why do family relationships have to be so complicated.
i appreciate my family, but dang, it makes things so complicated. when my marriaged ended, they moved house so that my daughter and i could move in with them. it was so kind of them and i love having the support of them, especially now with my mi becoming so debilitating at times, i really appreciate them stepping up with my daughter and looking after her when i was in hospital. prior to our move late last year, we, my daughter and i had our own space in a self contained unit style appartment upstairs, but the landlord sold and we had to move. now we no longer have our own space and everything she shared.
i did consider moving out on my own at that point, but as a single mum, i couldnt afford it and i knew that the support that i received from my folks was needed, plus, my step dad is terminally ill, my mum doesnt drive and once he passes, my mum doesnt want to be on her own.
its a real struggle for me at the moment. i desperatly want my own place, my own space, privacy, i cant make a call without people hearing, i cant go out without being asked where i am going. but at the same time i appreciate the support. my mum has control over my current medication, although my gp has just given me a script for an increase in my ad, and wrote on the script for a 7 day supply to be given, so maybe this is one way of having some control back? having my folks around kinda make me a bit safer maybe? cause they can keep an eye on me, although i absolutely hate it and hate how much they fuss when i am really not well and they know it- i have been hiding alot of it recently. if i was on my own, would i be a lot more unsafe? or would be force me to be safe because i have noone to fall back on to help with my daughter?
it really do feel trapped in all of this.
i think about what my future is going to be.... once my step dad has passed, it will just be mum, my daughter and i. my mum is aging and has many health issues and it will be left to me to care for her. which of course i will do cause i love her, but there is a part of me that..... i dont know, just is depressing thinking about the future and whats ahead for me.
mum and i have hardly spoken all week, over such a silly thing. is just added stress on top of everything else that i am trying to deal with at the moment. just more to drag me down.
i called my local comm mh clinic today. when i was there last week, a peer support worker gave me his card and said to call if i needed anything. he offered to chase up a referral to PHN once it was made. so i called to speak to him to see if he could chase it up as my GP had faxed the referral earlier in the week. they had no idea who i was asking for. said there was noone there by that name.
i then called to make an appointment with a diff psych that has some experience with ed. my gp keeps asking if i made the appointment, i keep putting it off cause im not ready to face it, its all too much at the moment. but i called today and asked for an appointment with this specific lady and then i told the lady that i would be using an EDP, she said that the psych doesnt work with people who have ed and noone in their clinic does.
i just keep hitting a wall every time i try and get supports. comm mh wont see it, my psych doesnt feel she can support me anymore, the pdoc my gp sent me to just isnt a good fit for me, although my gp said to persist with him, at least until i get into someone else. i just dont know what else to do, where else to go. am i not meant to get better? im so tired of feeling this way. i woke this morning.... and that was an issue for me. i didnt want to. i didnt plan to. i havent sh in a few days, but instead i am self medicating and my ed has got worse. i have a horrible headache this afternoon.
