I've had really bad day yesterday & today

I am tearing up @Former-Member by something you posted ... but its healthy tearing up ...

My family despite all the MI and the abandonments and poverty WAS also REALLY CLOSE

til the in laws came ... and NOW it is a train wreck .. but it didnt have to be ...

Thanks

I am ok and you are wise and ok

and its time for me to log off the forum and go play the piano

warm regards Apple

Hi @Former-Member 🌷

I had big problems in this area with my in-law family in the beginning, which is a long time ago now. My MIL is the matriarch of the family, and she had major, major attachment issues with her sons, which I was not aware of.

She started out very sweetly, for my husband's approval, but progressively became a frenemy ... then actively nasty behind his back ....

Won't go into the long, horrible stories .... hopefully none of them will pertain to you ... but I can offer you a couple of pieces of advice.

I expected, because I was open, interested, and accepting of others, that I would be accepted and treated in kind .... this is actually a gift. It's something that the other person has to offer you of their own free will, and some never do. Wait and see whether your MIL is willing, or even able, to do this. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve with her.

Secondly, it is very hard to fault you if you are polite and unassuming. I advise you to remain on that footing until you feel comfortable to relax that guard that you are feeling rising up within yourself. I perceive that is your intuition telling you that you are not comfortable with something about her, but you are unable to put your finger on it yet.

If you remain polite, she will be the one to break that dynamic if she is not projecting her true feelings.

If she does relax with you, it is easy enough to relax your politeness to something warmer and more companionable too.

If you do that - relax - then find her becoming controlling and difficult, it is easy to step back behind the politeness facade and retain your dignity, and a sense of personal control.

There are a lot of if's there, but your senses are telling you something ....

I would proceed with caution .... sweetly and politely 😏

😏 Dashing out quickly for a bit @Former-Member ... will read your longer post - and look for the correct? when I get back 🌷

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@oceangirl73 wrote:

I'm still quite anxious now @Former-Member . My sil is a very difficult person, insecure and controlling.Your absolutely spot on my brother can't stand up to her. When I am feeling up to it, I would like to be able to talk to you some more if you don't mind.

I'm not sure what to do for the best and who to turn atm. I have speciaist appointment on Tuesday and not sure what to say to her and if I should discuss going into hospital. Thank you for your friendship, support and guidance- I really appreciate it.

I hope you had a nice day !!

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I am always here for you @Former-Member. You are a good person and this is an honour for me.

Anytime you wish to talk I will be happy to listen and support you. So when you feel up to it just tag me and I will respond ASAP.

I have had personal experience with controlling, nasty in laws as you have - myself and husband tried to help her but her nastiness pushed us away. We no longer see her as she crossed the line (long story - and we deserve peace, respect and love in our life - not the other rubbish). After trying ones best to give and extend the hand of friendship and the recipient still bites it - is not acceptable. You seem to have come to that conclusion with only wanting to see SIL once a year. It is painful because of how it is separating you from your brother - but it is not worth the price of how it is effecting you emotionally. And you deserve better - brother needs to stand up to her and not let it effect his other close relationships. The onus is on him in my opinion as you have done all you can.

When I have been treated badly by family in the past having tried all to rectify the situation - I moved away from them. I then went out into the community and gradually made a life and friendships (and these friends are now my family). I have been a good friend to them and all I meet and this has been reciprocated by some. This can be the case for you too. Your a loving person - put yourself out there and don't give up (it takes time and determination). And you will build this type of love, giving and support for yourself. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

Sometimes our anxiety,,pain and depression holds us back from being consistent with doing the above - and so we isolate ourselves at home and stop reaching out or complete what we started. So the nurturing of these relationships are severed. @Former-Member Keep your resolve about getting out and about and enjoying life and when you feel down keep pushing yourself to be consistent (e.g. Volunteer work once a week etc).

Don't let your emotions, pain, hurts, ill health etc ever stop you. If I did what my emotions dictated I would still be in that dark place. Every morning when I go to the shop (charity work) or out with friends "The depression/anxiety tells me "no - you aren't up to it", "you don't feel like it", "you won't cope". I had to ignore those thoughts and negative feelings and push myself hard and go anyway; every time I venture out I go through this! Everytime I challenge it and go anyway. And I was always glad I did and now I have a life with friends and purpose. That is what we have to do when damaged mentally and emotionally to reinvent ourselves. It's hard yes, but well worth it.

