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Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor06 Aug 2016, 3:27 pm AEST

Not sure what to do

I have been with my partner for a year and I am aware he has had alot of tragedies in his life before he dated me. I am aware his ex cheated on him then left him when his dad passed a few years ago. Along with that his friends left him as well. So not sure if this is reason why he is currently pushing me away. He isn't a very open person but has told me how his sibling has mental issues which therapy past 3 yrs havent helped the sibling. Plus I don't think the mum has been coping either leaving him to have all this reliance on him. I know he has anxiety and was seeing a therapist at one point but not sure if he still does.

Few weeks ago a friend passed away and he did come over the next day which was surprising but of course when I asked if he is ok he responded yes. After that he has shut me off. I text and miss call everyday to show I care and only after a few days later he will respond I am ok just needed some space. Which leaves me to think he doesnt need it anymore. He also later mentioned how he is now going through a life crisis with a big birthday milestone coming. I asked him multiple times if we could catch up to talk cause i miss him but also so i can figure out what I am suppose to do to support him through this. I dont know if it is a good thing even though am chasing him that he does text me every 3-5 days to say he is ok just needed space. Last week he even said he been wanting call me but needed space. Again not sure if that is a good sign.

Mid this week, after not hearing and seeing him for few weeks, i felt worried he is drifting away and I texted him to express that. He lashed out in his reply saying how he had put alot of stuff in the back burner due to work, family and other spare time for me. This was not something I was aware off cause he never told me. He also mentioned how now he is going through this life crisis and it appears am holding it against him for not fixing it when in fact I am anxious cause i care about him and want to support but he doesnt help me understand how support him and pushes me away. He said he would love have my life and that I should not feel anxious and count my blessings when he has it worst and appears to not break down as much as I do. I replied asking him if we could talk cause obviously I want to understand if he still wants be with me and if so compromise a way I can support him, ie give him space but he needs to text me he is ok every few days etc. He has not replied.

The message he sent I believe is part of frustration due to my insecurity plus the night before his sibling acted up big time. I don't think his message was a break up..my friends says that if he did it would be face to face. I am aware he needs his space but I so desperately want to talk to him to figure out if we can work this out together. Understand if he wants be as his support and if I am a positive influence in his life. And if he does want my support I will give it but he needs communicate better, ie tell me earlier and text me if not everyday, every few days he is ok.
I am not sure what to do since I want to really talk to him but he doesnt want talk to me yet and it is making me struggle not knowing when. I want him to know I care a great deal but not sure how to reach out. Also his birthday is coming soon so was gonna text if i dont hear.

If anyone has got any advice I appreciate it.

46 replies

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In response to: Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor21 Aug 2016, 12:14 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip - completely understandable. At least bf2 is aware of bf1 so there is that honesty. It definitely would be easier to not have met bf1 to assist in your current relationship with bf2. However the people we meet, good or bad, are what makes us who we are and develops our expectation for who we end up seeking to be with. When I broke up with my ex I felt the same way for a fair while. I thought I would never meet anyone that could compare to him and I thought I wasted my 4 years. But looking back, the relationship thought me that I wanted to be with someone who was honest and also I don't think I would ever do long distance again. Plus I travelled parts of Europe I would not have done otherwise.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

pipSenior Contributor21 Aug 2016, 7:44 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@Anony18. I had met 2nd bf at work, also knew 1st bf, but knew neither of them socially. Met 1st bf through another forum I was volunteering on, then met him at a function, we clicked immediately, It was only after working closer with 2nd bf, he asked me out.. I had told 2nd bf about 1st bf, he asked if we were still 'involved' I said no, 1st bf decided the distance was the problem. 2nd bf then asked me out, he is incredibly shy, so I was completely bowled over when he asked me to go out. 1st bf anything but. I wish I could feel as much for 2nd bf as I do for 1st, but you never feel the same for two different people. Sometimes I think 2nd bf is being cheated. They're both incredibly kind and caring. Finding similar qualities in two different men is unreal, makes it harder for me and 2nd bf. I sort of did initially compare them, but now I do appreciate 2nd bf for himself. He is HERE, 1st bf isn't. Here's hoping.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor22 Aug 2016, 11:50 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip It is hard to feel the same for 2nd bf than 1st given you have spent more time with 1st and there are those feelings lingering. However the good thing is that you like 2nd bf and are appreciating him for his personality. Choosing to be with him cause of who he is and not just cause you don't want to be alone....if that makes sense. Don't compare the two (if you still are!) - it will be a never-ending battle. No one person is the same. Everyone has their good traits and their flaws. What makes a relationship work is accepting the flaws that the other has and still loving them inspite of it.

