The safe room- somewhere to just come and sit.... offload... feel supported

yes I shouldnt say this but sometimes revenge is sweet! today I again slipped backwards but took back control of the situation ! so instead of making me sad it made me feel back in control at least a little bit more in control of the particular situation ,long story short I turned off a guy from messaging me on snapchat yes a win !

Im addicted to tinder ,when I cant or dont want to talk to family I talk to people on tinder and snapchat even though it isnt doing my mental health any good ,Im addicted to this behaviour and its getting me down ,im weak when it comes to men and sexting bad habbit still not learning

it gets bad when youd rather spend time with strangers online than your own family in person,feeling alone with not being able to get those things off my mind

Reall not ok right now been struggling a lot and I've got no professional supports just personal supports. Well one of these people I thought was a support broke me today... I've supported her through a lot including being online 24/7 when she need someone to talk. I helped her through a lot but when I tried to talk to her about stuff going on for me like struggling with house work and emotionally breaking down over dropping a plate her response was

" I hate how people like you use mental health as an excuse to be lazy, depression don't stop you from cleaning just get up and get it done",

So after emotionally exhausting myself on her issues for weeks now she wants nothing to do with me

feeling unsure about sex and intamacy on the first date first phyical in person date,feeling unsure I mean sex is a big deal right ,Im afraid I may throw it away on the wrong person even if I do like them very much,how I was raised my father said not to have sex before marriage do I want to loose my vurginity to an almost stranger I met online especially first time on first date we meet or should I wait till I find a man I can spend the rest of my life with in marriage,do I really want to loose my virginity in a one night stand cause once I do that theres no going back or is it best for me to wait till I truely find the long term relationship and man to marry and wait till Im sure ,Im just starting to have doubts about having sex in a one night stand,the more I think about it losing my virginity in a random motel room seems very cheap and not at all romantic am I settling for less than I deserve just because I can do it that way with just anyone and throw it away for the sake of throwing it away it feels right but then it doesnt sound right to do I want a romantic night in a proper bedroom on honeymoon not in a random motel it somehow doesnt seem right as if Im being led on to throw away something important to me is that really love do I even no what love is should I forget about online dating and just stay single ,my boundaries are all over the place

So recently changed bank.
Gave centrelink new details.
Pay didn't go in Thursday so called them Friday
Quoted my account details they were correct told could be processing time and to wait.
This morning not in called again quoted details still correct but call cut out.
This afternoon called again and told oh sorry but your details were entered incorrectly and we have to get the funds back and reprocess them to your account and it may take up to 5 business days but we can't do anything else because it's not our fault

Also had a ct scan today because of a persistent migraine, dizzy and light headedness and numbness in my right arm.

Kinda worried that they will find something but also worried they will find nothing because then I won't know what's causing it.

it feels like forever since I last posted..

Life has just been so busy and so frantic I havent had time to sit down and check on all my friends here

I hope you are all doing Ok...

thank you @Lostandalone for checking in on here xx

dad was right I was happier when I was a child,just thinking and reflecting on how things change from when I was a kid to an adult ,alot has happend in that time both good and bad ,I know no clue as a child the responsibilities which would be on my shoulders years later,thank you dad for the sacrifes you made for us kids when we where growing up and unaware of the amount of hard times and work you did to keep us safe and fed and clothed and cared for but most of all loved missing you dad as I go on to the next set of changes in my life thank you for everything you did to raise us us the best you knew Im always daddys girl no matter what and no matter what mistakes I make ,you where always present then and in a different way your still present with us now

the last time we talked I told you the truth about my worries and why I wasnt seeing you even though I so badly wanted to see you,I said to you that I dont want to lose you and you said No I wouldnt loose you ,you wanted to see me that night as much as I wanted and still want to see you,you said we could just chill together and for me to just come,Im thinking about how you said I wouldnt lose you ,I geuss Im so scared to love you yet at the same time so scared to lose you now that we found eachother,I know youve been with other girls and that doesnt phase me cause you told me a bit about your previous relationships,I want to be with you even though Ive seen your flaws and youve seen mine too,I want to be with you,I dont want to lose you,my own fears get in the way ,but I cant let my fears get in the way,Yes I need to be carefull but not overun by fear so much that I dont act on my wants and needs,I want to be with you,even though weve had our disagreements even when where both talking honestly to eachother about both our issues,even when you drunk call me,I love talking to you on the phone,the sound of your voice,I hope we meet soon,Im sorry we havnt met sooner its seems everything but timing and our individual personal issues are stopping us from being together,its like other things are trying to stop us from being together,but I like you and you keep coming back to me and play things cool so I know you like me too,you tell me not to worry or stress and when Im upset you distract me from being upset and when your upset I love to listen to every word you need to say in that momment ,I love hearing you vent your frustrations and trust me with your secrets ,we pick each other up when we fall,we talk by distance ,I wish so much to be with you soon so that we can be together in person and see where things go,beieve me your smarter than you think you are you mean alot to me ,just need to be with you lets hope we meet soon.your a good guy despite everything youve been through your a good guy to me