My Mosaic

I really struggled to eat dinner tonight. This morning when I had my blood test the pathology lady said that I needed to have the ECG, and that they would be back this afternoon to do them and that I needed to weigh myself before hand. Urgh. Do I guess? Do I ask a nurse to do it blindly.
I forgot about it with everything that happened in group and was in my room and a nurse came to get me for the ECG. Argh, I need to know my weight. I asked the nurse where the scales were as she walked down the corridor. I went and stood in front of them. I haven’t weighed myself in such a long time. I know that it will trigger me into a downward spiral by knowing those numbers. F. And then I had to tell someone else. And then be really vulnerable while laying on that bed. 😩
Dinner. Food. Eating in front of others. Not being able to serve myself. 😩😩

@Bow sorry you had to go through all of that hon.

Weighing yourself and seeing those numbers must be so hard. Hopefully with the ECG done that ECT can start as soon as possible. Quicker it begins, quicker your are finished.

I ended up jumping on the scales this morning, bad mistake.

Yeah hopefully @Snowie sooner it starts the sooner I can leave here. I’ve sunk a bit tonight. Not feeling too ok.

Are there any nice nurses you can speak too at all @Bow?

When I was in there were a few nurses I felt I could speak too, but it took awhile for me to open up.

I hope this passes soon.

@Bow oh gosh, that is such a triggering situation to have to navigate, so sorry you're going through it tonight. It's really rough to be dealing with something that is so... like, visible to the people around you. I hope you can get through it with minimal emotional heaviness, or at the very least you can get some support from the staff to help you through it. Here with you 💜

Haven’t really come across anyone that feels approachable yet @Snowie i don’t even know who my nurse is this afternoon/tonight. No one has come around to introduce themselves.
I just actually just writing in my journal…yes I am determined to journal every day!…. Some nurses… well only 2 so far, have introduced themselves as my nurse for the shift and made the passing comment that they are around if I need to talk. But I never have enough courage to go find them and ask to talk and I never really see them again. I wish…. And I guess I need… for them to check in with me and then maybe I would actually be able to say well no, I’m not doing ok at the moment. Is that asking too much?? I don’t know what the staff to patient ratio is here. But you would think that if it’s a mental health hospital the staff would be trained a bit more than the public ones.

Yep @Jynx …. I’m anxious about having to eat in front of people…. And then I’m anxious…. Paranoid … about them watching me be anxious about eating in front of them. Do I do what I normally do and pick at my food, push it around my plate, slowly eat. Or do I quickly eat so I can get out of there. But then I worry about what people will think of either of those scenarios!
Every. Single. Meal.

@Bow I hope you get to know some of the nurses soon and feel comfortable with a few.

I think they should be trained more in mental health especially since it is a specific MH hospital. But then again I think there should be a greater emphasis on MH with all nurses/doctors/specialists.

I find some were really good to talk too and some not so.

I wouldn't have the courage to go up and ask for help. It is a struggle just to say 'no, I'm not ok' if someone asks me. I totally understand hon. When someone asks if I am ok, I struggle to say the smallest word 'no'. It is so small yet so powerful.

Mmm it's hard @Bow wish sometimes we could just switch off our concerns about what others think. Though something that has helped me is to remember that people are typically thinking about us far less than our anxiety will tell us they are. I imagine most would be too occupied with their own mental health concerns to pay too close attention.

I hope that you do get to have a little check in chat with one of the staff soon, it's hard when they seem so busy. Maybe just starting off with 'hey I think I would like to chat' and from there you can work up to letting them know you're struggling. Not sure if it'd work that way but, who knows. You deserve to be able to get some connection and safe space to chat while you're there.

Yes @Snowie you are right. More health workers need training in mental health. And yes, saying no…. I’m not ok is really hard at times. Sometimes even when the doors is opened a tiny bit… it’s hard to stick our foot in the door as it’s closing.

@Jynx I connected a bit with one of the psychologist this morning. She actually works in community mh also and I had met her before. She asked me to stay back after the session on resilience and we chatted a bit. I told her who I was and who my old psych was and new one was. She then understood me better. It was kinda nice to connect with someone from my world a little bit. She is nice. She is back on Friday but I will most likely be having ECT then so probably won’t be in group.