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Life after hospital

BlueBaySenior Contributor16 Aug 2016, 12:41 pm AEST

Life after hospital

Hi @NikNik@CherryBomb @Decadian@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@Silenus and everyone else I have forgotten (i am sorry my memory is not good)

Life after hospital???

I really don't know. I was in hospital for 3 weeks and I did hibernate for the first 3 days sleeping most of that time. I had a change of meds which took a while to work out the strength. Then my BP was doing weird things and they changed those meds as well. I was totally exhausted and I don't know if I will ever get better.

I did eventually join in socially and do groups but unfortunately the groups triggered a lot of memories of my childhood abuse,, my mum and how she has treated me, so I used to walk out in tears. I seemed to be crying and sleeping quite a lot. Self harming was on my mind a lot and i was 'looked after' really well by the staff. Often they would pop in my room and just chat but at times all i wanted to do was cry and sleep.

My discharge yesterday was emotional, i didn't want to leave my safe place, my peace and quiet. I tried the night before something terrible and wrote a note to one of the night staff who sat down with me in my room and he told me I don't believe in myself enough that i am strong but i don't see it.

I saw so many people from all walks of life suffering in silence. I came home on the weekends and couldn't even look at the house as it was untidy or not how i would keep it. so after a bit of cleaning i decided no i wanted to go back to 'my safe home'.

Today i had to see my GP and was falling asleep, i told him i am not sure if it's the meds and he said i am still exhausted.

I just feel like crying. Having horrible nightmares at the hospital was so bad that i was too scared to close my eyes, but i had the best male night staff who sat with me and made me a hot milo and gave me some meds to calm down and go off to sleep.

I am so axious about work tomorrow, but i have no money, no sick leave and no annual leave. tried centrelink but they are useless as my hubby earns just over the threshold. so on top of finances and my health i feel i am still not the best.

I wasn't gooing to come on here so soon but i needed to talk to someone as i am home alone. the only good thing that kept me going was knitting.

God i wish i could jusst go away, need to stop these negative thoughts.

Anyway i just wanted to say hi, i am still here and i am sorry if i have forgotten someone's name - i think my exhuastion and meds are affecting my concentration and memory.

I really don't kow how i will cope tomorrow.

i am so scared and anxious.

You were all probably hoping for me to be jumping up and down with glee - if only.

ps. another thing we are signing papers to sell our home this week; that's one good thing i suppose, just the packing is overwhelming.

394 replies

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In response to: Life after hospital

BlueBaySenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 4:55 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@utopia
Sending you a great big hug.
I'm overwhelmed and terribly sad today but I'm laying my bed listening to calming music.
Kids and I took hubby out earlier today for coffee and cake. Kids spoilt him. I'm resting quietly. Everyone is leaving me alone including jersey dog.
Hope you are ok with today.
Xxxooo

In response to: Life after hospital

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 5:07 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@BlueBay. I'm ok with fathers day. I used to hate having to visit him on this day when he was alive. I'd be trying to fill in an hour at his house - lots of uncomfortable silence.
I'm glad your hubby got spoilt. Even better that the family is acknowledging that you need your ME time alone (even the dog).
What sort of music calms you down or soothes you? I like a lady named Cecelia - she is a Norwegian opera singer (I don't like opera)- who also happens to release the odd cdwith inspiring music. She has a voice that sometimes sounds like an angel. Her notes can lift me up, raise the hair on my arms, move my soul & make me weep with joy. I listened to her a lot when I went to hospital and needed some joy in my day.

In response to: Life after hospital

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 5:58 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

Hi @utopia .... 😊

I managed a round-the-bridges walk this morning, which is always a good way to start the day .... if I have the time free, and if I have the energy for it .... takes about an hour and a half ....

Then it was off to church (toppin' up my faith n hope) .... and out for lunch with the family .... now I'm "as full as a boot" as my mum would say .... and have slothed myself off to bed for the rest of the afternoon ....😊

Thinking of you .... 💜💕 .... Mothers Day is a Memorial Day for me, having lost my mum 15 years ago this week .... I think it takes this long for the grief to soften into a more mellow state.

💐💕💐💕💐

In response to: Re: Life after hospital

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

Oooops @utopia .... just read your next post and realised you weren't that close to your father from the sounds of it ....

Will have to look up that singer .... I like Kate Bush and Enya ....🎼🎹💜

@BlueBay .... good to see you taking action over your feelings today ..... sending you hugs Hun ....

💜💕

In response to: Life after hospital

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 6:56 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@Faith-and-Hope. No I wasn't particularly close to my dad. I'm happy he died. Because it means he is no longer in pain. He was tortured by his MI.
My mum on the other hand, who loves and helps me and drives me crazy - that would be different. When it's her turn to go, I think I'll mourn til the end of my days.
I'm sorry you lost your mum so long ago. Do you have happy memories of her? Did she believe in the church like you? Does faith bring relief?
My family are not of any faith. But when my dad died, I said, next time (reincarnation) god is going to give him the best life ever, because this one was just so hard for him. That made me feel better.
You really did put in a huge effort today. That's a great walk. My walks are still 10 to 15 minutes. But I got a heap of weeding done with the help of my son. And the sub shone today. So it was perfect. Exept for the odd rose prickles still embedded in my fingers.
Enjoy your rest. Hope your bed is as comfortable as mine.

