousing at each other to put their shoes into the basket ... "so Dragon Mother isn't asking me to pick up your shoes too ...!"

I target that chore for a couple of weeks until my way rules ..... at mealtimes too .... "Oh good. You're hungry. Yes, the roast smells soooo good ! Now .... everybody go and put your shoes into the basket and then we'll start .... "

Chorus of "Grooooaaaannnn .... !!"

Shoes in the basket ❣