My own Doctor is amazed of how far I have come - yesterday he told me to write a book. He saw what I went through and most don't come back from that type of mental breakdown. If I can do it so can you my friend and I will be there for you every each of the way. Your SIL is your brothers problem - it's time for you to be loved and respected the way you deserve - to have your share of happiness in your life. And you will - hold my hand.

Am here when you are ready to talk. Lots of love always xx

Thank you for your message @Former-Member. I really appreciate your friendship and support. Its difficult for me to put into words what as happen in my family and also the impact it as had on me. Atm I think it is best that I just go back to basics and get through the next few days, and then I will sit down and write you a longer letter/response to this. I think what hurts the most is that I have been a really good daughter, granddaughter,sister, auntie and friend to the people in my life and have always been very caring and considerate and respectful person. And that my SIL can't accept me at all.

My SIL doesn't like my parents. A bit of a background to my brother and her relationship. They started a relationship in school and they are both 16 years old. As you know my mum was really sick at that time too. But mum worked very hard in the family business alongside my Dad. And I was also very close to my Pop who was my dad's stepfather but only seem him as my Dad's Dad not a stepfather. Me and my Pop were very close and so were my parents to him but especially my mum. I think around the time my brother bought home is girlfriend I can't remember when actually when this was because I don't remember meeting her for the first time. But I think my eldest brother had a child at this stage. And me and my parents and grandfather travelled to the UK and Europe together for 8 weeks.

My sil used to come away with us often to our holiday house. I think my mum made a mistake by inviting her into the family when my brother was still only going to school and so was she at this time. The reason I say that because he was too young and my mum knew nothing about her or her family. I don't remember much back then but my mum told me she would sling off at my dad. I do remember on one occasion when I was still in primary school and she grabbed me by the hair and I still feel quite a lot of shame about this.

Fast forward a few years and she becomes pregnant on the pill apparently. At this stage both are still living at home with parents. I can't remember if my brother was working at this stage or not. But my parents help them with almost everything to make sure they are ok (house, job, car etc). They basically send them up for life. I think a lot of my pain comes from our she treated my parents, and talks about them. She even spread rumors about my mum and which was untrue and was of a medical nature and this information should have never been released to her (breech of confidentiality). A friend at the hospital talked to her about my mum without permission and she was just doing her training at that time and this never came out until years later. But the information was untrue anyway. When they moved into the house she would only have her parents over for dinner and never my parents- I don't even think they go invited over there the once even though they paid for everything. I think she may have a personality disorder.

My mum went through what I did @Former-Member but she a surgical operation (hysterectomy). My mum was not that old when she had me because my parnts married at 16 & 19 years old and now been married 55 years.The reason for my POF is not known. I know my depression was quite serve because I do remember when my mum was sick, and when my depression surfaced, I know my depression was actually worse then when my mum was very unwell. I think must be quite strong because I got myself through a degree even though I was so unwell at the end. Do you think I should go and see endocrinologist for my horomones?

I intend to move away from my family slowly too and I think I have been doing this for a while now. It seem to happen after my Pop passed away, we have slowly moved apart, and it mite have been because I was getting older. I will just try to keep building a life for myself, and let people come to me from now on and realize no matter whats I will be okay. I really hope I can turn this around for myself, and move beyone my depression, and I have glimpses were I think I can do this. I have been consistent with my fitness & health.

I hope what I have written makes sense to you. I am here for you too. I think you are wonderful and kind person and I wish more people were like you. Hope you have a great evening and will talk to u soon.

Hi again @Former-Member You sometimes thing you are the only one experiencing these family problems but its probably more common then we think. I used to be able to handle it before my depression surfaced and realized this is probably underlying cause for it and from this the decision came to put my health first.

I think we are very much alike and I can read people really well and I can read her quite well too (SIL). But I have to say my nieces love me a lot from their relationship. I will always graeful for them coming into my life because I love them with all my heart.

I'm not sure why my SIL is like this and why she thinks very little of me and my parents. But then again she talks about other people too. To her everyone is strange and she likes to control my brother and nieces. But then again she as not done much to help them either.

I'm sorry I triggered you last night @Appleblossom. I just wish my parents would have been more careful in who they let into the family instead letting anyone in because they knew nothing about her really or her family and upbringing. I had three old brothers and we never fought at all and my brother closet to me, we were very close.