Life after hospital

I am really glad to hear that your blood pressure is down @BlueBay .... that means something is going in the right direction here .... ✅💕

It sounds like you have done a lot of processing with your psych ... but it also sounds like it will take some more chipping away at changing responses and mindsets that are holding you back.

Rome wasn't built in a day .... keep taking those baby steps .... and keep knitting beautiful things .... ❣

Hugs ...

🌷💜

Hi @BlueBay

Sometimes life is like the salt-mines - it burns your eyes and makes you tired and you are buggered, sleep a long time and then wake up to face the same again

I have been in a place where I asked myself why I ring Life Line only to tell the same story - which is okay - but I started to get really bored with it - and maybe I wasn't going back to the beginning - just seeing it as it might sound to someone else - which was not fair on anyone at all - esp me

But here's the thing - we only need to do things when they are working for us - if talking to Life Line on-line is making your feel bad - how do you feel when you actually talk to them? Does that help

I suppose the question your psyche is asking is stirring you up - but you know he's right. Whatever you feel is so bad you can't write it here is stirring the whole thing up for you - then that is where your pay-dirt is - and you only write what is okay for you - we can work from there and know you are getting somewhere

I can't write all I would like to - there is something I find it hard to tell anyone or even mention if they already know - so I understand - and we do not have to bare our souls - just tell people we have something tough in the past - or in our thoughts

We all do - if we were honest - we all think things at times that we do not want to be judged about - and if that's how it is - yeah - acknowledge that to yourself

And great that your BP was okay - even when you had such a bad headache

This time will pass -

Decadian

@Decadian @Faith-and-Hope @NikNik @CherryBomb and other moderators

I've been doing something all my teenage years and still to this day. I am so ashamed, embarrassed to say this but i want to know if there are any others out there that do the same. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with my BPD.

I fantasise and make plays. I don't and never have fantasised sexually but i always play act on my own that i am being rescued, i am needing people to help and rescue me. In these 'acts' i pretend that i am so desperate for help that i would do anything to hurt myself and even pretned to be on a cliff screaming and asking for help.

This is so hard to explain, but this morning i woke up and thought 'this is what i was doing as a teenager, i remember'.

so it is delusional thinking, fantasy, make believe, attention seeking (which i don't see it as that)

it sounds really stupid doesn't it, i am an adult yet i still pretend to be saved by someone.

And why 'saved' or 'rescued' - does it relate to my childhood abuse.

i told my psych something yesterday but didn't tell him about my teenage years and what i used to do and still do.

i need to tell him now but i have to wait for another 3 weeks. can't wait that long.

i don't want to be judged, i just needed to tell someone.

and why do i do it?

even last night i lit the stove with a match and just glared at the lit match and started to have negative thoughts - but that stopped pretty quick.

Why does life have to be scary at times.

OK i have written it down here now for everyone to read - i don't know what to think about it; it just doesn't seem right to me to be doing this.

also had a shit night last night, very very light sleeping, kept waking up all the time.

hoping work will be okay today.

Hi @BlueBay

Not making light of your post .... just thought this might be a distraction you will enjoy ....

Hope your day picks up .... 🌷💜

I often think in mind-pictures @BlueBay .....🌷

Last year I kept imagining that we were staying by a beach, and there were signs of a tsunami coming, but nobody would listen to me .... it was my mind trying to deal with the fact that nobody would hear me that WH was so ill, and our relationships were all going down ..... 😔

That mind image is telling you to keep calling out for help, which is what you are doing ....❣

Through your treatment your mind will find its own release from these sort of fantasy scenarios ....💕

In my experience, it's our amazing bodies finding their own way to express inner pain and bring it to the surface without overwhelming us ....💐

Keep swimming ..... 🐠🐠🐠

Do you think Jersay would do a dress-up like this for afternoon tea ? What are the chances ? 😆

❤️💕

I hear you @BlueBay

I don't think there is anything at all to be ashamed about - this is something you wish could happen

It's easier and somehow far more socially acceptable to have a physical injury or disorder - or be lost in the bush or isolated on a cliff than to have mental disorders and be lost in your thoughts and fantasies

So this is wishful thinking - it is your mind knowing you need to be rescued from the dark shadows your life has in it - things that you cannot change and wish and hope and pray for rescue -

And the tough part is - there is no rescue - it has to come from within yourself

We all have fantasies - they are part of being human. They are the consequence of our knowing our human state and we are alone in knowing our mortality - and our fragile state of being.

It took courage to tell us this - and thank you for trusting us - life can be very hard - and we are alone in so many different ways

We only have so much power over a match - we can strike it or not, let it burn for a short time or blow it out - let it burn away entirely in an ash tray and it is gone.

You are not alone in needing help with your broken life - we see it here - you tell your story well

Fear not - your rescue shall eventually come from within -

I am sending my love

Decadian

@Faith-and-Hope

How cute xxx

Hi @Decadian

It did take a lot of courage to type it up. Believe me it was hard. But i needed to. I have just emailed my therapist who i am seeing tomorrow about this and hoping he will help me.

How is my rescue going to come from within? i don't understand.

Ah @BlueBay

Thanks for asking - this is not easy to explain

Because the rescue will not and cannot come from without - it has to be something we work on ourselves - and I think I did it this way -

I had to find a way to help me cope with the spinal pain I am in - so I imagine myself walking through beautiful but sometimes hostile landscapes - I have to care for myself and my imagination creates all sorts of helpful things - not all work - but over time practise makes perfect and yes - I told my psycho-therapist about this and she was impressed.

We are the only person who can rescue ourselves - so imagine yourself falling down a clifff and finding a way out yourself - no one is there to help so you know you will either die or crawl to safety - so you will - or you won't - rescue yourself

While you are doing all this work with your medical team you are working on that right now - and as you go through this is certainly is not as dramatic and exciting as a movie or a documentary - it is far harder and not at all fun - yet it is the only way.

It's really hard - but you are doing that now - and you know it's hard. Your fantasy-life is showing you how deep your wounds are - and you are telling us - and all the time the picture is coming clearer - to me - I hope to you

The idea is to keep having a fantasy life - it's normal to have day-dreams and imagine the way you would like things to be. This is the creative side of our lives as humans - the trick is to have a positive trick - the idea that it's is all up to you and you will find that strength inside yourself to rescue yourself

I have never imagined myself to be on the Titanic - but the thought of being on a sinking ship is pretty scary - and if I was I would do ANYTHING to survive - watching the movie is pretty dynamic

It has taken me ages to write this - so please let me know if it makes sense - and I will try again.

Positive thinking is not easy to start but it can become a habit - we have good habits and bad habits - and we can change our habits - but positive thinking is a far more complex concept that "thinking positive" - we need some leadership in the positive thinking mode

And I am sure your medical team will help you with that - it would be a big stride forward

You have come such a long way - and other people here can see that too - you could not have written what you did if you had not moved so far forward

My thoughts are always with you

Decadian