Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Moving forward

Unknown userMember13 Aug 2016, 9:20 pm AEST

Moving forward

As Monday looms I have been trying to work out how to move forward. Today I started collecting things for my coping box (thanks @Crazy_Bug_Lady). I bought some of my fave chocolates to put in and have been gathering bits and pieces. Happy for any other suggestions as to what to put in. I think I may need one for the car too. I'm thinking I may copy some pieces of wisdom from this forum and print them up to add in.

I'm hoping that I get to write more on this thread than the struggle thread as time goes by. Please feel free to add how you are moving forward as well. 💜😊

856 replies

261 - 270 of 856

1...26 27 28...86

In response to: Moving forward

DecadianSenior Contributor06 Sept 2016, 11:02 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

Hi again @Kurra

There is more than one kind of pride - the pride we have in doing something well - which we don't have to tout all over town - but rather keep to ourselves even - is not the same pride that comes before a fall

My mother had too many grudges - she was really proud of them - she could carry a grudge for years and enjoy letting us know that - esp when it was a grudge against a couple of her kids -

That kind of pride is wrong -

Having pride in something for the wrong reasons - that's what is wrong - and humility is a great thing. I have no doubt your humility is sound - you seem to be a person of quiet thought

I do remember reading what some actress said - a long time ago - it was wise as well as curt - it was

"Don't be humble - you're not that great" -

So for years I have liked that and wish I had brought the book or the card or whatever it was on

It is a puzzle of semantics @Kurra - pride and humility both have their place

I am proud of getting my degrees - but I can't be proud of the mind that helped me get them - that was a gift - but the work I put in through the worst years of my life - the work that kept me sane - yes - I am proud of that

Sleep well

Decadian

In response to: Moving forward

KurraSenior Contributor06 Sept 2016, 11:29 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

I too have achieved much through very difficult years of mental illness and I guess I am proud of what I've managed to achieve despite rampant bipolar. However I speak of internal pride. It's not something that defines me. I'm a pretty average everyday sort of person despite two degrees in totally unrelated disciplines.

I'm just as happy cleaning public toilets as I am lecturing in a tertiary institution as long as I've done the best job I possibly can. My career in academia got blown apart by mi.

Thete I was falling asleep when I got hit by agitation. I've taken meds to stop that in its tracks so it should settle soon. The forum is at least a good distraction.

Thank you for your compliment. I do tend to be a deep thinker tempered by a good dose of pragmatism. 💕

In response to: Moving forward

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 7:09 am AEST

Re: Moving forward

Yes thank you @Decadian.
This really helps me.
I think I'm pretty busy as it is, & minding extra kids to play in the street is too much when I have a one year old too. I dont get a full nights sleep, he still wakes, & some nights I purely don't sleep well anyway. I have A lot of issues my two eldest come home with after being at their dad's. He says horrible, degrading put downs about me & tells them to treat me as a door mat. This is years later. He is a grown man who does this. Just a disney land dad, that contributes nothing in any way. I drive over an hour to meet him at a police station. I really feel I can't add more to my load, when I do all the parenting, emotional,financial, without support.
I've got annoyed in past when people have a perceived idea of domestic violence, but when I discuss worries they actually have no idea at all. So I'm careful whom I place confidence in.
I've learnt a lot, capable of a lot but my qouta does push me!
Thank you @Decadian

In response to: Re: Moving forward

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 9:08 am AEST

Re: Moving forward

Sounds like difficult neighbourly expectations to me @Former-Member ..... and difficult to manage the convo to point that out .... but you are understanding your limits clearly and don't have to buy in to that expectation ....

I can give you a bit of a laugh here .....

I had neighbours for several years who didn't know I was married .... when j referred to my husband they must have thought I was referring to the father of my kids (I was .... 😆) but I hadn't realised that they had never seen him until we were packing up to move house .... they invited me over for a BBQ, and I said I would have to see if hubby could make it, even for half an hour ..... "Hubby ... ?? You're married .... ??" Yeah .... to a workaholic .... and no notebook computers in those days so he was always at the office .... and I was in our home office (amongst the kids) and we communicated by phone and email most of our days .... different take on "single parenting" ....

