Fear of intimacy

Hi @Appleblossom@Decadian@Faith-and-Hope

I have a feeling that a lot of this relates to self body image, self confidence, self love - which i dont have any.

I have brought this topic up previously with my therapist but I cannot keep the conversation going because I shut down. I think i will ask my therapist to help me discuss this with him. I know i am embarrassed, ashamed, nervous etc etc but if I don't do something, i fear that we have nothing left.

I don't know anymore, i feel that my life is just one big mess at the moment. And at times i feel like packing a bag and running away. Not wanting to deal with all of this. It's like my head is full of stress and i can't think even of one thing to concentrate on. It's all mumbo jumbo, all tangled up like a spider web in my head.

Right now, i just need peace and quiet, space, time - god i so want to cry right now.

thinking of my dad too is not helping. but the trouble is i don't want to reconcile right now, this minute - i can't and i won't for the fear of being abused verbally and mentally and emotinally by my mum. i just can't go there at the moment.

then again, maybe it is easier for me to just run away, leave without a word.

no, i can't even do that i love my kids far too much to do that.

sorry i have gone off track a bit, my head is all messed up. i'm so screwed up. i so hate this life.

Try to calm yourself @BlueBay. It's in these moments that you need to apply the self-care strategies you have been developing, and one of those is to go for a walk, change your surroundings ....

Another way is to engage in a major distraction, find people to talk to who are not part of your normal world, and you can chat and make small-talk in passing, like you do with your customers ....

Your Dad may go into hospital for some tests, and your sister may be able to help you to communicate with him there when your mother is not around. I have heard other people on the forum say that that was how they actually got yo speak with their Dad again, around a controlling mother who was blocking the relationship. You don't know yet, so try not to run ahead of yourself and let all the fears out everywhere. If none of what you are fearing actually happens, that is a lot of energy you have spent fretting over something that was only a possibility.

Possibilities can be positive too ... try to create mind pictures of possible positive outcomes, and let them block out the fears for a whike. I hope that can bring you some relief ....

Big hugs

💜

@BlueBay@Faith-and-Hope@Appleblossom

Having sex when you don't want to is horrible - and some degrading - it is an interaction between people who have feelings for each other that are special and between them

My husbands morose and sullen moods and he was a stick-in-the-mud who could not change - I don't think he has in all thes years since - made it hard for me to take any notice of his "need for a bit of affection"

I needed so much more than "affection" and yes - it can be degrading and I refused - we did not live as man and wife for a long time before we separated

And there is no shame in that -

Right now you are so mixed up I just pray you get into hosptial asap - when you will have this space to unscrew yourself - I will be thinking of you even if I don't post

So - tell your consellor that you are really embarrased talking about these things - and that you want to talk about it - and stick to your feelings rather than anything not to that point

Life can be lonely and we can hate it and that is how it is - but it's the only life we have so it's the best thing we can do for ourselves - to unscrew ourselves - and we need help for that

Decadian

Hi @utopia @Decadian @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom

I have so much work to do on this topic. I can't even think of where to start. I think I need a really good open and honest chat with my therapist.

Maybe I will write him a letter and then give it to him, so then he can read and hopefully understand why i am so nervous, embarrassed and ashamed to talk to him.

Thank you all for your comments, I will take these all into account and try to work things out.

@utopia if only you knew how I struggle to even say 'i love you' to my husband. Does that mean there is no more love, that i don't love him. Actually he doesn't even say it to me. says a lot about our marriage doesn't it?

as for holding hands - well that very rarely happens. i am so screwed up aren't I?

ok, for today while i am home i will write a letter to my therapist. that's a start.

HI sadgirl, communication is the key I think. I was in a relationship with a girl who had a tragic upbringing,her dad murdered her mum when she was 2, she was abused for many years in foster care as a young child. Mid teens she lived on the streets and became a heroin addict and prostitute. When I met her she was in her mid twenties and had left that life behind. In 2 years I could count on 1 hand the times we had sex, yet it was a very intimate and loving relationship. She communicated honestly with me her hurt and fears and I understood and was patient. Most men would not pursue sex if they knew there partner was not emotionally into it.

---

@Sadgirl wrote:

.... Next thing he comes downstairs to bed and I knew what was coming. So then in my head I was so negative, thinking of all the shit and stupid things that he does and doesn't even ask me how i am or how my sessions are and then when he wants it he just gets it.

....

Intimacy is not just about sex; it is about communication, sharing, You can't just expect sex without being caring, talking and sharing. Well that's how I feel anyway.

Hi @BlueBay,

I think you have hit the nail on the head! Emotional intimacy is about sharing and communication. Sex is just about sex. It's great when you can combine emotional intimacy and sex together on the one occasion - this makes for the most fulfillment; especially for women.

I think men and women see sex a bit differently from each other. For women, having sex is a romantic thing that helps them feel close to their partner. Women love and appreciate closeness and caring and romance and emotional bonding. They love non-sexual touching, like hugging and hand-holding. This is because women have a lot of oestrogen.

For men, who are driven by testosterone, sex is more of a physical release. Yes, it does lead them to feel closer to their partner, too. But they don't always put a lot of importance on the hand-holding, hugging and verbal sharing, etc. So men can come across as very insensitive when they want sex without talking or romance. I think that to men, in general, having sex is romance.

It sounds like it really irks you when you husband does not bother to ask how your therapy sessions went, @BlueBay? You will have to tell him that this bothers you, as he may really have no idea that this matters so much to you!

He probably thinks that as long as you are prepared to have sex with him, then everything must be fine in your relationship. Men are quite simplistic in this way.

(Sorry if I sound sexist, as I am generalizing a bit in order to be quite clear. Not all men see sex as primarily a physical release, while not all women like to talk about their feelings, either. I realise this.)

I doubt whether your husband realises how insensitive he appears to you. Because, for him, his behavior is normal.

I wonder if you might feel more comfortable talking to a female therapist, Sadgirl?

I just wanted to say that if you constantly feel like you should be having sex with your husband, even though he does not show much interest in you as a complete person - like asking how your day went or how your therapy went, they that would turn you off sex, for sure.

Sex just becomes one more chore to get done before you can finally get to sleep. About as appealing as doing housework; and probably slightly less rewarding.

I agree .... I think a letter sounds like an excellent idea @BlueBay.

And there are many non-spoken ways to say "I love you" if you can't speak the words at the moment ....

Find a card that has a love-heart on the front, and it might be something really colourful, like the image I posted a couple of days ago .... this one .....

.... and just sign it with your name and some kisses (xxx) .....

As you get braver with this thought, you can add in a little poem ... either something you have found, or something you have written for him ....

Its a journey @BlueBay .... a baby-steps one .....

💗💕

Hi @riley

I am presuming you to be male .... (?) ..... and offering a male perspective here .... very much appreciated 😊