Take my example for instance - ex-bf was more reachable by phone than my current bf. My ex didn't have mental issues compared to current bf. But current bf is in same place than ex. And inspite of the current bf flaws, when we are physically together then his attention is 100% there. His phone no where in sight unless he is expecting an urgent message - which he will tell me. Also - I chose to be here for him to support him inspite of mental issues (hence on this thread). Of course he needs to want me to be here for him. Something have yet to chat about properly cause have yet see him. He has gotten a bit better by telling me how he hasn't been doing well cause of family issues. He was meant to come over Saturday but couldn't. He initiated it which was surprising but he took his Mum to hospital and something had happen which sucked big time! Oh how I miss him and wish could hug him.

On a side note - how are you feeling today? I am sufferring the normal Monday blues.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

pipSenior Contributor22 Aug 2016, 8:35 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@Anony18. My feelings for bf 2 are getting stronger because I see him a lot. I am still in touch with bf1, but it is slowly becoming a type of brotherly affection more so than bf/gf. I told bf 2 today that bf1 is still in touch and he was a bit miffed to start. Once I explained that nothing would ever happen and my love for him is intensifying, he was good. I would never cheat or hurt bf2 I'm not that sort of person. Once I commit, that's it. I told bf2 at the weekend that I love him and I do.

In response to: Not sure what to do

HellonWheelsSenior Contributor25 Aug 2016, 10:49 am AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

Do you feel like you're carrying the relationship?

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor28 Aug 2016, 4:00 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip - Sorry have not responded past week. It has been a real hectic week at work. How are you feeling today? Much better I hope. Am so glad to hear that bf2 trusts you and you were honest with him. That is best way to be.

@HellonWheels - Hello. Unsure whether you were talking to me or pip.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

pipSenior Contributor28 Aug 2016, 4:34 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@Anony18. Slight change since I last posted regarding bf 2. May yet pull the pin. He stayed last night, we both went to bed feeling unwell, him because of injury sustained at work, me because of ongoing radium treatment making me feel tired and sluggish. I got up first this morning, discovered he'd left the door unlocked, it was shut, just not locked. When I asked him if he'd forgotten, he snapped that it didn't matter. I am living in a gated community, but I always feel safer when the door is locked. I didn't know what to say, I had this sort of crap with ex. I let it go, but he decided to go home as he wasn't feeling any better. I must admit, I was relieved when he went. My feelings are slightly mixed up at this point. My ex treated me like crap, I'm not taking it from a bf. I'll see how things go this week, but I sort of feel we may be better as work colleagues than in a relationship. He does make me laugh, and I do like him, but whether that's enough to build a relationship on? If he's taking me for granted already, the 'red light' seems to be 'flashing' a bit here.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor28 Aug 2016, 6:38 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip - Oh no...did you ask him why he had snapped? If you didn't ask - maybe just speak to him cause it may have been a bigger issue that is bothering him that he isn't telling you. We tend to take our frustrations out on the people we love.Does not make it right but it is human nature. Alternatively - bf2 may think it isn't a big deal cause you live in a gated place but end of day it is really what makes you feel safe. I know how you feel though cause I get paranoid as well. Guess the only way to know is just talking to him. You both are in early stages of relationships which is the part where you iron out all the various traits and conflicts. I would say definitely assess how this week goes and if you think he is taking you for granted then reassess whether it is best to remain work colleagues or not.

Do let me know how you go. I am here to chat

Anony

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

pipSenior Contributor28 Aug 2016, 7:24 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@Anony18. Another very close male friend suggested that perhaps bf2 might not have been aware of my need to have the door locked. Neither of us was well this morning, so perhaps we both just over-reacted. I will hear from him, he'll probably send me a bunch of flowers with a 'sorry' note. I do intend to try to explain my need for the door to be locked though. Our tastes in t.v and music differ incredibly, he likes blood and gore type programmes where I'm more the historical type. Musically he likes J. Barnes, Meatloaf. I prefer Celine Dion, John Farnham. I also like the 60's music, he wrinkles his nose. If our differences are too great, we may have to either reach a compromise or have another look. Neither of us is interested in marriage, I will never re-marry. After this, my 3rd marriage going pear-shaped, I don't think I am marriage material. My bf is definitely NOT marriage inclined.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Anony18Senior Contributor28 Aug 2016, 11:41 pm AEST

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip Definitely try explain and if he loves you he will understand and make the effort next time to close the door. Everyone is different and that is why conflicts occur and you talk and work through it. To be honest sometimes having different interests isn't a bad thing either. For me - I like that my bf and I have our difference in taste cause I am into learning about things and am intrigued. Of course I realise we have similarities which aren't the best, ie we both have sweet tooth & our fav chocolate is Dream so if I buy a block, expect 3/4 of it to be gone cause his tooth is sweeter than mine!

That is great that your bf is not marriage inclined. I think talking about wanting to get married or have kids is very important at the start of a relationship because if you have differing and strong opinions about that then it is pointless being in a relationship.

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