Moving forward

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@Teej wrote:

This post is going to be all over the place. I don't know what I hope to get out of posting it. Part of me knows I'm looking for a magic wand and part of me knows I'm just feeling really confused and want to have some light shed on what I'm feeling. As I just acknowledged on another post it is 3 years to the day that I tried to take my life and for the past three years that still fills my head so much. I'm trying to talk myself into moving forward but I always still keep coming back to the darkness. There are so many questions I have right now.

do you ever get past thinking about ending it?

how do you start living for you and not for others?

Is there ever a point where you move on from just surviving?

how do you ever feel like you belong on earth?

I know I am supposed to feel like I'm moving forward but on days like today it doesn't feel like that, it just feels like an old record is playing in my head. It makes you think that you're kidding yourself that anything will ever change.

I guess my biggest question though is what does moving forward feel like?

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ah @Former-Member.. closest I ever got was wondering 'why bother waking up' a few times

I don't know if I am doing much but surviving

I don;t ask re whether I belong

I tend to live to much in 'now' good or bad to ask myself stuff like that

When things get really bad, fear seems to get me moving. It has it's uses I guess

and for the last one, best I can do is feeling safe, mostly happy well mostly not unhappy

I guess I don't ask too much of myself and the world except not to feel like crap all the time, having somewhere to live, and something to pay bills with, food etc

No, I'm not a monk, just lazy I guess, and have no dependents

and yes, had a friend who died a few years ago, and it may have been self inflicted, but I don't know if it still has that much of an effect on me. Had sorta said goodbyes ages before, I do still think of them from time to time tho

Thinking of you @Former-Member. I agree with all of what @utopia says. It's been 18 years since I survived (just) and I still can't really talk about it, sorry. For me the biggest thing has been simply knowing I could never put my child through it again (they were 10) and knowing that many days are just about filling in the hours, 1 day at a time as they say - sometimes it's 10 minutes at a time. And many hours in one therapy or another.

Thanks @utopia,

i think that I've tried to talk myself into doing the things that make me feel ok but then I feel guilty because I'm not doing things that I should be like house work or parenting better or looking after family. It always seems to be 1 step forward, 1 step back. I know there are so many others that go through this as well. Thanks for your response. I know deep down I have to just have to get through these days. My therapist keeps telling me that everytime I don't act on my impulses it helps to rewire my brain. My brain is always a how and why brain which doesn't help my cause. You are helping me to find strength to keep going 💜😊

@TAB Thanks for your response. You know it helps sometimes just to see others thoughts on it. I think I wish I had a little more of your 'it'll happen' attitude and way less of the overthinking everything💜😊

.. @Former-Member I overthink often, just on a more nuts and bolts level maybe,. I stress out often and stress out at inaction, but more day to day stuff maybe

@eth. I didn't expect you to respond because I know it triggers you a bit. Thank you and I really hope I haven't triggered you in any way. I didn't know you had as well, I'm sorry that happened for you too. I guess I was learning to ride the wave better but just wondered if it ever stops. I know you are having a really hard run now too with the low amongst other things. I guess you sometimes go through this too. Thanks for responding but please don't ever feel like you need to if I trigger you. I know you're there to support me and am grateful for that 💜😊

..today was a good day for me though @Former-Member, did not much, but was more relaxed about it, ok maybe that was a bit more 'it'll happen' ..

It's ok tonight @Former-Member. I wanted you to know you are not alone in this. Some days are better than others. I don't feel triggered now but earlier tonight I read a post on another thread that brought up a lot of what I went through at the time in detail (i.e. same hospital procedures etc) so maybe that prepared me to open up a bit. The best advice I can give is to be patient and gentle with yourself. In some ways I wish I still had the busyness of parenting at home as that was my main focus for the years after, just trying to be a better parent. I didn't always do a good job of that, complicated by having undiagnosed bipolar 1, but my adult child and I are now good friends with wonderful communication and trust.

Its a great discussion thread @Former-Member

I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only person that as felt this way too and your not alone in feeling blah we have to learn to break this cycle.

I think the ways I have tried to move forward is to understand what as caused me to become stuck, and that for me is still a work in progress. The simple answer is taking action and creating life that you always wanted to have. I think some of the causes is what holds us back from achieving our goals.

I think learning to be your own best friend is important too and gaining clarity around moving forward. I think its wise to know we all have limitations too, and that we can't function at the same level all the time. Or otherwise we risk burning out or making our MI worse. Hope this helps a little. Btw I am so proud of you for the steps you are taking and keep going girl you are on the right track.