My Mosaic

@Bow @Snowie @Eve7 @Chasingsunsets

Thinking of you all and hoping there are some things in your days that are helpful/grounding 💛

Hi @Snowie @Wintersweet @Eve7 @Chasingsunsets

didnt sleep well last night, but up to help D get ready for book week parade. She was excited. Had to whip the needle and thread out to adjust her shoes. We went down for the parade, waited for and watched her class and then left soon after.

been on the couch since. Got a text from the team leader SW, told her how I was feeling (not ok, told her about my psych and pdoc and that I was over it all), she replied with this long worded text saying that all these changes are not fair, that she’s here for me and we can do it together and wanted to check in with regards to being over it. I was honest in my reply. Then crickets. Why even bother? I mean honestly, why? I’ve had enough I can’t keep doing this anymore

@Bow

I’m really upset on your behalf that she didn’t message you back after you were honest about how you were feeling. If that were me I’d struggle with feeling betrayed (because they said they were there and then weren’t) and abandoned (because I was vulnerably honest with them and then didn’t hear back). I think you said you were seeing your CM tomorrow? I know they’re different organisations, but would it help to show her the messages so you can have someone in person empathise with how much that hurt and how it makes it harder to trust them going forward?

It feels unfair to ask you what you mean by your last sentence because of the guidelines. But I care about you a lot and really hope that if you reach out to a crisis line that you get someone who’s a good fit for what you need. 💛

Thank you for your message @Wintersweet i really appreciated what you said. I’m a bit emotional tonight, feeling very beaten down and that no one cares. That I’m too much. All I want is effective consistent support, is that really too much to ask for? It’s hard when your constantly let down.

Yeah sorry probably shouldn’t have written that but seems a lot goes unnoticed now. But it’s where I’m at.

how was you day?

Hey @Bow

I know things are really rough and that it's a massive let down to have someone say they are there for you, only to stop hearing from them.

I'm glad you are reaching out for some connection here. And I agree with @Wintersweet that if you are sitting with really heavy thoughts and feelings, it might be worth reaching out to a crisis line and talking it through with someone.

Please look after yourself and know that you are cared for very much <3

Thanks @Jynx but I won’t bother. If someone who’s supposed to care doesn’t why would I risk a random stranger. Many have made it very clear I am not worth it.

hello @Jynx 

@Bow

It makes sense to me why you’d be feeling that way. When someone who’s meant to be supporting you doesn’t follow through it’s going to hurt, even if there are other people who do care. It’s completely understandable to want consistency in your supports, and to struggle with being constantly let down.

And no need to apologise, I just wanted you to know that I was paying attention and that your safety matters to me. 💛

My day was ok, I had an appointment with my psych yesterday that went well and I’m trying not to panic in response to feeling a glimmer of hope. Which feels silly/ungrateful of me but I’m trying to be compassionate instead of judgemental towards myself 😅

@Bow

Sorry, I didn’t see your reply to Jynx before I sent my message. I can see why your experience with the SW would make it feel safer to not try contacting a crisis line and risk being disappointed again when you’ve had as much disappointment as you can handle for today. Will be thinking of you and hoping you’re able to get some sleep tonight.

No sorry @Wintersweet thank you, but yeah only so much disappointment I can handle in a be day. I’m watching tv and then I’ll go to bed I think.

im glad your appointment went well yesterday and I can totally relate to that sense of panic over things feeling a bit lighter. Bring compassionate towards ourselves is the hardest yeah?!

I am seeing my CM tomorrow afternoon and I have a Telehealth with my dietitian in the morning which I know will be helpful. She is always good and I often come away from my appointment feeling like I’ve had a proper therapy session.