In response to: Re: Life after hospital

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 7:34 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

utopia wrote:
@Faith-and-Hope. No I wasn't particularly close to my dad. I'm happy he died. Because it means he is no longer in pain. He was tortured by his MI. - I can understand that @utopia .... I imagine that would have brought a sense of relief. I don't want to ask personal questions .... but I had a grandmother who suffered from an undiagnosed and untreated mi .... and I'm sure there was little understanding or relief in those days. It impacted on all her relationships ... but perhaps not always in a negative way. Maybe that was the reason behind my mother's great sense of compassion and empathy.

My mum on the other hand, who loves and helps me and drives me crazy - that would be different. When it's her turn to go, I think I'll mourn til the end of my days. - that's how I feel about my mum .... but it has soften across this span of time.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so long ago. Do you have happy memories of her? - definitely 💜❣

Did she believe in the church like you? - Yes

Does faith bring relief? - definitely 💜❣. There is still a sense of soul-connection with her ....
My family are not of any faith. But when my dad died, I said, next time (reincarnation) god is going to give him the best life ever, because this one was just so hard for him. That made me feel better. - I have a personal belief that we carry memories forward genetically as a part of our DNA .... that we have a sense of "reincarnation" because snapshots of our ancestors lives emerge in our consciousness, possibly in response to triggers .... if there is any truth to that, then you are blending the better lives of you and your mother with your father's into the genetic inheritance of your children ongoing .... live well for him .... 💜

You really did put in a huge effort today. That's a great walk. ..... ✅😊

My walks are still 10 to 15 minutes. But I got a heap of weeding done with the help of my son. .... ✅😊 .... weeding is great exercise too .... And the sun shone today. So it was perfect. .... ✅☀️

Except for the odd rose prickles still embedded in my fingers .... 💋
Enjoy your rest. Hope your bed is as comfortable as mine. .... ✅😏

In response to: Life after hospital

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 8:40 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@Faith-and-Hope. Wow you definitely have a computer. I'm using my mobile to access this forum and I can't do what you can. Looks fancy and made your response feel special.
Dad didn't have the best childhood. His father suspected of harming children. Watching my dad and his siblings, I believe they were hurt badly by their dad. Then Vietnam. Couldn't hold a job down for years. Mum had to support us all on youth wages. Didn't get adult wage til 21 then. Dad was in and out of a public hospital, but put in the Viet Veterans wing. Undiagnosed PTSD for more than 20 years. By then they couldn't treat it very well (thank god things are improving all the time). So he waa over medicated - sometimes to the state oof being a zombie. He wanted people around, but couldn't stand it when they were.
I've realised recently that my best memories of dad were when he was drunk as a skunk. Just didn't realise it at the time.
My son will not havd to go through what I have. I hope that by getting better a little more each week, that he may be more resilient that I was & that he will see that there is no obstacle to big that we can't go over or around.
Thank you for your comments re: reincarnation. It has always brought me a sense of calmness. And I love knowing that you have a soul connection still with your mum. That is so special. They don't die in our hearts and minds.

In response to: Re: Life after hospital

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 8:55 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@utopia

I am an artist, in and around a busy family .... 🎨 ..... but I don't need to support myself with it after a lifetime of business commitments have set us up well enough that I can produce work for the love of it .... the down side of that being that my ability is not taken seriously by some .... relegated to a "hobby" status .... 😠

It is all too easy for the commitments of a large family and unexpected dramas to take over, so I have adapted to being arty in ways other than production of work ..... art has a lived experience quality to it for me .... and I have found I can be artistic with my lil 'ol iPad ..... 😊 .... I think most of the same facility is available through a desk-top computer, as there is a bar of options across the top of the posting box here .... which includes colour of text choices and a limited range of emoticons ..... my other emoticons are available on the in-house keyboard of the iPad .... 😄❣

When I am out and about, it feels like one hand is tied behind my back when I am using my phone to access the forums .... and that's when I make the most spelling mistakes as well .... tiny buttons, big fingers, tiny text, squinty eyes .... lol .... 😆

🌷💜

In response to: Life after hospital

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 9:09 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@Faith-and-Hope. Lol. You can tell I use my old mobile. I have mistakes in almost every post. Your right. Keys too small. Makes my finger look huge.
I'd be insulted if I had a passion for something eg: art & people treated it as a hobby. You are lucky to have discovered your passion and have some time to persue it. I don't have an artistic bone in my body. But I'm hoping to discover my passion, as I continue to have improved health

In response to: Life after hospital

utopiaSenior Contributor04 Sept 2016, 9:12 pm AEST

Re: Life after hospital

@BlueBay. How are you after your quiet rest?
I still can't get over the fact even your dog gave you space. With my three dogs, I always have one wanting attention and trying to climb all over me. A bit like having a toddler in the house. Lol.
Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

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