Moving forward

Today I discovered lots of things about myself in my counselling session. I had fallen back into the depths of darkness again and didn't know why. I seem to miss so much. My mood is really low right now but I am understanding more why I keep coming undone. How to stay 'done up' 😜 eludes me for now but I think I've been able to put the SI in its box for now again. I think most of my problem is still that I want to run before I can walk or others expecting me to run and I feel that pressure. For some reason I thought that I'd keep getting better each day since I left hospital and put too much pressure on myself to be miraculously better by now and let it build until I self destructed again. Much of today's session was about me beginning to learn about my inner critic. The challenge is on to separate her from me. Anyway I just thought I'd share that moving forward is much harder than I anticipated when I began this thread but it's not impossible, just lots of tumbles and baby steps I guess.

@Former-Member

How have you been going today?

I didn't sleep well last nite but considering that I actually manged quite well. I felt much better after my gym session tonight. Hopefully I will have a better nights sleep tonight.

Thinking of you

Take courage @Former-Member .... try to think of it like climbing at high altitude .... how thin the air is forces you to operate more slowly, even though under lower altitude conditions you would move faster ....

There will be time later for the lower altitude speed .... at the moment it's about staying safe by taking careful steps cos you're higher up the mountain, trekking back down. Slopes are a bit steeper up there .... easy does it.

💜🌷💕

@Former-Member I've had a really emotional day. I hardly ever cry or outwardly show emotion, it just boils up within but today I cried enough to need a tissue. I wanted to flick the switch and not feel any of the despair anymore but I think I'm getting stronger and over the course of the day have pulled myself together more. Crossing my fingers for your test results. I hope you sleep well tonight. I read on night shift you are getting close to getting back on your surf board. Well done 👍🏄💜😊

@utopia I thought of you today after my counselling session. It seems my inner critic is playing havoc with my life. My homework is to recognise her, find a name and identity for her. How was your day?💜😊

@Faith-and-Hope Thanks. I am still struggling that my only goals are to find routine, predictability and stability in my life. That is self care really and a few activities but I still suck a lot at this whole getting a routine thing. Running raids do help though. I hope you're ok. I think you are in need of a nice walk with coffee, carrot cake and dolphins tomorrow.💜😊

@Former-Member

I think you're right .....

💜😏🌷

Hi @Former-Member

Your journey atm seems to be high altitude - that was well said - I think that as @Faith-and-Hope - every mountain climber knows that working and walking and climbing up a mountain is harder and slower

It;s not even a case of sliding backwards up there - people have to live very gently on Mount Everest

However - it also seems you have an inner-critic - new expression - I will have to find a reason to use that myself - your inner-critic gives you a hard time - aw - they always do - there is no teacher in that classroom of life to stamp on your inner-critic - the inner-critic has free rein to do whatever - to bully and bitch at you - so hard

How good it would be not to have that - but then - it gets us to achieve

Reading what you write gives me a picture of someone in a maze - on a pretty high mountain - with lots of ups and downs and challenges jumping out at you - scary things like in a mirror maze - and your do what I do to a lesser extent - fold up - but as the weeks are passing it seems you are working through this - but it bangs you in the face often - nightmare at it's broad-daylight

Keep going - this is interesting - to me - to your it is pretty hard yards -

Decadian

Thanks for your response @Decadian.

My inner critic rules my life pretty much. It actually does the opposite of achieve, it stops me from achieving I think, well from what I've learned. Apparently it will never be silenced but maybe I will have more control to separate it out and not listen to it. It is all a learning curve. I've been so very fused with thoughts and emotions my whole life so there is much to learn and unlearn. I hope you are well @Decadian. How has your day been?

Your life is yours @Former-Member , kick 'critic' to kerb, serves no good purpose sounds .. know it can be a muddle, but be good for ..you.. you deserve it