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Not sure what to do

Not sure what to do

I have been with my partner for a year and I am aware he has had alot of tragedies in his life before he dated me. I am aware his ex cheated on him then left him when his dad passed a few years ago. Along with that his friends left him as well. So not sure if this is reason why he is currently pushing me away. He isn't a very open person but has told me how his sibling has mental issues which therapy past 3 yrs havent helped the sibling. Plus I don't think the mum has been coping either leaving him to have all this reliance on him. I know he has anxiety and was seeing a therapist at one point but not sure if he still does.

Few weeks ago a friend passed away and he did come over the next day which was surprising but of course when I asked if he is ok he responded yes. After that he has shut me off. I text and miss call everyday to show I care and only after a few days later he will respond I am ok just needed some space. Which leaves me to think he doesnt need it anymore. He also later mentioned how he is now going through a life crisis with a big birthday milestone coming. I asked him multiple times if we could catch up to talk cause i miss him but also so i can figure out what I am suppose to do to support him through this. I dont know if it is a good thing even though am chasing him that he does text me every 3-5 days to say he is ok just needed space. Last week he even said he been wanting call me but needed space. Again not sure if that is a good sign.

Mid this week, after not hearing and seeing him for few weeks, i felt worried he is drifting away and I texted him to express that. He lashed out in his reply saying how he had put alot of stuff in the back burner due to work, family and other spare time for me. This was not something I was aware off cause he never told me. He also mentioned how now he is going through this life crisis and it appears am holding it against him for not fixing it when in fact I am anxious cause i care about him and want to support but he doesnt help me understand how support him and pushes me away. He said he would love have my life and that I should not feel anxious and count my blessings when he has it worst and appears to not break down as much as I do. I replied asking him if we could talk cause obviously I want to understand if he still wants be with me and if so compromise a way I can support him, ie give him space but he needs to text me he is ok every few days etc. He has not replied.

The message he sent I believe is part of frustration due to my insecurity plus the night before his sibling acted up big time. I don't think his message was a break up..my friends says that if he did it would be face to face. I am aware he needs his space but I so desperately want to talk to him to figure out if we can work this out together. Understand if he wants be as his support and if I am a positive influence in his life. And if he does want my support I will give it but he needs communicate better, ie tell me earlier and text me if not everyday, every few days he is ok.
I am not sure what to do since I want to really talk to him but he doesnt want talk to me yet and it is making me struggle not knowing when. I want him to know I care a great deal but not sure how to reach out. Also his birthday is coming soon so was gonna text if i dont hear.

If anyone has got any advice I appreciate it.

46 replies

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In response to: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @pip

Just seeing how you been? Hope all been relatively well ☺️

Anony

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @Anony18. Nice to hear from you again. Quite a bit has happened since I last spoke to you. I gave bf 2 the 'flick' last week or the week before. After the disagreement with the door and his flare-up, I started wondering if I had jumped from the fry-pan into the fire. I have not that long been on my own and I talked the whole thing over with bf 1 (believe it or not). There was no jealousy or spitefulness with him, he showed genuine concern. He said he felt I had jumped in to quick, too. Bf 2 abused me uphill and down dale when I basically said I didn't feel ready to commit and wanted time to get to know 'me'. Bf 2 told someone else he had pulled the pin because he felt I had too many hang-ups. This other person (a mutual friend of ours) agreed with me and told bf 2 he was being childish. I have since seem bf 2, we have sorted things out, he apologized and we now get on well. I am seeing him tonight, but only as a friend, we're going for dinner, but I said I'd only see him occasionally as I'm starting to enjoy being on my own. I am starting to get to know me and I quite enjoy having my freedom. I have sort of decided men and me are fine as friends, but relationship-wise - no. Bf 1 and I are really getting on well as friends, I doubt it'll ever be more because even though we sort of think alike, he's fairly independent and, as I said, I'm enjoying being 'me' for the first me in my life. We (bf 2 and I) have discovered our 'love' is more brother/sister affection. I'm actually rather proud of me for standing up for myself and accepting that I don't need anyone to make my life.

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

@pip - that is great to hear! It is really important to discover yourself first and have alone time than be with someone for sake of not wanting be alone....if that makes sense. I am really proud of you and what you have done. It is such a tough decision but is the right one for you by sounds of it. It is also great hear you are friends with both bf1 & bf2 😊

In response to: Re: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

Hi @Anony18. Thank you for saying that. The decision I made did take some thinking about, but because bf1 and I had been friends first, discussing it with him helped me. I still have strong feelings for both guys, but, as I said, more brother/sister for bf1, you can't have more than that relationship with a brother. Bf2 I had to work with and we got on better because there was no pressure. Being alone this last week or so has been good for me. I'm still recovering from radiation and still have some pain from that. I'm actually not lonely, I've done a lot of reading, listening to music, watching t.v and generally relaxing. Not having to entertain when I don't feel like it, is a feeling of freedom. Maybe one day I'll meet someone (if it's meant to be), if it isn't, I can accept that too.

In response to: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

Dearest All,

This is an awesome feedback conversation here:

everyone has their own piece to write all different.

I of course; being 48 years old, almost 49 have a different perspective.

I do agree with what @pip writes: get on with your life ! You are not available for him ! You are grieving the change in this feral situation and death has messed it all up as well.

There was a wonderful lady called @Chris floating around when I first joined that would have some some wonderful suggetions. Her husband and her have some interesting perspectives in their relationship, she goes to an Arafmi monthly group meeting like I would love to do but my living has stopped that at the moment. @Chris had a dealth with her family and she dealt with it in a really ZEN way when faced with some chanllenges.

In response to: Not sure what to do

Re: Not sure what to do

I must say @Anony18

I must erge you to reread @Faith-and-Hope

YOU are the most important person. It is VERY hard to accept this.

I took me many many years to accpet that I was the most important when my son struggled with massive medical issues .

This is going to sound really really weird but when my son got really ill, I needed to find boundries and I struggled with speaking to people. I bought this book: it was a suggestion of a friend and it really helped me not

BBBBBllllllleeeegggghhhhh everywhere.

The book is:

All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right
by Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)

I truly belive that you are

Strong

intelligent

Caring

but I feel that maybe this book may give you idea on learning space for yourself. I certainly need them all the time. I still read it. It wasnt about meeting a man for me, it was only not calling calling my loved ones and learning not to go crazy whenever seeing someone. Also, I realised that I was passionately talking about my work or just living and not focusing on what was really happening which was my son.

Hope to speak soon,

PP

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