Thinking of you with that neighbour @Former-Member ..... gotta do what's right for you .... 🌷💜

In response to: Moving forward

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 9:23 am AEST

Re: Moving forward

Yes thank you @Faith-and-Hope, it's sure nice to have others see what I'm saying.
I woke early thinking omg this is becoming a bit larger than I expected.
No matter, I plan to speak how I feel & see how it goes.
The boundaries have been an issue & my partners tolerance is low on it all! 😂
Funnily enough your raising children scenario, neighbors etc is much like how I grew up!
I'm sure my dad was a fabrication of mums creation to some people! 😅.
Gosh poor mum!
Thank you for your thoughts much appreciated.
Err yes not a convo I'm looking forward to!

In response to: Re: Moving forward

DecadianSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 9:23 am AEST

Re: Moving forward

Hi @Former-Member

You have a heavy work-load just having three children - and having to do all the driving to co-parent is a big deal to start with - and then having to maintain your status as a decent person and the mother of these boys and not the door-mat has to be a problem - and you are worth a lot more to your boys than that - and this must be draining -

A non-contributing and disney-land dad - no caps - pain in the rear-end - but alas - here you are

Darn!

And yes - people really have no idea - unless they have lived with domestic violence how can they know - how can they understand - yes - we have to keep these things to ourselves.

It is far harder to get into a relationship than to get out of it - and being alone is one thing - I remember having a whining 7 yo wanting to go back and live with Daddy - yes - of course - she thought Daddy was great - until the marriage broke down completely 10 years later and she saw her father for what he was - totally boring.

I can only hope that in time your children will see their father for what he is - and of course - you do have far more on your plate with another child in the picture as well - you do not have time to add more to your work-load -

You do not need to police the neighbourhood children - I guess you will be asked to anyway. Saying no is hard -

Thinking of you

Decadian

In response to: Moving forward

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 12:07 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

I think my boys will see in time.
But it's a long time away. Years. My boys are still young.
I think teenage years they will realise dad is a drip.
It won't look cool, having your mates meet this man who is older, projecting all this stuff, and meet me, then think what the hell?!!
The two pictures are very different.
Also their dad won't like them having a mind.
He's incredibly controlling. Once he looses that.
He will possibly come undone.
But I can't concern myself with that anymore.
I have the years of heartache, quite a while ago.
I think I'll be honest with this neighbor.
To be honest I'm feeling a tiredness today, heavier chest.
You know my own mum let us play freely in the neighborhood but I never recall policing parents ever.

In response to: Moving forward

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2016, 12:08 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

Sorry @Decadian. Re: above. I am slow today!

In response to: Re: Moving forward

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 3:17 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

Kids are big on integrity @Former-Member .... just walk straight and they will work out who's who and what's what ....

There may be some aspects of their dad that they appreciate by the time they have grown up, but particularly if you refrain from "returning fire", they will work out that one parent is dissing the other in a one-way pattern .... and if you can raise them with an awareness that women tend to be fpvery giving and forgiving, but it's a gift when they are - not doormat status - they will also work out who did all the parenting hard-yards !!

Truth has an energy of its own .... comes to the fore eventually .... no matter how deep you might try to bury it ....

Discretion is another story .... you can quietly carry your truths with discretion without needing to reveal them to anyone on more than a need-to-know basis ....

🌷💜

In response to: Moving forward

utopiaSenior Contributor07 Sept 2016, 3:55 pm AEST

Re: Moving forward

@Former-Member & @Faith-and-Hope. I agree. Kids grow up. They notice comments and the way their parents treat others.
I have tried hard to keep the lines of communication open between my son and his dad. I have encouraged their relationship because that is what my son wanted and needed at the time.
He's 14 now and tells me how dad sits on the couch, while his new wife does everything. Doesn't get his own drinks and never offers toget our son one. My boy is noticing that he doesn't like this behavior. He's also aware dad doesn't come to his sporting or music events. Doesn't know what he studies at school or who is friends are.
We can't always protect our kids from the hurt the other parent can inflict.
But we can show them respect, teach them responsibilities, listen to them and show them love.
Children will learn what is right or wrong by watching both parents.
Do your best and they will love you in return.

261 - 270 of 856

1...26 27 28...86