My Mosaic

@Snowie

Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you as you deal with the ongoing issues with your mum. 💛

Thanks @Wintersweet

Unfortunately it is just going to get worse. Take each day as it comes.

I hope your day is going ok

Hey @Wintersweet I may have to nap on the couch again today cause I had a really bad nights sleep had a couple of very vivid nightmares that had me up for ages trying to settle myself again. I don’t set an alarm for school days, I’m generally always up but today I slept in a bit and so things were rushed this morning cause I also had to be out the door at the same time my daughter leaves.

I seen my psychologist this morning, gosh it’s a struggle to be at a 9am appointment and be switched on. Today was a bit rough cause things around my eating disorder have been real challenging of late so that’s what we ended up talking about and I’m always very hesitant to talk about it cause people have been so dismissive in the past. Not everyone understands it and finding the right words to express stuff is hard.

feeling really raw and vulnerable now.

I forget if I’ve asked what kind of work you do? Or if you’re comfortable in talking about that? Oh your poor little Guinea pig! Is it feeling better today at all?

Hey @Snowie hon glad that ECT went ok yesterday.

im really sorry that you were having issues with your mum yesterday too. That would have been hard with having ECT too.

how’s today feeling?

im tired- rough night last night. Took me a while to settle and ground myself again. Gosh it’s hate it. Pdoc was talking about being able to increase those meds, which maybe I can bring it up at my next appointment. Lack of sleep really impacts on my level of functioning.

and that carried out this morning with my psychologist. Brain to mouth is very slow!! But eventually got some words out and we ended up talking about my ED and how it impacted me while away and now back at home. I’ve been heaps hesitant cause I was told there was no one there that had any experience in them. I just talked surface stuff… testing the waters maybe. But I think he understood some of it.

have to remember to drop the rope…

@Snowie

That’s a painful reality to have to live with. Your approach of taking each day as it comes is very wise. 💛

@Bow

I’m sorry you had such a rough night. I find that if I haven’t slept well it can make vulnerable conversations feel even more intense. I think talking about the ED at all today is an achievement. Was the psych understanding?

I work in a research group mostly on a computer but with some time in the lab (not medical). Thankfully the hours are quite flexible and my supervisor is supportive. I know that’s something that not many people have and that I wouldn’t be able to manage without. Sadly the guinea pig seems worse today so I expect I’ll be saying goodbye in the next couple of days.

Hi @Bow

Mum doesn't know about me having monthly ECT. I have never told her and doubt she'd remember anyway. Talking to her about my MH has never been something I'm comfortable with. When well I used to tell her the bare minimum. She has really never been the understanding type.

Took mum to the shops this morning. She only needed a few things so didn't take that long. Got to chemist and now at home with a hot drink, oodie and blanket on. Gosh it's cold!

Perhaps increasing some meds might be helpful hon. Anything to be able to settle more easier at night.

Lack of sleep can do that. It's amazing how much it can affect us, especially in the days ahead.

Sounds like your psych session went ok hon. If they can understand some of what is happening then that has to be a win. Hopefully you can continue with him and he be a big help for you. Hoping this too with your new pdoc.

Your job sounds really interesting @Wintersweet are you allowed to say what kind of research you do? It’s great that your supervisor is supportive and flexible hours is perfect!

im sorry your guinea pig is worse today :( its always hard having to say goodbye to our pets. Are your guinea pigs indoor pets? Roaming around?

I think my psych was understanding. At least he tried. I also think he is probably a bit of a gym buff. He absolutely understood how distressing self loathing is, which I really appreciated. Some people can think people who loathe themselves are just vain, but this is so far from that. I just really hope that he’s gonna understand that this ain’t gonna be an easy road. Talking things through and coming to a point where we are like, yes let’s try an and b. It’s not gonna be that easy, you’re fighting a battle with a massive mister that is very loud and relentless and it’s gonna dig its heels in.

That’s hard that you’ve never really been able to talk to your mum about your mh stuff @Snowie but I can totally understand. I don’t tell my mum much stuff, which is hard at times. I wish I could. But no.

I know your hubby knows stuff, but do you talk with him much? Do you have someone, maybe not a professional/ clinical that you can just unload with? I wish you had access to a support worker like I do. Even though it’s annoying sometimes with all the changes and their limits, I so very much appreciate the support I get.

I curled up on the couch with a hot drink and a blanket this arvo too. And then I had a nap! Lol I did do a load of washing before though- my fav pjs needing washing so I could take them with me tomorrow night for this sleep study.

im hoping my psych is going to be understanding around my ED. I read through my notes from my session before we went away and I had no idea what they were about. And today, he mentioned ‘drop the rope’ which I remembered from my notes and now I know what it was about! It was about a tug o war with the inner critic or the destroyer and that I can just drop the rope and stop. Thinking there might be a drawing in that.

anything on tomorrow my friend?

I talk with hubby about a bit but never my dark thoughts/feelings @Bow He knows things happened to me but not the extent. The only person I really unload to is my psych. I don't have any friends.

Even when young I never had a close relationship with my mum. Never talked to her about things. Even though I love her, she is very much her way or no way. It feels like these days it's just about keeping the peace.

Yep, still curled up on the couch. I think tea might be leftovers! Got a load of washing done too.

I hope the sleep study goes ok hon, or at least you get some answers out of it. Even better if you can wear your fav pjs!!

It would be good if this psych can become a regular with you. It's always easier talking to someone that you have a good relationship with.

I have my brothers 50th tomorrow night. The only reason I'm going is I have to take mum. I'm dreading it in every way. Even though I talk to him occasionally (always about mum) It has been quite awhile since I've seen him. Thankfully H is going so I'm hoping that makes it a bit easier.

Is the sleep study close to your home? When do you have to be there?

Glad you can at least talk a little bit with hubby @Snowie I’d be your friend!

i understand what you mean with your mum. Hugs

i cooked tuna mornay for dinner. Feel a bit sick now though. What leftovers did you have?

was just reading through the paper work for my sleep study, doesn’t say that I can take my own pillow… I’m gonna assume that it’s ok and I’d probably like to take my own blanket too. I’m gonna be in that bed a fair bit so I wanna be comfy!

oh I know how difficult things are between you and your brother, I’d totally get how much of an effort it would be to go and celebrate him!

the sleep clinic is on the other side of town, about 15-20mins. But I don’t need to be there until 7:45pm. Gotta shower and wash my hair beforehand! Urgh, so that will be one of the goals for tomorrow. Not suppose to have any caffeine tomorrow or Saturday, that will be a challenge!