Moving forward

Thanks again @eth. It does often help to read that I am not alone with some of these things. I'm really glad that your relationship with your child has worked out so well. i really hope you pick up soon as well. At the moment I am struggling with the swinging moods the most I think. Some days I feel like I'm improving and others I get angry and frustrated that I can't seem to move forward at all. I suppose this will happen for a while yet. Thanks again for your support and reading my rant. I have an appointment tomorrow so hopefully that will help. Take care of you💜😊

You take care too @Former-Member. I hope your appointment is a good one. I'm off to bed now. Nite nite 🙂

It is a significant anniversary @Former-Member and deeply personal to you .. as you do remember the date maybe treat it like an grief anniversary ... grief anniversaries are my main ones ... I count years of not SH ... but that is vague and I dont have an anniversary for it ... an attempt is about serious sadness and loss ... before that you had never crossed that line against self preservation ... but also if you think too much about it ... the thought gets laid down deeper ...

But you could pick flowers and put them in a vase to celebrate your life force pulled you through .. or ... some other act .. that does not need to be known by the kids .. something that helps and calms you without dissociating or triggering.

For me healing from grief and important anniversaries ... comes when I can remember and reflect but it becomes more nostaligic and less full of strong pangs of pain and floods of tears ... it is just a gentle moving away from painful memories .. and having more positive things to think about .. and cherrypicking my memories about my loved ones ... in my case its important to cherrypick.

Thanks so much @Former-Member. I think your point about not functioning at the same level all the time is really helpful. I think since I handed in my stuff and got into the mindfulness program I've probably assumed I had to make everyday better than the last and I've just realised that's impossible to do after reading your post.I know I haven't really begun to find a purpose for me being here yet but have gone on my therapists faith that it will work out. 💜😊

@Appleblossom I think today was more of a milestone than an anniversary for me but I did like your idea of flowers to maybe connect that milestone with thoughts of survival. I guess the reality was that it was three years with having dark thoughts for much of it, for existing and not living. To tell the truth I didn't realise until this afternoon that it was the anniversary today but I'd had a day of such dark angry thoughts that I'd tried to counteract and so there was this huge internal battle going on all day. I guess when I realised the anniversary date I felt lost and gutted.

I think your way of dealing with all your difficult anniversaries sounds like a positive way to deal with them. I admire your ability to find ways to deal with such things. I hope you are ok today💜😊

I slept most of the day .. made a few plans for the week ... cleaned and will cook soon (its 12.30 midnight) .. kitchen was empty of utensils .. had put it off for 4 days ...

I think it is useful to realise that certain times of year we might be more delicate ... easily floored ... when I am aware of that .. I dont get taken by surprise by the intensity of my feelings .. and make plans and put self in cotton wool a bit ... which is what i did for the "becoming a biological mother" anniversary which just passed... and I may have posted about elsewhere.

I have not gone back on the tranquilisers ... so I am glad that I am maintaining steady ..

thanks for asking how I am.

@Former-Member In a house full of boys .. it can be self affirming to have a few little rituals to please yourself ... as the head female ... rather than kids all the time ... you have the artistic side ... so explore it ... in snippets maybe if you cant do a whole course ... but start sending your thoughts in that direction .. for what kind of aesthetic you want ... and what you want to achieve ... eventually ... what your palette is ... your style ... maybe on a corner of the kitchen bench or dresser ... or more out of the way spot.

Thanks @utopia. Parents guilt is a killer. I also have guilt for my parents who are aging and could do with my help but instead are preoccupied with helping me often to the detriment of their health as well which adds to my pot of guilt. I guess today also marked the end of my relationship with my ex. I haven't dwelled on it but it is still there in the background. He was and probably always will be the love of my life but love wasn't enough for us to survive the events that took place. Maybe as I'm writing this though I can find the silver lining on this in that I am winning against the odds having DPD that I'm still here and still single. Thanks for reading my dribble. Will catch you later💜😊

Can I set a bit of a challenge for you @Former-Member .... ?

You are such an empathetic and compassionate person at heart, and yet you are standing aside from that for yourself. I don't know whether you have considered treating yourself as worthy of receiving the same courtesy, empathy, compassion etc that you naturally respond to others with ....

Its actually the key to becoming your own best friend, and that might be the puzzle piece you are missing here ....

It you are offering that level of care to yourself, what would you naturally do for a friend grieving an anniversary date ? Buy / pick her flowers ? Go to her house for a coffee or take / meet her out somewhere ? Take some time to try to lift her mood and distract her ? Try to help her discover ways to turn the sense of loss into a celebration of life instead ?

On the anniversary of my mother's passing over, I buy or pick flowers for a vase in my kitchen. I bake recipes she was known for - a cake for us all to share or give as a gift to someone else, make a dish for dinner that she used to cook as a family favourite, place some sentimental things on a tray next to the flowers in the kitchen, light a candle ....

So, on that principle, perhaps this day is one where you can dress in your favourite colour, or wear your favourite boots / T-shirt / jacket / something new .... wear your favourite perfume .... take yourself out for coffee .... with your close friend .... buy a new pair of jeans .... cook your favourite meal .... make or buy a cake, even if it's a cupcake .... put a tray of @Former-Member stuff together to just look at and appreciate .... light a candle.

Try to think of "girlfriend" stuff you can do for yourself. Maybe take yourself to an art gallery, or a movie, and buy yourself popcorn .... go to a coffee shop somewhere else that you usually wouldn't go which might mean a rpdrive to somewhere new .... visit a tourist attraction (be a tourist in your own town) .... go to the zoo or an aquarium centre .... some of these things your phams visitor might be a part of ....

I hope this list is not too long, so as to be overwhelming .... just wanted to give you some food for thought .... and it might need some time to settle with you ....

💗🌷💕

@Appleblossom Over the last three years I have become so lost and disconnected with myself. I have forgotten much of my life from prior to 5 years ago when I first came undone. I am hoping to do the art program next term where I will be trying to find a new creative outlet.

I'm glad you are holding your own at the moment with your current difficulties and anniversaries as well.💜💐😊

@Faith-and-Hope I see you around and send you many hugs and hope tonight went ok. Sorry I didn't get back. I was preoccupied with my head and stuff. I'll catch up tomorrow no doubt. Really hoping you are ok. 💜😊💐