My Mosaic

Hey @Wintersweet thank you for your thoughtful response.

i did chat with daughter, it wasn’t about anger, but about concern and I guess a little about educating her on risks and stuff. I think my initial concern/question was who asked her to do it or encouraged it. But I didn’t really get an answer to that, just trying to trust her with this. I actually did a google search and came across a national website and they had a chat feature. I connected with that last night and just talked. Told the person what happened and how I responded and I mostly did the right thing. So that was reassuring. Just has left me feeling unsettled and all and a bit more on edge and weary about D’s ipad use. It’s all my own trauma and insecurities and the issues that I had with my ex that was partly why we separated.

and I don’t know if it’s all linked… no I don’t think so, or maybe I don’t know, but I had a dream last night. Very very vivid, left me feeling even more unsettled today, but I was basically accessing VAD, I was a mess and it got to like seconds before it happened and I changed my mind and was screaming out no no don’t do it. But you know when dreams have so many details that you remember and stick out.

went and met with my friend today for a cuppa. That took a lot of effort and I was nearly going to cancel. I’d normally talk with my friend about stuff with my daughter cause she’s had 3 kids and was a child health nurse, but I didn’t today.

D excitedly reminded me that her fav K-pop group that’s coming to Australia early next year, the presale tickets go on sale today at 2pm for Mastercard holders. Managed to get in the virtual queue at 1:30 and there was 869 fans in front of me. Numbers quickly dropped at 2pm and by 2:06pm I had 2 tickets! That will be her Christmas present! But I ain’t telling her I got them. They sold out or I kept getting booted. Now I need to start listening to katseye music so I know some songs.

how’s your day going? How are you?

@Snowie how are you? How’s your day?

Hi @Bow

It is so hard with technology these days and what goes on, especially with new sites and new fads happening almost daily. Hopefully the talk you has helped.

Well done for going to see your friend hon, that can feel like such hard work.

Great job on getting the tickets. Will be an awesome Chrissy present especially if she thinks they sold out. Yes you will have to learn some new songs!!

I'm ok thanks. Yesterday didn't go well with mum but not much I can do about that. Been cleaning today to try and stay busy!

Oh gosh yes so many new fads and stuff @Snowie it really is hard to keep up.

im sorry yesterday didn’t go well with your mum, i understand it can be hard. Is your house sparkling?

I need to clean…. And tidy. Both our suitcases are still on mums been mostly full! Lol mostly need to put clothes away. I have a load of washing to fold and put away and Urgh, a load in the washing machine to put out!

It is hard to keep up @Bow All you can do is educate them and hope that they take it on board and listen to what you say.

House isn't sparkling but at least the bathrooms are clean. Also I can get into bed tonight with nice clean sheets!

Washing never seems to end does it. Always something to wash or fold or iron.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand why this has thrown me so much

@Bow

It makes sense to me that you’d be thrown. Both by what happened with D and by the dream. Does it feel like part of you saw the parallel with D, remembered something that wasn’t safe, and now needs some reassurance? Maybe reassurance that you’re in the present not the past, or reassurance that you’ve talked to D, or reassurance that the person you spoke to online thought you’d done a good job?

(Also, not for a second did I think you were angry at D, it was very clear that you were caring and concerned 💛)

I can understand why it would have felt like too much to talk to that friend about D today. I’m very proud of you for making the effort to go see them. How did it feel catching up? I imagine it could have been hard if you felt like talking about what was on your mind was too much, or nice to see them, or both.

And great work getting those tickets! I’m sure D will be thrilled!

I’ve gotten a bit behind on laundry. Thought I had a clean work shirt for today only to realise I didn’t and had to find one to re-wear that wasn’t too bad.

@Snowie

I hope you get to enjoy the clean bedsheets tonight, and the clean bathrooms over the next few days 💛

To be honest I don’t really know what it is @Wintersweet i think maybe part of it is that it feels unresolved for me. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted. And maybe that’s just on me and I need to process that and accept it. And the concern I guess. As much as I want to I can’t wrap her in cotton wool for the next 10 years. I’m really struggling with not having any supports around me. No psychologist, no support worker and my CM well…. So much going on that id previously be able to talk to at least one of them about.

the dream I had has really rattled me too. I know it was just a dream and it was so random…. Yet so vivid. I try not to spend too much time finding means and stuff in my dreams cause really, who knows. But this one.

catching up with my friend wasn’t too bad in the end I guess. I talked a bit about my brother and that. She is going down to tassie next weekend herself, so we will catch up again when she gets back.

washing is the pits eh. I hate it. I put it on and then forget about it and have to put it through a rinse cycle again. And I straight out refuse to use the washing line except for bed sheets. We have a couple of clothes horses that we either sit outside or in the garage. It just feels easier that way. And once it’s all dry it can sit in the wash basket for days until it gets folded and half the time it doesn’t make it to the closet before it’s back in the dirty clothes basket. I sometimes have to do the sniff test for D’s school shirts. I might need to buy her another shirt or do a load of washing midweek.

are you still feeling disconnected?

@Bow

I can imagine I’d also feel really unsettled for a while if I had to sit with that being unresolved. I can hear how much you want to protect her too. It does sound like you’ve let her know that you want to help her stay safe and that she can talk to you though. Did the person from the national website say anything particularly helpful?

I’m so sorry that you have so little support right now. That would be incredibly hard. Especially with everything going on.

I also try not to read too much into dreams. They can be really disturbing though, even more so when they’re really vivid.

I hope that catching up with your friend when she’s back is nice. How long is she away for?

I also hang washing inside because it so easily gets bleached by the sun if it’s outside. And I also forget about wet laundry and have to re-rinse it! Getting an extra shirt for D is a great idea if that’s an option!

And yeah, I saw my psych today but left feeling more disconnected and hopeless than when I went in. I don’t quite know why or what to do about it. Feeling a bit apathetic about it all which is probably protective.