My Mosaic

Thanks @Wintersweet

trying to be gentle with myself tonight. D is having her hot chocolate and biscuits and then going to bed and I’m go to follow her.

it’s hard to pick a favourite, but there is a daisy and lavender set that I really like. It’s a smaller set, but it’s cute and I happen to find a little yellow vase at ikea that suits in really well. The peace Lily is nice too, one of my favourite plants cause they are pretty hearty. And the latest sunflower set. They bought out sunflowers years back and they have improved it so much.

are you up to much tonight? Watching anything?

@Bow

Early bed sounds like a lovely way to be kind to yourself 💛

I love the sound of the daisy and lavender set! I actually have a peace lily in my office and yes, as a serial plant killer I can confirm they’re pretty resilient! I’m also a fan of sunflowers so I’ll have to keep an eye out for the new design so I can see how they’ve improved it 🌻

I’m also hoping for an early night tonight!

Went to my appointment with my interim CM this morning. Waiting room was empty upon arrival but as I went to sit down 2 ladies came out who had just been in to see someone. I headed to the opposite end of the room to them but unfortunately they sat and spoke loudly and proceeded to discuss how the younger one was being admitted cause of SI and ED and I heard all of it. The pdoc came out along with 2 other workers and continued to discuss it. The mother asked what happens if she runs? Next minute the girl is up, they tried to stop but no she got away. Commotion. Urgh.

unsettling

triggering

@Bow

That would have been super upsetting and understandably triggering! What happened next for you after that?

Hey @Wintersweet thank you

yeah I went in to see my CM rather shaken. It’s hard going in for appointments after stuff like that happens… it’s not the first time. Never know whether to raise it with them cause should kind just understand that stuff happens in a mh place like that.

I did get to ask my interim cm if my actual cm had left and she hasn’t. Thank goodness.

I came home and slept. Felt wrecked.

how are you?

@Bow

I’m glad your CM hasn’t left and that you were able to get clarity on that 💛

It does make sense that things like that would happen in a MH support setting, but it also makes sense that it would be triggering. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say something like “I know stuff like that is bound to happen, and at the same time I’m feeling really shaken right now.” Hopefully your interim CM would be able to hear that with compassion. If not, it’s not that you’re wrong for finding it hard. She might just be a bit on edge herself and quicker to get defensive as a result (which wouldn’t be helpful but doesn’t mean you’re wrong for feeling the way you do.)

Thanks @Wintersweet I will indeed try and remember that for next time. Two things can be true at the same time eh.

I had a really good phone call with my SW this afternoon. I don’t usually do phone calls well. I just hate them. But took a chance and it went alright. Felt supported. She mentioned the other SW and how she was going to fill in a bit while she was stuck down south. I really wanted to ask for how long but I didn’t. But she said that she would see if my old SW would be able to bring this new lady around like she did with her. That would feel so much easier, having a safe person to introduce me to her. She was concerned that my intake is very minimal still and she asked how long can this go on for and I said at times it can last for months.

how are you? How was your day?

hey @Snowie how did ECT go today? Not sure if your up at the snow yet but hope you have a great time

@Bow

It’s also really tricky to hold the two truths when we’re already on edge. I think that’s part of why we all need other people to encourage/reassure us at times 💛

I’m really glad you were able to connect with your SW, even over the phone. I’m proud of you for taking the chance on the call and so pleased for you that it was helpful. Hopefully your old SW is indeed able to introduce this temporary person. I’m sorry you have to have someone else for now. That’s never going to be easy, so I hope that when you meet them they are kind and helpful.

I’m ok. Couldn’t focus at all at work today and not sure why. Trying to decide whether to use leave to cover the time spent procrastinating or whether to stay back. I wish I knew how to make myself do what needs doing.

Oh that sounds really hard @Wintersweet procrastinating and not getting things done. I really struggle with it to but don’t have a lot of things that must get done. Depending how I slept I feel like I am most productive in the mornings. And when I was working I would get into work at least 30mins early, it was quiet and I could smash out heaps of work… it also meant a 20min drive instead of 40min plus.

do you have a time of day that you are more productive? I find lists help too. That’s actually something I did with my CM today. We talked about it last time but I didn’t manage to do it so she came in prepared today with like a weekly schedule with the day split up into hourly blocks. Simple I know. But I struggle. I sit knowing there is stuff I need to do, stuff I could be doing but it just never happens. So today we folded it in half so I could only see 3 days and I filled in just Monday for next week. I only need to do 3 things. I scheduled in groceries, sunshine, shower. And to tick them off when I’ve done them cause of the dopamine hit.

do you need silence to work? I know one of the guys at my old work he would always have headphones in and loud music. Now I don’t know if that helped him or whether he did it so he couldn’t hear the phone or the door!

Buy yeah, anything is hard to deal with and manage when your already on edge. It’s like the cup is full already.

we just finished watching a movie and D wanted to watch Alice in wonderland. So that’s on now and I found the Disney script and was quoting it along with the movie… D was like oh mum how many times have you actually watched this? 😂 I actually haven’t watched it that much.

I had a Temu order arrive yesterday and I got a book called ‘the killer isn’t Alice’ it’s a murder mystery book. The book is full of just names. Name after name, line after line. And there are 16 clues. We’ve just started clue one, which is, the killers name doesn’t end with an E. So you go through the book and cross out all the names that end with E. And by the time you have worked through all the clues you should be left with one name. The killers name. Not sure how far we’ll get through it but D has been helping and likes to tell me how many names I miss.

@Bow

Dodging the traffic and getting a head start on the day would’ve felt good/been motivating for sure! I don’t think I have a time of day that I’m most productive but I am generally more alert in the evenings. I also notice that if I’ve already finished what I was meant to get done, choosing to do extra is sometimes way easier than the stuff I did with the weight of “I have to do this.” I think partly it’s because then there’s the sense that I’ll actually get to choose whether stop when I finish it, rather than just having to move onto the next thing.

At the moment what I’ve been finding sometimes-helpful is choosing to accept that the thing is gonna feel awful and deciding to do it anyway. Sometimes it’s also helpful to actually put what I’m struggling with into very specific words. Sometimes music helps too. Sometimes I need silence. It can be a fun game of “am I overstimulated or understimulated right now?”

Groceries, sunshine, and a shower sound like excellent goals. How are you feeling about each of them? I like the idea of folding the page and only filling in Monday. Thinking about everything at once can be overwhelming. Just focusing on the next thing is a great strategy. I’m hoping the forums feel like a safe place for you to share both the wins and the struggles. Thank you for being so compassionate in your response to me sharing about finding it hard today. I think it actually made a difference as I was able to stay and do some stuff after reading your reply. I didn’t do it very well, but that was still a win over not doing it at all.

I know how much you like Alice so it made me happy to hear you were watching it with D. That book sounds like a lot of fun too! A fun activity for you and D to both work on. 💛