Fear of intimacy

HI @Faith-and-Hope yes guilty as charged, MALE. In a more recent relationship my partner you to say when I wanted to be intimate "forget the entree lets get to the main course". Constructive conversation is great, I am just very wary though of putting people or whole genders into a box.

Thank you @riley for your reply. I appreciate it.

The thing is, (is it ok if i ask you something??)

how do I talk to my hubby and let him know, I am not very good at talking about my emotions without crying.

It's hard to control my emotions when I get anxious.

You would think after being married for 30 years that I would be okay with our marriage and our sex life - but things change, i think i have changed and I am scared.

Hi @utopia@Faith-and-Hope@riley@Sahara@Decadian

I never thought I would get a response from so many people, thank you guys; it means a lot to me to be able to talk to someone. I have been so scared and embarrassed and ashamed to bring this topic up; i am so thankful that i can share it here without being judged (i hope)

Gosh, i am so judging myself today. So much negative crap going on in my head. I am so stressed with everything going on in my life.

@utopia you're right sex is sex and intimacy is a lot of things. Being able to just sit and talk openly about things has never been easy for us.

I think having his mum live wityh us for 20 yrs made it difficult; then I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and BPD as well as memories of being abused.

It all takes a toll on our marriage, family life, myself and my hubby. And that's why part of me blames myself because of my illness has affected so many other things.

Good idea @Faith-and-Hope with the card.

You know, this is what gets me ....... last year when i was in hospital I wrote letters to all my 3 kids individual letters, expressing how much i love them, how happy i am to see what they have achieved so far. i then wrote a letter to my sister and expressed how much i love her (that was the hardest letter i ever had to write). i was sobbing so much in hospital because i have never ever expressed my love to my sister before.

Then i wrote a letter to hubby. TGhanking him for all his support over the last 5 yrs with my depression. and how much i love him.

Do you know what? - I never got a letter back from any of them!!!! I kept waiting for a reply, a text msg from the kids, hubby or sister, no nothing.

When i came home from hospital I asked my husband did he read my letter. His reply "yeah it was nice".

That was it. nothing else. He did buy me some plants in a pot and had it at the front door just for me to notice; but never mentioned it.

It hurt me so much to not receive anything from anyone. My sister sent me a text and said thanks. That was it. We still never got to talk about the letter.

So i try, i really do try but i never get anything back. and it hurts. it makes me so sad and unloved.

@Sahara

Yes, that is what i am feeling atm. That i am pleasing him, just hurry up and get over it so I can go to sleep. I know it sounds terrible doesn't it. Boy so much honesty here!!!

So much negativity goes on through my mind at that time and it doesn't help with my emotions/mood.

Thank you so much @Former-Member xxxooo