Moving forward

I understand @Former-Member

Learning and unlearning - working out what to celebrate and what to ditch - hard stuff - I have spend years figuring it all out -

Once upon a time I was young - not clever as I am now - and I was often dazed about what my mother said. I rarely responded - and I think she would see something close down inside me - and maybe tried harder and harder to hurt - but she didn't know - never knew - how shattered I was inside

That poor old woman - it took a long time to unlearn what she was busy doing and saying to undermine me - I think I understand - life's a bitch and then we have another day - ah well - time does pass

So it was only last year that I told my psychotherapist I had poor self-esteem - and I did - but all my life I had reached out to things to make myself feel better - and they were - luckily - good things - not everyone has a break like that -

But yes - my psychotherapist was actually shocked when I told her that I had poor self-esteem - that was last year - what a waste of time - I had to wait until my mother died to know that I had probably found this life I live now in spite of her and because of her

I hope that you get to a place like this in the future - I have faith in people who battle the odds as you do - you have to find the light eventually - as I said - I used to be much younger - there is an advantage in having a few years where my waist used to be

Enough of that - I wondered whether to delete it - but no - I am a very recent member of getting past the dark places - in fact - I still have them

But how am I? This is the good part - I woke up crook - bad sinus presssure - and my doctor told me the name of a nasal spray that helped very quickly - I am hoping to have a better sleep tonight and not to wake up feeling so tired

I hope you sleep well too - we all need a good sleep - it makes an incredible difference

Decadian

@Faith-and-Hope,

im up for some dialogue re the filter, just wondering if we should start a new thread for this conversation as it seemed to spark so much interest before or if this thread is the best. Your thoughts?

PS no urgency for this, I'm not sure how full you plate is right now💜😊

Hi @Former-Member ..... 🌷💜

Its taken me a little while to come around to this one ....

It did surprise me to see how much interest that little word raised .... filter .... 😏

The thing is, if we start to explore this concept, its likely that 'filter' will branch to another key word before long, so it's probably easiest to keep it all under Moving Forward. Those whose interest has turned to this discussion already will know to find us here. ✅

I'm guessing the title is going to attract the attention of anyone feeling a bit stuck anyway .... does that make sense ?

I haven't checked @Faith-and-Hope but I think the things you wrote about the filter was on the struggle thread but I guess it won't matter as we will probably go over it again. I went into my therapy session today after giving her a heads up that I wanted to work on this but somehow 2 hours of therapy went past and we didn't really get to it. I guess I have lots going. I got heaps out of therapy today but just not this part, thus I think it would be good to maybe start thinking about it here.

Hi @Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope

The word "filter" came up at the same time as I wrote about getting migraine and triggered by something that was on TV - and this happens - triggers are always different so the idea of filtering what I will take on board makes sense and I like the word

If it is meant to be the expression will become a buzz-word here and find its way into our other conversations when have nothing to do with anything that has been said here. Words have a life of their own - and this might be a new one - we talk to our doctors and therapists - our friends and in passing - and if people get it - they will use it too

And without any effort or anything that we have discussed here - it will means something to other people

I notice language changes - is this my age - my uncle isn't that much older than me but now and again emails me about slang - so I ask myself - what is slang?

I don't think "filter" is slang - but like slang I think it is a powerful word - and it will be interesting to see if it comes to any of us from a different area of life -

But it was our word first - it was @Faith-and-Hope's creation

Decadian

@Former-Member

I am trying to find a starting point .... maybe it's worthwhile focussing on a physical filter, and what it's purpose is in everyday situations, before taking it from there into a metaphor ....

Think - coffee machine filter paper, cigarette filter tips, curtains, front door or security screens, a flour or sugar sifter ....

Their purpose is to let some things through, but to either prevent, slow down, or change the nature of what the filter is being applied to, before allowing them through ....

If you think of sifting icing sugar .... once the lumps have been broken down, the sugar is uniform enough for it all to go through .... but it still remains the choice of the person using the sifter (filter) as to how much they want to let through.

Is that a helpful way of approaching it ?

There are so many Metaphors for our emotional lives. I have mentioned about "sifting through" things last year ... it is a common idea for me .. as I go back to my geology years .. and sorting is a big issue in a range of rock formation ... deposition and crystalisation ..

Some of the sorting is simply particle size .. other times its due to the heat of the melt ...

Sorry I am a nerd ... but I hope its somehow relevant.

One lady liked to go on about how "hot" things are ... you know at the top ... but I must be more into analysis than the sex ...

@Faith-and-Hope I guess the one thing I learned today was that there are some things I need to apply a 'filter' or strategy for and some things I just need to accept as temperament and I can't change these but maybe avoid them if possible or at least don't put myself in the way of them.

How do you recognise the things you need to filter?

@Former-Member

The clearest way I recognise the need for a filter is through my emotional responses .... feeling hurt, angry, neglected, rejected, unappreciated .... and these are all negative things.

Rather than just blocking them out, it is important to ask the questions ....

Why did that comment / action / lack of response hurt me ?

Why did that comment / action / lack of response make me angry ?

Why am I feeling neglected / rejected / unappreciated ?

What can I do about it ?

Sometimes the answer to these sort of questions tells us that we have accepted responsibility for a behaviour that originated with someone else, and as such, the responsibility for how they behaved and what the outcome was belongs fairly and squarely back at their feet.

I can give you a simple example of that. If our ask someone to pass you something, and they throw it at you roughly, or plant it in front of you on the table in a hostile way, you have a choice as to how you respond.

You can calmly say "thank you" as if they passed it nicely, and give it no more attention .... this is using graciousness to rise above their action.

You can pick it up and throw it back .... this is using retaliation to express displeasure at how you were treated ...

You can stand up and walk away from the item as though it hadn't been given to you .... this is rejecting what you had requested as a way of rejecting the ungracious way it was delivered ....

These are all ways of dealing with, or filtering, the emotions evoked by the action.

Sometimes it's easier just to filter the people themselves, and not ask hissy people to pass you anything .... 😆

I guess I need practice to think past the emotions. It's taken over a year for me to learn and name my emotions, I actually had to look up emotion words a lot at the beginning. This appears the next step I guess - working out what is setting the emotions in play. It is along the lines of some of the stuff I've been introduced to over the last few weeks in therapy as well. That a thought always precedes the emotion. Am I right in thinking that I need to catch the thought so I can apply a filter and therefore change my response?

I laughed at the filtering of people 😂

Please don't respond tonight if you are tired or over it.